Allowing Space for Change

With its consistent 70's weather and scenic views even whilst sitting in traffic, San Diego could easily be deemed one of the easiest places to live in the U.S. Its been said that the "Honeymoon Phase" of a relationship can last two years; I am now 2 years and 3 months into my CA Life and perhaps I have closed out on the newlywed feelings with my beloved San Diego. I realize that my woes against SD are mostly personal, not because of SD itself, but mostly because of who I am and what I grieve while living here.

Anyone who knows my family is aware that we live on a hyper-alert for nostalgia. My brothers and I are quick to point out the songs, sounds, and smells that bring about these sentimental feelings of the past. We are often quoted for saying "I already have nostalgia and the trip isn't even over!" or "I still have nostalgia for last weekend..." We are a family that houses memories as identity; the fabric of who we are is wrapped up in the moments created in the past.

This is why from September to January, it is the most difficult time of year for me to live away from what I know. The childhood (and adulthood) memories of snow and hot chocolate and the giant Christmas tree at Macy's and that feeling of finding warmth by the fire after a day of sledding... I can't re-live these memories here. In fact, I don't even know how to celebrate Christmas when picking out a tree in 80 degrees and hanging Christmas lights in shorts. In a way, life here seems to falsify the season; it feels foreign to the extent that it has me longing for What Used to Be.

I recognize the stance that I often assume when thinking about What Was and dreaming of What Could Be. (Human nature - or just me?) I glorify the way things were and tend to think those were the best ways. I am learning to make space in my heart and my mind to recognize that it might have been the way I was raised, but it doesn't mean it's the only way. I am learning to make a New Normal here in San Diego. To notice the discomfort because it lacks feelings of nostalgia, it is void of memories that remind me of family and the fuzzy feelings of Christmas... but it doesn't mean it's wrong.

What if our new tradition is to go to the beach or watch the sunset or picnic or fly kites or watch the boat parade? Do I have space in my heart to allow California Christmas to be just as good? Is it possible that something so different could also, in time, begin to carry the same sense of nostalgia I often long for back in Chicago? I recognize that in order to live presently here, I have to grieve what is different, but also celebrate what is different.

It is truly a sense of contentment that I lack. Contentment is able to say that joy is not housed in a location or a place or a circumstance. Joy is knowing that God is with me on the journey. Do I believe He goes with me wherever I am? Can I look to Him in this season as the whole purpose? Am I willing to let go of what was to move towards what is? These are the questions I ask myself. Because when I look at Him - when I look at the Cross - I know that Home does not narrow down to a choice between Chicago or San Diego. Home is what we long for while we are here on earth, while we receive glimpses of it in our day to day. Home is also what I create with Benjamin, wherever we are. Can I be present to a new view of Home while living here in San Diego? 

So Far

As much as life is an adventure and each day there are glimpses of eternity when we have the awareness to be near to it; life also scares me in ways that I can’t fully comprehend and sometimes I feel like I just can’t keep up. I get frozen in the reality of how quickly life passes and I wonder if I am doing all I can to make the most of it.

I fear that time goes too fast – and in so many ways I still feel like that 22-year-old who just graduated college, or the 23-year-old setting off for a year in Spain, or the 24-year-old moving to the city with my very first teaching job, or the 27-year-old trekking off to the Camino, or the 29-year-old driving across the country to California, or the 30-year-old, newly engaged and planning a wedding (Okay, okay… that wasn’t that long ago!). The 20’s are gone, and I’m into the 30’s, but I now get why our parents say they still feel so young.

Benjamin and I have been married about 9 months now and life feels full. After much debate, we finally finished those lingering registry items – the stainless steel pans and our wine glasses with the pressure of Thanksgiving around the corner. We look back at our memories together, and it feels like we have known each other longer than 2 years if measured by the amount of travel we have done and the quality of relationships we have built – not to mention, we are one week out from being completely debt-free! It all seems like it has gone too fast. Life feels a lot less scary with Benjamin beside me, but when I look ahead at our years, it seems like a lifetime is hardly enough. 31 years of it have already flown by in a blink – what’s another 31?! What is the secret to slowing it down? We pull out our phones to capture the sunset or wine on the porch or bike rides on Adams Ave or cheeseboards in the park… but I wonder if this truly forges a sense of presence. It does, however, capture the story of Us and this is my favorite story to write so far.

Upon Return

Too often it feels like second nature to share every experience with the entire universe via social media. It’s a natural habit – and I believe it can be a good thing – to automatically enter the zone of “This is so good, everyone has to know!” and then to frame the shot accordingly. However, this mentality can also be a trap. It can tempt me to drift into my people-pleasing zone and the desire for affirmation from friends (and strangers) that I am living life well; the need for encouragement to push me to appreciate each moment.

So when we left for our 19 day vacation from San Diego to Chicago to Indiana to Paris to French Riviera to Florence to Rome… it was a much needed time Away – fully away. We put down our phones and entered into moments of beauty, culture, art, and the experience of the senses and smells and people around us. Sure, there was that part of me that just so badly wanted to share our bike ride + picnic at the Eiffel Tower or family vineyards as we drove through Tuscany or the 6-course Michelin star restaurant in the French Riviera or our accidental run-in with the best pistachio cream I have ever tasted as we sampled 32 flavors at the International Gelato Festival… all the wine bars and tiny cappuccinos and pastries and paninis and pizza in the piazzas; the moment when Ben decided (in bed) at 10:30pm that he needed Gusto Pizza or he wouldn’t be able to sleep that night – so we hopped out of bed to steal a moment in the street with the best pizza in Florence amidst the rainy Ponte Vecchio with musicians tucked in corners creating the most romantic of nights. The intimacy was built between Ben and me because we were the only ones together experiencing these moments. As much as you can explain or show pictures, only the two of us really know what it was like to embark upon each new city by train, toting our black and white luggage along cobblestone streets, and walking 20,000 steps a day. It is an experience we share with nobody else. And it made it that much more interesting to me and special and important to building our family identity in marriage. There was also a presence to each moment; fully breathing it in without that strange tug to curate the experience to make it more appealing to friends and family. Watching, waiting, looking around, breathing deep. There was rest.

