In the Doubt

Upon first arriving to San Diego, new sights and sounds birthed a sense of adventure, which brought the refreshment of Change I so deeply desired. I entered into a community that embraced me with open arms, included me in their Family text group, welcomed me on weekend trips, and even threw me a much undeserved birthday party two nights in a row. But then life began to pick up speed; I entered a disastrous classroom just days before the first day of school and returned home late each night to a place that still felt so foreign and required more energy than I had to give in order to make it Home. The challenge of Transition set in and conquered every bit of initial excitement that led me to this place to begin with. Living into the difficulty bred doubt, and the doubt absolutely overtook me. I lived in fear that what I gave up in Chicago was too great; that I could never re-live my life there, and it was suddenly taken from me forever. Unpacking notes and pictures of my past life spiraled me into an unescapable breakdown where thoughts about picking up and ditching everything became serious considerations.

The sky outside my window. Unreal, right?!

Balboa I love you.

As the intensity of so much change all at once continued to weigh down on my soul, I felt disconnected from the underlying root of these emotions. It was initially so clear that this was the next step... Doesn't that mean I would step into a state of complete bliss? Because it was Challenging, I automatically assumed it was wrong. Challenge = Wrong, right?! If it's truly best, it feels easy and natural and perfect and glorious. Nope.

Thankful for how weddings bring together Chicago reunions.
A quick weekend in WI and back again. 

I have lived here almost two months and I'm now taking a breath above the current. The current did not, in fact, swallow me under! (We are actually more resilient than we give ourselves credit for...). Two months later, I love my studio home and I - surprisingly - love my job! I love it so much that the thought occurred to me to even stay another year... a thought I never could have perceived as a possibility just eight weeks ago.

Sibsteins in Tahoe

Tahoe Family Din - Ramen.

The truth is, transition takes time. And patience. I often don't want to give it the time it requires to settle in. I am so quick to judge whether something is Good or Horrible, instead of taking steps back, gaining eternal perspective, and moving forward one day at a time. This process has shown me to trust my own knowledge of myself and ability to make decisions... and to trust that God makes all things beautiful in His time.

Jessica's birthday beach camping!

Thankful for friends at sunset.

I am slowly leaning into the nuances of San Diego that make it feel so different, but in the best of ways. When I drive to work in the morning, I drive through canyons with mountains in the distance. At night, I take slow breaths watching the sun set below the horizon. Walks in Balboa Park are freeing for my soul, and quiet mornings with coffee and my journal in my studio home have suddenly become routine. There is a sense of Family here among friends (also my family is part of my friends. I love my bro!) and I recently joined a church plant that challenges me to declare God is who He says He is. Because the weather is the same each and every day, there is a timelessness that exists here, instead of the daily pressure to Make the Most of Any Good Weather Before the Impending Gloom of Winter in Chicago. Life here is laid back and lifestyle-driven, instead of scheduled and career-driven. Beach camping on a school night is something I could get used to, Taco Tuesdays are my absolute favorite, and beach volleyball and surfing on the weekends are just so much fun. Life here is simply easier than life in a city of snow, and that I would not change. People are irreplaceable - of course - but people are always there, waiting with open arms for the best reunions ever in Chicago.

Suz brings me to the best of beaches.
Cardiff-by-the-Sea

Just because it started out difficult does not mean it will always be difficult. I often enlarge my feelings in the moment and project them onto the Rest of My Life. But in reality, life has a particular ebb and flow to it, in and out of seasons, good and bad. This is where life is lived! It is the test of who we are: character-building, refining, and the story of our journey. My human nature so desperately cries for Comfort, but I know deep down it needs Challenge. A move across the country will, in time, no doubt bring both.

Finally Home.

On the Go

The past few weeks have been filled to the brim with traveling on weekends & non-stop teaching during the week. The strangest feeling throughout all the travels is returning to San Diego as Home. It still feels so foreign to me, as I slowly settle into my Studio by the Sea. No matter where I go, I carry with me a deep sense - and perhaps longing - for Home. I wonder if I will ever feel that sense of Belonging to a place like I did in Chicago. I am learning that the only way to cultivate a Home in this sense is through Time. It takes digging in and growing roots and commitment. It takes the phase of downright Figuring it All Out, and celebrations in the moments I finally don't have to plug in my address to GoogleMaps every time I return to my apt. I want to rush through this process to arrive to the state of natural routine, but this process cannot be rushed. It begs me to live into it, here and now. To not fight the challenge, but to bring a sense of awareness to the difficulty and pause for a moment to be thankful.

And I am so thankful. For an Outdoor School where I'm outside 15 times a day, for a studio that brings peace and rest, for friends here that I carry with me from Chicago, for adventures that have already been taken and the ones that are still in waiting. The only way to Joy is through gratitude - a discipline I am constantly learning to practice.