I have found that life is more full lately when lived this way; when experienced more for gratification than affirmation. Time feels more saturated with all the good things: the dance of rest and play; the search for God in the simple; and the floating through of questions and thoughts and curiosity with how the world works and what my part in all of it actually is right here, right now.

A topic of conversation that continually rose to the surface as we shared apertivos in energy-filled plazas and people-watched under umbrellas overlooking the Riviera, was the aspects of Euro life that we wanted to bring back with us to San Diego. We talked about how the reality of working a 9-5 feels like it’s cramping our newly-developed Euro style a bit; but we circled back to the fact that it’s more a mindset that becomes a lifestyle. In Europe, there is no sense of hurry and rushing. There is a silent calm that pervades even the moments of tardiness. There is also an appreciation of the simple; a walk through the gardens for no apparent reason or a tiny coffee on the corner with the newspaper; each of these moments brings life to the day.

I want to put down my phone and observe life before I miss it. It’s all too good and too beautiful to be taken down by the screen. It seems to be a daily fight and I am still learning how to do this. I had a professor once tell me that each day he meditates on the same prayer: God, give me wisdom and give me gratitude. I am reminded to live each day in thankfulness and that wisdom in the decisions comes only from God.

A Wedding Moment

Because Benjamin and I just turned 6 months old together, I have been more nostalgic than normal for our wedding day. After a vivid wedding dream a few nights ago, I woke up to the stark realization that the only time I get to relive the day is in my dreams (or maybe in heaven…). It is a day that I will forever remember and never get back.

When I think about February 18, 2017 from start to finish there are so many moments that come to mind: waking up at 6am and announcing to my favorite coffeeshop “I’m getting married today!”; putting on my dress and crying with my mom; dancing with my girls outside my house before heading to the venue; walking towards Benjamin for the first time whilst ditching my umbrella in the rain; reciting our handwritten vows to one another as we sense raindrops fall from the sky, our loved ones gathered around with umbrellas to pray...

Of all these moments, there is a singular sweep of time that will forever rest on the pedestal of Best. Waiting for our reception announcement, Ben and I locked arm-in-arm beholding a glowing tent at the bottom of the hill, exuding the unique tint of warmth and light that comes only with the existence of loved ones. It was as if we were onlookers upon a tapestry created by the interweavings of our own existence, all the strands of our lives woven together in one instant; beautiful because it was whole. Witnessing the scene below beckoned a profound sense that the messiness of the world was pulled outside the tent, so that what remained was a few fleeting hours of pure indescribable joy. This tent that brought a stream of tears the night prior, now seemed as if there couldn’t be a more perfect vestibule to encapsulate the collision of all the Best in life: friends, family, drinks, tacos, pizza, music, dancing, long dresses, and ice-cream cookie sandwiches (of course). Making our way towards the tent, there was a notion of leaving the old life behind and entering into this new life together; a life of unknowns and questions; up’s and down’s; but in all things joy because we have each other. Entering the tent, I can’t imagine a more poignant representation of a “thin place;” the expectancy of our arrival held thick in the air, and the applause felt as if the gates to heaven just opened. Stumbling over each other during our first dance; we were unclear whether the cause of our own instability was the rain glistening on the dance floor or the massive wave of love sweeping over us as we attempted each step. It didn’t matter. As Walt Whitman writes “We were together, I forget the rest.”

On Writing

"Vocation at its deepest level is, 'This is something I can't not do, for reasons I'm unable to explain to anyone else and don't fully understand myself but that are nonetheless compelling.'"

- Parker Palmer, Let Your Life Speak

My earliest memory of stating what I wanted to be when I grew-up was when I was seven years old and participated in a school-wide Young Authors contest for my story "Winifred and the Twirly Skirt." On the back cover of the book, I had written an About the Author section, with details regarding where I lived, how much I loved horses, and that when I grew-up I would be an author and a teacher. I voluntarily stayed in from Recess, perfecting my words and illustrations, whilst devouring my latest library checkout. I came home and filled the lines of journal after journal, hoping to capture and document memories to tell the stories of my life.

Writing is the thing I can't not do - if someone were to take away my pen and paper or tell me I could no longer write, I can't imagine going on living. It's who I am at the "very center of Rebecca-ness" (as my graduate professor Dan Haase would say...) and who I have always wanted to be. I have found this humble corner of the internet in this blog, as an outlet for my reflections & perceptions to carry-on with this thing I can't not do.

Lately I have a question brewing inside of me - what if there's more than this?

I know I have words inside of me waiting to take form. But every time I think about possibly writing a book, there are a million logical reasons to shut it down. What do I have to say that nobody else has already said? What unique thought do I have that hasn't already been added to this world? Why would anyone pick-up my book when they could read Henri Nouwen or Richard Rohr or Brene Brown or Shauna Niequist? What if I pour my life and time into something that goes nowhere? Do I have an audience or a platform? What would I even write about? 

Fear is both overwhelming and paralyzing; it invades my heart and overcomes my thoughts so that I settle for less and don't let myself entertain asking for more. It is easier to put it to the side and say I just can't do it. I look at the process it would take to get there and I choose to never start. If I pour so much into this thing that isn't even a thing, and it goes nowhere, that is failure. If I never try, I never have the chance to fail. 

But maybe it's more about the integrity of my life and being true to who I know myself to be? Listening to those still voices drowning in doubt and saying to them: "I see you. I hear you. I am going to make you the loudest voice I hear." Perhaps it is less about the product of a book, and more about courageously taking steps forward to make it happen? 

"Vocation comes from listening. I must listen to my life and try to understand what it is truly about -- quite apart from what I would like it to be about... I must listen to my life telling me who I am" (Parker Palmer).

If I truly listen to my life - it says: "You are a writer and the thing you were made to do is write." 

But how?

Poem for A Sunday

Noisy wind in silence passes;
crashing waves tell a story of peace.
Push and pull of sun and clouds;
the feeling of blissful immortality in moments held still.
Sandy toes in-between kisses;
the tiny blonde hairs of his ears
you only see up-close.
Lashes to the sky, elongating light;
restful hearts in present happiness.
Time in fullness encapsulated by
you and me and the sea.
Here is where I want to be.

//Cardiff Beach, July 30, 2017

Written from the shores of the Pacific, an ode to the nostalgia of family vacays the first week of August. Though it can't be re-lived or re-created, I remember that time is just as beautiful as it moves forward into new seasons. The feeling of "togetherness" that comes with sunsets and the lake lives on through my family with Benjamin, mine forever.

Here, Right Now.

While it’s true that I readily embrace change, there often comes a moment amidst the transition where I have a sense of reflection and even a bit of fear. Since driving across the country in summer 2015 with my belongings in my trunk, life has been a series of changes that I never could’ve foreseen. I have gone from single, 20’s, studio-life to married, 30’s, house-life in a matter of one year. Amidst that, I had a job transition to a different industry, finished my thesis, and started adjunct teaching as a professor in our degree completion programs.

As my birthday approaches and a new year lies on the horizon, I think about the flurry of the past two years. Life has happened in 6-month chunks and I am finally approaching a resting spot. Moving, Dating, Engagement, Thesis + Adjunct Teaching… 6 months at a time; the most glorious moments, the most daunting, and ones that took the most courage. I have grown-up in places where I deeply needed challenge; I have self-reflected in places that I had formerly been afraid of; I have replaced old roles with new ones and found myself building new habits to form a more profound faith and identity.

Now that I am in a season of closure and developing a sense of rest, I automatically jump to the next thought – what is next? I have researched PhD programs, considered babies, and viewed Open Houses. But in all those things, I have unrest, as if not the right timing and just not right now. I don’t experience a lack of confidence or uneasiness, I mostly experience God telling me patience, wait, be. But why?! What am I waiting for? Why can’t I jump into the adventure and wear the victory of defeating the next challenge?

To these questions, I don’t know the answers. I am not sure what the waiting is for and sometimes it frustrates me because I am a do-er. I like to be busy and I like to be a high-achiever. Perhaps it is a call to be present, or a call to trust that which is unseen right now. I know that I can trust God and that obedience to what He calls is the most fulfilling and lifegiving place to be. So that’s where I am – waiting and trusting and knowing that in His timing everything is right.

A Poem

God's Grandeur Gerard Manley Hopkins, 1918.
THE WORLD is charged with the grandeur of God.
It will flame out, like shining from shook foil;
It gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil
Crushed. Why do men then now not reck his rod?
Generations have trod, have trod, have trod;	5
And all is seared with trade; bleared, smeared with toil;
And wears man’s smudge and shares man’s smell: the soil
Is bare now, nor can foot feel, being shod.
And for all this, nature is never spent;
There lives the dearest freshness deep down things;	10
And though the last lights off the black West went
Oh, morning, at the brown brink eastward, springs—
Because the Holy Ghost over the bent
World broods with warm breast and with ah! bright wings.

"Being in a hurry. Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me. I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broke and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing... Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away."

// Ann Voskamp
One Thousand Gifts

Memorable Moments

You know those friends who consistently gather people together, hosting celebrations for holidays that don’t exist or to celebrate what others might view as a minimal accomplishment in another’s life? My brother is one of those people. Over the past decade of living in both Chicago and San Diego together, it appears his place remains the hub for both planned and unplanned socializing in any form. And it makes me so grateful to be a part of such moments, because there is a spirit of mystery in the air, as if anything could happen.

In summer 2012, after a standard Daniel’s House hang, the remains of our crew collectively decided that a walk to the lake was in store for our evening. Walking back, the iconic Abraham Lincoln statue hovered under the glow of the Lincoln Park lamps, as if beckoning us to come and sit. In my obviously small-minded ways, I was poised ready to take photos in front of the statue, at the exact moment that Daniel took off in an all-out sprint towards ol’ Abe, ready to take a climb atop his shoulders. One-by-one we followed up the 12-foot statue, involving feet on shoulders and hands on marble, ready to pose for pictures that would soon become hints of memories of this golden free-spirited night.

The thing that rises to the forefront of my mind is a line hinging in the air by Daniel as we climbed: “Life is about memorable scenes. We have to make this a memorable scene!”  We easily could’ve stepped in front of Lincoln with Asian-tourist peace signs and smiles in front of the lawn… but instead we climbed on top of each other to reach his lap, sit at his feet, and bronze his nose. (For the record, I’m pretty sure Daniel stole this line from Donald Miller, but it seems it could also be his life motto.)

I frequently think about this night as a reminder to take the ordinary and turn it into something memorable. Somewhere along the way, it seems that the effort poured into these moments is less frequent; it is substituted for excuses like “it’s too much work” or “I just don’t have the energy.” It takes a spirit of adventure to create these moments… to push through the exhaustion or lack of excitement… and make it happen.

We create these moments by turning dinner into an event – a candlelit porch or a sunset seaside picnic; by choosing to bike to work down a dirt trail instead of taking the regular drive; through choosing a new activity for a Sunday afternoon instead of taking a nap. Memory is triggered by emotion; meaning that the moments that stay within us are the ones attached to high emotion. 

When life is lived with passion; memorable scenes are created.

Here are a few of my latest faves:

Biking to church

New table and chairs on our porch

Strolling Liberty Station at sunset

Homemade pizza

Cookies for breakfast

He Will Always Be My Favorite

From Easter 2017.

MX: in Photos

Four months into marriage, a question I receive quite regularly is "How is married life?" While there are a spectrum of ways in which I could respond to this question, the thing I like most about marriage is how natural it feels to live with my best friend. All the years prior to meeting Ben and creating homes with roommates prepped me for life right here with him. In some ways, it feels that we have always lived together - but in other ways the reminder of our short-lived year-and-a-half of knowing each other reveals itself in new discoveries of Ben daily.

Life feels rooted and calm; it feels just right where it is now in our home together on Adams Ave. On Sunday, after sampling all the spreads and juices at the Farmer's Market, we purchased cheese & fruit on our bikes and headed to the park with blankets, a bottle of rosé, and cards. We lounged there as the sun faded behind the clouds, playing one-on-one Monopoly Deal, and Facetiming with Michael and Jill. The sweet summer air, the light & airy feeling of the weekend, and the togetherness connection with Ben... Everything felt perfect.

Sometimes, when times are good, a creeping fear occurs telling me to prepare for the worst because the good can't last; as if the good is merely a tease for what lies ahead. While I know life only gets better - and hardship + heartbreak is essentially how we grow to becoming fully human - I also have this desire to freeze time within the goodness of the full life and never let it go. In these moments, life feels fleeting and fast; as if the good slips through my fingers so that I am left feeling that maybe I used it all up.

When my heart settles in what lies ahead, excitement rises within me - but if I'm honest, there is also an unsettling unknowing that brings fear. The fear I wrestle with is rooted in the experiences of my past - anxiety regarding abandonment and my personal pressure to strive to be better - the false notion that happy families aren't forever because something bad looms around the corner and that good turns to worst in the blink of an eye if you're not careful. I am thankful for safe places over the years to explore these fears within counseling and mentorship, and through Ben providing a place for me to be honest about the hidden places of my heart. I am often reminded of the picture God gives us of a godly woman "clothed with dignity and strength and able to laugh at the days to come" (Proverbs 31:25). When these fears present themselves, there is always the choice to choose Truth. God's promises for me are not for comfort and an easy life; His promise is that He is always WITH me - to the end of the age. Can I trust that no matter what I walk through - beautiful or difficult - that Him with me is enough?

It is so apparent how He gives me that picture through Ben - soaking up the precious golden moments of our days together, knowing that whatever we walk through will never be too much. Ben stands beside me as my rock and my anchor, reminding me of the constancy of the God who never leaves or walks away - who never gives up on me or decides I'm too much for Him. The God who is patient, unconditionally loving, and empathetic in times of need. The God who gives these times for Ben and I to have together, building our foundation in Him and simply enjoying all the best parts of life as newlyweds...  memories of life and love and reminders to look ahead with laughter for all that is to come because no matter what, God's goodness endures. He permeates every aspect of our lives so that our souls can be at rest in Faith. He is with us. There is no fear in this kind of love; the love of God that saturates marriage; this love that I am learning to know and accept most intimately. This love for which I am the most grateful.

Summer, So Far

In the wake Instagram Stories and immediate posts to social media, I have realized that I am taking less photos now than I used to. Good thing Instagram saves all my posts or I would have no record of my memories! Here are a few from life lately as summer begins!

The Challenge to Grow

Lately, I am asking myself where am I being challenged to grow?

Sure - in my new roles as adjunct faculty teaching at PLNU, being a wife to Benjamin, trying to be a good friend from afar to those I love back in Chicago, establishing new rhythms in married life... I am required to step up to these new positions I find myself in.

But deep within, am I seeking growth in Christ? Am I living out the Gospel that He calls me to today? Who are the people I am influencing and how am I discipling God's truth?

San Diego is an amazing place to live, but it exists on the fringe of comfort and complacency. I never want to find myself in these categories - I want to live adventure and risk and freedom. I am prone to settle into routine - a battle I need to fight.

My inspiration is sourced from exploring the world around me, literature, and observations of life. This weekend, we head to Cabo and I dream of settling by the ocean with a pen and paper; some time to check-in with my dedication to seeking inspiration.

Am I living the story I want to write?!

The Meaning of Rest

My brother thinks I am secretly a part-time social event planner as I work my day job – and maybe that carries more truth to it than I tend to give credit. When my mind wanders, it thinks about the next steps – starting with how to make a weekend beach day more epic, or my next reason to throw a party, or that unexplored happy hour or hole-in-the-wall dinner date destination… it eventually moves onto my career goals and family goals, my dream home and dream vacation, my hopes with how to love Ben better and what I can do today to make that happen. The future doesn’t bring hesitancy or discouragement, it brings excitement and a deeply lodged feeling of anticipation for all that is to come.

My only fear is that the future takes me away from the present.

Sharing life with friends here in San Diego is one of the greatest gifts, and lately I’ve noticed the conversation starters have turned to new topics. Besides the oldies but goodies – the best cocktail in town or hikes around SD or latest fashion trend, we talk about something I have never considered until recently… real estate. It’s no secret that buying a home here in SD is unchartered territory amongst my friends – the housing market seems to be an untapped entity reserved only for the elite… yet it simultaneously seems like the most natural next step in most of our lives. It’s as though we cannot suppress the human inclination to long for whatever is Next… except for when that next thing happens to be of celebrity-status and completely unattainable in this season of life.

While it’s true that contentment is not defined by the circumstances in which we find ourselves, it is also true that we derive the feeling of contentment through assessing our life moving towards the goals and desires we have planned. I have learned that contentment comes when you wake up each morning acknowledging that whether or not you have that thing you want most, that relationship or job or house or pair of jeans, God is enough and that what He gives is enough. Contentment comes from gratitude. It comes from saying thank you, God, for what You have given me, whether it is what I think I want or not. It is looking to the Have’s instead of the Have-Nots. It is finding in yourself a joy that is insuppressible because it comes from God.

I am wired to want the Next in order to make me content. “If only I had...” is the dangerous mantra that tempts me daily. Today I can say that I am truly content with everything I have, everything I am, and everything I someday want, because I do not lack in anything in Christ. I am reminded of His gifts, especially the greatest gift of His Love. Because in His love, I experience how to love others, know the love of Ben, and pour out to my neighbors. It is His Love that brings life to the full – it is not anything else.

I know it’s probably the Newlywed Bliss talking, but I want to freeze-frame these days and nights to capture all the goodness so that I can revisit it over and over again. Being Ben’s wife is a calling I am fulfilling; the role of his partner and teammate to cheer him on, adventure alongside him, and do the normal things like make dinner, watch TV, brush our teeth, and say goodnight. How lucky I am to be the recipient of his love, and to get to love him in return.

I am reading through Hebrews, and I recently came across this verse in 4:1-2: Therefore, since a promise remains of entering His rest, let us fear lest any of you seem to have come short of it. For indeed the gospel was preached to us as well as to them; but the word which they heard did not profit them, not being mixed with faith in those who heard it.

The word “rest” in this context stood out to me – the idea throughout Hebrews is that rest is entered through faith. Unbelief will make us fall short of the rest God has for us because it leaves us on a constant search towards answers, identity, and unfulfilled promises. Receiving His Rest means that our souls can be at peace because everything written about Christ and life in Him, is true. We don’t have to wonder about purpose, seek fulfillment, fear death, or fulfill human longings with temporal highs.

While rest and contentment are different, they carry similarities. I am at rest because of who I am in Christ and what He did for me on the Cross. I am content because I get to live out His gifts and notice His imprint on my life. His love is tangible and real – it is a love I hope everyone to know because the intimacy, unconditionality, and reward of it is unlike anything else. This love I know to even greater depths because of Ben, and that’s why I sense a contentment and a rest in this season that is unlike others. Though I have long known the love of Christ, I now experience a new joy, beauty, and peace in it because of God’s love in Ben.

I am thankful that I can find all my delight in Him because it makes everything in the day-to-day feel like a gift to be discovered instead of a burden to bear. God gave me Ben to know His love, and fulfillment of His promise puts my soul at true rest.

Just Some Dreams

One thing I love about the Degree Completion demographic in the field of Higher Education is watching adult students take the next best step leading them to achieving their dreams. While they usually hesitate with questions in the interview process regarding their academic journey or their heroes in life; they do not skip a beat when it comes to verbalizing their dreams. They know their dreams; that’s why they’re here.

This past weekend in Palm Springs, in between gin & tonics and nachos by the pool, a group of best friends sat around in the sun as this topic rose to the surface. What are your dreams? While I can go around and guess many of my friends’ desires and hopes, there exist dreams stored up I never could’ve articulated. And if there’s one thing that inspires me most – it’s listening to where one’s heart beats to a longing God placed uniquely within their spirit, and how He designed them to do something specific.

Listening to the imprint of God in others’ lives is what I was created to do; and it’s my dream to do more of this in a setting that allows for it someday. I hope to funnel my commitment to journey and transformation into a book; I hope to build a home founded on a healthy marriage so that our children would know us as a place of safety and forgiveness and unconditional love because of Jesus; I hope to teach college students and pour into their lives, and to pursue a Phd that speaks to my gifts and strengths. I hope to make an impact on at least a few lives, because I know that it’s through each person that change is brought to our world. I hope to create more memories alongside my favorite people that lead to that feeling of nostalgia, propelling even more adventures in the sunset and sunrise moments; in the roadtrips and hikes and days spent flying kites in the sun. I hope to be a home of hospitality, where others trod in and out to find refuge and rest and retreat; where people are invited and heard and welcomed even if they’re a stranger. Maybe someday I’ll be a wise old woman in our neighborhood alongside my wise old husband (who will no doubt be either a mapmaker or tour guide in his retirement), sipping tea and tending to the garden and reading at the local library and making trips across the world to care for the unnoticed and unheard. At the end of my life, I hope that it can be said that I loved my husband and my family and my community the very best that I could – and that this love came from God.  These are the dreams I seek and long after. These are the dreams that get my heart stirring and keep me up at night. These are the dreams that unravel so many other dreams and lead me to being present where I am. Because I know that today is not lived in a vacuum – it adds up to tomorrow and the next day and ever so slowly becomes the forever. These are the dreams that live at the surface of all I do – and I want to know that I am moving towards these things as I am faithful to where God has me right now.

The Courage to Start Again

The wedding plans have now subsided and the rhythm of life with Benjamin feels a rooted sense of constancy and stability that comes with each day alongside your forever person. Because I know life only seems to get busier, I realize there’s no perfect time to uncover what remains of that silly master’s thesis of mine (that tiny last piece of my diploma that got tossed to the wayside when I accepted a teaching job in San Diego, packed up my car and said goodbye to Chicago, fell in love with B, transitioned to a new job, got engaged, then planned a wedding… Oops.)

Despite the few years between when I finished coursework at Wheaton and now, I feel that there’s no better time than this to re-open myself to the world of pilgrimage. It has, in fact, been a pilgrimage to write this lingering paper. Ben – in his supportive and encouraging ways – has selflessly volunteered to play basketball on Tuesday nights so that I can have time and space to write and finish. When I tried to convince him that I can in fact focus when he’s there, he reminded me of the many times I have articulated the same thing, which resulted in snuggling him and taking a nap. To his credit, he’s right.

After taking a break from the voices interacting in my Review of Literature, it feels like a homecoming in a way to return to it. I would like to use this paper as a catalyst to a book brewing in the recesses of my mind someday… and it feels exciting to re-enter this world that I have deserted for so long.

With fresh eyes, I am taking the next best step to finish… Gathering up resources from PLNU library (very thankful to have access to it!), and starting on an outline for the application of my thesis to a context (pilgrimage route). What has paralyzed me in the past is questioning what I have to offer this world… What unique words and experiences do I truly bring to a topic of so much history? I wrestle with these questions and realize it’s not the point. Taking the next best step is – and it is always worth it.

Last Night With The Italians

Upon hearing our most beloved Buona Forchetta was opening a Liberty Station location, we were immediately calendaring the opening and planning to go on Wednesday. That is, until Suzy texted me with the “name on the list” soft opening invite on Monday. Since I was already working an Info event at Liberty Station (plus drooling over google images of pizza), it worked out perfectly to go.

We arrived after my event – walking in during that perfect window of time where the fringe friends clear out, leaving the extended Italian family who seem like they flew directly from the shores of Sicily with gelato and bottles of vino. We stepped into a scene that could be based in Rome – pizzas slung out of the oven within minutes; slices of mozzarella and ciabatta perched up on corners of the room, served with greetings of kisses on the cheeks and exchanged “gratzies” reverberating through hugs within circles of slicked hair and long suit coats; risotto dished up on plates with fresh meatballs adorning the top, children creeping in between adults and given priority for being second cousins of the owner. I attempted to vibe my 25% Italian heritage and reciting of “mangia mangia!” in valiant effort to chameleon with the locals, but when Ben was met with a scowl after ordering an Old Fashioned at the bar; it quickly gave us away. This is Chianti country, after all.

We helped ourselves to seconds and thirds and fourths of chocolate coated ricotta cream puffs intermixed with lingering pepperoni pizza slices and three-cheese pasta dishes. We left our glimpse of Italy with bellies full and hearts content and even more determination to get there someday soon.  

Don't Want to Forget

I have lived in a world this past week of fleeting moments that are filled to the brim with such gratitude that I want to bottle them up and store them forever in that “Don’t Ever Forget” part of my brain. Even without storing them, I know these will always remain from the best day of my entire life.

Moments such as your best girlfriends flying across the country, arriving to your doorstep with hugs and peonies and dark chocolate and letters of love; creating sacred space at our rehearsal dinner for edifying words, flowing wine, and a room full of your 50 most favorite people; waking up with such joy and a brand-new-never-thought-of-before thought: “it’s my wedding day today;” prayer and coffee and a deep sense of feeling like you’re watching a movie and living a future dream of your life that never felt like it could come true; cameras pointed at me because I’m not the bridesmaid, but the bride; knees shaking with complete excitement to meet my groom in a garden; eyes welling up with tears as I hugged my mom and realized that it’s my wedding day; seeing Ben for the first time, radiant love too hard to contain; waiting in the back of the garden, watching Ben over the wall and hearing the harmonies of “Be Thou My Vision” fall amidst the most intimate garden; rainfall and umbrellas over exchanged vows; glimpses at my best girls standing beside me at the altar just as they do in life; celebrating having a husband, being a wife, and the rush of emotion that comes with those titles; running off to the beach to steal a few hues of sunset and some kisses with my now husband; a white wedding skirt covered in mud throughout the entirety of the evening and not caring at all; announcement as husband and wife to a candlelit tent of friends not strangers; dinner and toasts and ice-cream cookies and cake cutting and dancing and hugs and suddenly it’s our last song and we’re running away from our wedding… everything feeling way too short and that it’s an impossible task to truly savor it all.

A wedding – the most joyful celebration of us coming together as one. I can honestly say I have never been happier in my entire life than in these moments. And I can’t imagine it being any different – God had the day planned out from beginning to end, rain and all. The lighting, the friends, the joy, the smiles. It’s all His. My prayer is that He would be Our Vision… in the good and the difficult…. that it would be Him others see, and not us. I pray that we would minister to others better together than apart, and that He would use us to not only love one another well, but love others well with His love. That God would do His work through us – that’s what it’s all about. That’s what a wedding is about – and now we have the rest of our lives to do that very thing together. I can’t imagine life without Benjamin by my side and now we return to real life together. I don’t care if I’m still honeymooning over here – I will honeymoon as long as I possibly can… you only get one.

Also: a link to 

The Forecast Says Rain

So what do you do when you've planned an outdoor wedding in a garden on a day that is predicted to have 100% rain....??

You give up your vision for His, you leave your perfection for His perfect love, you surrender your plan for His better plan.

At the end of the day, Ben and I are making an unbreakable covenant between us and God - a promise of forever spent honoring and loving each other because that's what Christ has done for us.

Rain or shine, nothing will deter that. Nothing will take away from vowing to one another and committing our lives to one another. And once again, God shows me that I need to hold my plans loosely and look to Him. His are always better anyways.

The Women in My Life

One of the best parts of wedding planning has been the people that have risen up to assist me, take off the stress, ask me questions, talk with me late at night, and love me through and through.

If nothing else, I have learned that I have the best friends in the whole world.

They are the true, loyal, lifelong type of friends – the ones that are honest with me and themselves, live authentically, and will drop anything to be there for me. These are the people I aspire to live like – and I can truly say that my friends make me better. They love me and give to me more graciously and steadfastly than I deserve.

I am so honored that God has given me such incredible women to step alongside… they are everything to me! In just 10 days they will be here with me, and everything will feel right and real. It’s the one time in life this will ever happen – 7 of my best friends in one room?! – and I would be lying if I said I am already sad for it to be over. Just to know that these girls are flying across the country to stand by my side… I feel honored and humbled. Engagement is truly an incredible process and I am savoring every single day left.

Our Wedding is 11 Days Away

And all I can say is AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

On Engagement

Between trips to Home Depot and trips to the Beach, this wedding will be accomplished [slowly… surely.] When I get nervous that I’m not “doing enough” for the wedding, I realize that it’s probably a result of giving everyone else the tasks to do for me ;) Ben is graciously building us our Pinterest-inspired wedding arbor, Suzy had the vision and the artistic detailing behind our invites, and my mom is going to be folding programs and stuffing favors when she arrives to town. That leaves me with… the meetings. Last week was makeup, this week is hair followed by wedding coordinator, and next week is catering and finalizing numbers and last-minute everythings.

The best part is: when I think about the past 6 months, I don’t think about wedding planning. I think about the preparation that goes into merging two lives into one… mentally, emotionally, spiritually. We have worked through our personal preferences, learning to lay down one for the other; we have discussed communication styles and managing conflict; practiced listening and greater depths of selflessness. In so many ways, it is hard to remember what life was like Before Benjamin – he has fulfilled a piece of my dreams and desires in a way I didn’t know existed.

Stepping into being Ben’s wife is what I was created to do… I want to serve him and build a life with him. It is interesting how desires change over time –10 years ago I would’ve labeled marriage as settling – sacrificing dreams of travel and life abroad and buying whatever I want - basically every bit of selfishness that resides within me. But that’s exactly it. While I still have those selfish tendencies, it is my heart to be refined not only as a wife, but as a follower of Christ. And the adventure becomes so much richer that way – so much more beautiful when it is more about him and Him than it is about me. It is more full than I ever thought it could be because happiness comes with the people you spend life with, not with experiential highs or things to store in my closet or knowledge gained. 

Engagement has been an irreplaceable learning experience and when I impatiently want to wish it away, I realize that it is exactly in this anticipation that growth happens. I have fallen more in love with Ben than I ever knew possible – and this journey is just the beginning. That’s the most exciting part.

Room to Evolve

When I think back to our early days of dating, there is a motive that rises within me to make today a mirror of a year ago. I want our lives now to look like it was then – the world of sunsets and walks and nightly happy hours – of surprises and discoveries in one another and those “me too!” moments that previously felt so rare. But that’s the thing: what we have now is so much deeper, richer, and more intimate than what we ever had before. From dating to engagement to marriage… life can’t possibly look the same as it once was - and the thing is: it’s so much better that way. I have the tendency to want to hold on and recreate; to manage and maintain stability. But life is so much more fun when you allow it to grow and transform, to evolve and invite change. To say Yes to Benjamin knowing that who he is in a year will be an evolved version of who he is now. That’s what makes life an adventure; when it brings challenge and we are faced with the opportunity to rise to the occasion. That’s where transformation happens; and if there’s one thing I want said of my walk with Christ it is that I am committed to transforming.

I hope that in a year, I will look back to this season of engagement knowing how different life looks in marriage. There is no doubt I will have nostalgia over these days – coming home from work to gifts on the stoop, excitement brewing over events with my best friends, phone calls and emails with travel arrangements to SD… cooking dinner with Benjamin and planning for our excursions in Hawaii… these days are ones to cherish. And the thought always loom that it doesn’t get better than this… But it does. And it will. Because that’s who God is; He knows us better than we know ourselves and He is a good Father who gives gifts to delight His children.

Remembrances of the Camino

Lately, I have recalled the journey of the ancient Camino route – the one through which much of my life the past 3 ½ years has been formed. The life I walk today is only because of the path I walked in Spain. With February 18^th approaching closer and closer, I have not made time to give my ever-pending thesis the energy and thought I desire to devote. It feels like a trapped door through which I am planning my escape; a hidden secret brewing inside and waiting to rise to the surface free to take shape. Once one walks the Camino, it becomes so inherently a part of his or her perspective on life, it seems the themes consistently work and rework life itself - through decisions and circumstances and reactions and relationships.

As I prepare to be a wife, I can’t help but look back on that 26-year-old me with a 10lb backpack, the world in front of my eyes and the beauty absolutely astounding and crushing all at once. Life felt simple, it felt light, and it felt free. Possibilities loomed, opportunities presented, and risks were taken. When I think about the wedding, I carry this with me: this idea that it is not about the details or the “things”; it is not about the fluff and stuff; it is about the journey of life with Benjamin. It is about being with him, committing my life to him, and making a promise for forever.

As Ben and I reviewed the wedding liturgy over Facetime with my brother Michael, my dear youngest brother who will officiate our covenant, he reminded us that the tradition of marriage and the ceremony through which it happens is one that all may recognize and experience as sacred. A lifelong promise of commitment to another is one of the truest reflections of the Gospel; Jesus’s reconciliation and grace and commitment to pursue and love and never leave us. As we signed our lives to one another at the courthouse last Saturday, it almost felt too easy to be married. You mean anyone can do this?! No personality tests or compatibility questions or…. therapy involved?! Just a piece of paper with two names that becomes a legal document stating you’re married. If it’s that easy – why don’t we just leave the ceremonial pieces of marriage behind, skip the liturgy, and be married because the piece of paper says we are married?! Because the process and words and vows spoken at a wedding are a deeply engrained piece of cultures across the world; the recognition and participation of your most beloved people surrounding you – the I Do’s and the Yes’s and the pronouncement of being One – there is something in that process that feels right. And that – that moment – is the one I look towards. I have never made a lifetime promise before – and I will admit the idea of a Forever Yes used to be scary & vulnerable feeling – but somehow when I met Benjamin it didn’t feel so big or terrible sounding anymore. In fact - quite the opposite: the desire of my heart fulfilled and the deepest sense of joy awaiting a future with Ben for all that lies ahead.

Moving towards marriage, the Camino remains a part of me, ever nudging me to step-by-step walk the route to Santiago. It isn’t in the arrival that matters – it’s in the day-by-day time and choices and people - the new journey begins when we get there. The wedding itself is exciting because it is the mark of our beginning, the day we commemorate our promises alongside family and friends, and the party that we get to throw together with all our best people. That is what I look towards right now… and that is really the only thing that matters.

Our Non-Wedding Planning

Most days I have to pinch myself as a reminder that I am getting married in three weeks. Just three short weeks away... and yet we spend most nights making Hello Fresh dinners and watching Sherlock (which we successfully have gotten through all seasons...). 

I hope I am not missing more to be done? 

Or perhaps this is all there really is to do...?

Hmmm.

Getting Married in a Garden

As a young girl, I often imagined unlocking a secret garden, must like the one I read about in the novel and the necklace with the tiny golden key I received for my 7th birthday. In our backyard, I would step through our little garden, picking flowers and pretending it was a secret space that only I knew about - a space where anything beyond the ordinary could happen. 

Our family grew-up with bike rides and field trips and photos through the Chicago Botanic Garden. In high school, I worked beside a florist who adorned the aisles and tables of weddings in the garden and I would occasionally get lost in my own wedding dreams upon the tree-lined promenade. Upon moving out to San Diego and discovering a botanic garden here - a mile from the ocean and central to my favorite little North County town of Encinitas - I couldn't help but "put out some feelers" when Ben and I started talking marriage. 

Perhaps for these reasons combined - and the fact that Ben and I fell in love over sunsets, camping, and the beach - our first visit to the garden revealed it was the spot for us. The intimate space of the Walled Garden feels like it's reserved only for soft-spoken vows and the commitment of one's life to another. Surrounded by nature and 150 of our closest people, declaring our lives merging into one, only seems right in the environment of the garden. And to throw a party under the stars feels like it will be the most magical of evenings. Elegant, classy, romantic - these are the words I think of when I think about our wedding.

Just a few weekends away and we will finally be married! When I wonder if I should be "doing more" for the wedding these days, I remember that simplicity is key. Of course I want our wedding to be beautiful, but I also want it to be stripped down of the typical wedding frills so that only the raw + genuine love of Ben and I will be seen to the people we love. And that is what I am looking forward to most: the beginning of our journey ushered in alongside our favorite people. To celebrate what God has brought together and to mark the start of a daily commitment to this man He has given me... that's what it's all about. February 18th: we are coming for you!

It Doesn't Have to be No

There seems to be a theme of 2017 trending to “quit everything” and “say no” and “walk away” – I think it is the mantra of the minimalist or a backlash from the generation of Yes. I’m reading Shauna Niequist’s new book Present Over Perfect – and despite the wordy chapters that spin in melodramatic circles, the only word I’m truly hearing is No. Is it because we are a generation of extremes – all the yes’s to all the no’s – or is it because we have dug ourselves in so far, made ourselves so busy, that to choose life for our souls leaves no other option but to say No…?

There are few things in life that have just happened upon me. It is usually either a string of small decisions that point me in a particular direction or the ways I fill increments of time throughout my day that add up to being my life. Where our culture misses the mark right now is in Responsibility. I want to own my actions, admit my mistakes, ask forgiveness for my shortcomings, and steer the direction of my life. I know it is God who ultimately provides and blesses me – and through all these things I want my heart to overflow with thankfulness and for my life to point others to Him.

I don’t think 2017 needs to be one of these ends of the spectrum – there is a midpoint between the Yes and the No. 

Looking at the life of Jesus, there is a place that requires sacrifice and selflessness – doing things I don’t necessarily want to do – stretching myself and investing in those places in life that “don’t bring me joy.” There is also a place for boundaries, for those soul-giving moments I just know my heart needs that occur through the No. Examining my day-to-day is probably the best place to start. They say it takes 30 days to build a habit, so why not start now?! I have begun reading my Kindle instead of reaching for my phone, praying in the AM before I turn to a screen, and putting pen to paper at night instead of scrolling the feeds. If I merely discipline myself to stop filling my margins of rest with mindless brain decay, I remember how to be present, meditative, and reflective on this journey. I want to grow into a more intentional human and continue to seek after the core of who I truly desire to be.

This year, like all years, is about establishing those rhythms of life that bring me more in sync with the Creator. Pausing by the ocean, watching a sunset, taking a bike ride through the park. It is initially what drew me to Ben – a partner who admires the same beauty that I do and seeks these times of day to worship the One who reveals Himself around us. I believe we draw this out of one another in the best of ways – and it is what makes our team so strong. In just shy of 40 days from the wedding, this weekend we made brunch, went for a bike ride, hung in community, ate pizza, ran some errands, and laid on the couch in our robes until 11am. We wrote thank-you’s and watched episodes of Sherlock and grilled burgers for dinner. At the end of the weekend, I realized I did absolutely nothing for the wedding. But in that space, we actually did everything for the wedding: Life with Benjamin. Genuine and gritty and silly life. The wedding is simply the day we get to proclaim our vows and demonstrate our new life together –in a way we have already begun and this is where we start. Seeking rhythms together, lifting eachother up, and chasing our dreams as a unit instead of individuals. I know it isn’t easy – we have well discovered that (thank you pre-marital counseling ;)) – but I’ll choose the messy and scary parts of committing my life to another before living a day without my Benjamin. 

Invites are Out!

And more beautiful than I ever thought possible - thanks to Suzy!!!!!

Velvet ribbon tied, invites re-sized, return labels and stamps on, wax seal to stay classy ;)

February 18th... we're comin for you!

10 Things for 2017

Words of the Year: Generosity & Gratitude

1. Take more time to pause. Use margins of time to read or write, instead of text or Instagram. I always feel more fulfilled when I do!

2. Read at least a page a day. Do you ever feel like the day gets away from you and you haven’t read anything meaningful or inspiring? I hate that feeling. I always have time for a page – I just have to be mindful about doing it.

3. Focus on Ben. (As if this hasn’t been my focus the past year ;)) Haha. It is so easy to build selfish habits – if I make a point of always thinking of him first, it will ultimately be refining to me and uplifting to him.

4. Keep pursuing adventures. I consider adventure to be a daily choice… making things fun, celebrating the little, and finding reasons to be joyful. Although most of my day is lived between cubicle walls, this is a choice I can make even in the mundane. I’ve already found ways to do this before work, in the office, and after… and it makes such a difference in my perspective on life!

5. Serve. I know I have not been the best at this in 2016… but I want to find ways to do this in 2017, no matter what it looks like. There is a food depository down the street I could get involved in, weekend mission trips to Mexico, and even daily ways I can serve my colleagues. I desire to be more intentional around serving this year.

6. Rebrand. I’ve had this blog what – 8 years?! I would like to rebrand it a bit… Though I hesitate to “market” my cozy little corner of the internet. It is my dream to write a book someday… maybe it starts here?

7. Thesis. Thesis. Thesis. Starting March 7^th, I plan to go to the library once a week and knock this thing out. It’s going to take some mad focus over here (especially as a newlywed!) – but I know it needs to be finished and I have to block out the time to do that. My hope is to have it done by June!

8. Next career steps. I’m not sure where my job at PLNU will take me – I love this university and believe in the mission and vision. I hope that there are opportunities to move up, teach college courses, and I want to be faithful in my position now to open doors in the future.

9. Europe. Since Ben and I met, we have dreamt of strolling the European streets, stopping for croissants, sipping on tiny coffees, and taking postcard-like pictures. This is a dream we would love to accomplish this year - maybe fall?!

10. Enjoy the current season. Too often there is pressure to move on to the Next… after dating comes engagement, then a wedding, then… babies?! I want to enjoy where I’m at now – this uniquely beautiful stage of life. 30 years old, getting married in 45 days, and an entire lifetime with my best friend ahead of me. It is so sweet, I am so thankful, and God is greater than I ever knew He was... He always seems to be teaching me something and the journey continues!