80 Days Away

In a time that feels saturated & scattered in focus, I return to the parts of life that bring meaning. It is easy to remain under the guise that there will be a time that’s “less busy” or more relaxing and peaceful and calm. Life carries on; life is always that: life. One of Ash’s favorite quotes has become one of my favorite quotes:- “Life! Can you blame me for causing a scene?!” It’s true. Life is a series of scenes to be had – celebrations, mourning, job transitions, moves to and from; love, loss, sorrow, glee… vacations, returns; planting, growing, rooting, nesting, leaving again… It’s true that these scenes cause chaos on the outside and we can’t control life from life; what matters is the “scene” I create in my innermost self – in my heart.

Right now, my heart feels full because I have found the love of my life, I get to plan my forever with him, and I know that we are on the brink of a new beginning together as one. But my heart also feels the holiday heaviness, nostalgia of what used to be with loved ones near and far, the creeping disappointment of people who we can’t possibly see while home, and the ever-changing Christmas traditions now that I am factoring another human into the mix. It is a time of delight, it is a time of sadness – those two dance together over and over and over and over again.

In this season of the celebration of our Savior born as a baby in a manger, I am reminded that it is in the anticipation that we find true joy. I imagine what it must have been like for a shepherd in a field or a blind man waiting to be healed– the time of waiting ushered in the utter joy felt on that very first Christmas night. It is in anticipation that we celebrate Christmas – it is the season surrounding the actual day that we thank our Savior Jesus Christ for making himself a human and coming to live amongst us.

And so, it is in the anticipation of our covenant on February 18^th that Ben and I live in fullness during this season. It is the road that leads to Santiago that becomes the tale to be told, it is not Santiago itself. While I want to wish these 80 days away and disqualify them as I gaze ahead to the long-awaited wedding day, I know that it is exactly in this season that the growth and change takes place. It is in the travel plans of friends and guest list numbers that we cultivate gratitude for the extraordinary people in our lives; it is in the ceremony liturgy and writing of our vows that we find the cry of our hearts expressed; it is in our Wednesday morning coffee dates and time spent in our workbook that we start to understand how each other are formed and how to love one another better; and day by day it is in prayers for our wedding that I remember just how truly thankful I am for my soon-to-be husband, Benjamin.

This season is the one that carries the transition into marriage, the time spent saying goodbye as I return to my studio each night and early morning meet-ups just to steal a kiss before work will soon be a memory of the past. I believe that life with Ben once we are husband and wife will be that much better because of this time of anticipation of what’s to come. Feb 18^th will be magical in so many ways, the start of a new era, but it is in this time right now that I bid goodbye to my life before so that I can fully embrace my life to come. In so many ways, it really is the sweetest time.

Fighting for Gratitude

This morning I was reminded of how easy it is to put on a pout, talk about stress, and carry an attitude of ungratefulness. Work emails pile on, wedding checklists are never finished (or started…), family holiday plans seem tiring, the political state of the nation brings grief… but in the midst of the burden of simply being human exists a desire to cultivate a spirit of gratitude. Sure, wedding details loom on the horizon and there’s a day-to-day sense of not doing quite enough; but at the same time, how thankful I am that I get to plan a wedding! How incredible it is that God opened a door for me to a new job! The perspective I choose right now is most important.

I am reminded of the Scripture urging us to “enter His courts with Thanksgiving” and to reflect on what this means right now, in this season. To come before God in worship means a heart of gratitude; eyes that see the abundance of what I’ve been given instead of the holes for what is lacking. This time last year, my heart was heavy with deep desire for a partner. Not just any man, but a man who would see me for who I am and choose me – a man of integrity and character and consistency – a man pursuing God in honesty and transparency. This year, I go into the holiday season knowing I have found the man of my hopes and prayers and dreams in Benjamin – he is so much more than I deserve and is truly my best teammate and my best friend. He is my greatest gift; my deepest question answered; and my life feels so complete with him by my side.

Though my job brings stress; it is not the same kind of stress I endured in the classroom. God rescued me from a place where my passions were stifled and I was scrambling to get by each day. He brought me to Point Loma, where I get to help returning college students achieve their degree (as I sit in a quiet office with a cup of coffee;)). How thankful I am for this new season and new rhythm of life!

The wedding has a date, venue, musicians, and – most importantly - my man. The rest of the details are just the frill and fun of it – the details are not the event. It is a sacred time with my Benjamin, making vows that will seal our life covenant in front of our closest family and friends… This is reason for celebration-- and the anticipation and planning that goes into this event is so so sweet.

On top of all of this, God brought me to San Diego where I daily find beauty, a slower pace of life, and a day-to-day that feels more free than ever before. How could I not be thankful to live here? San Diego is basically a slice of heaven – and I will believe that until the day of true comparison! ;)

Next week, my mom comes to town, Ben and I look forward to knocking out some more homemaking tasks, and I get a few days off work to rest (hopefully). 

This time is sweet, and being with Ben makes me smile no matter what we’re doing. I cannot wait to do our first holiday season together (we might even put a tree up this weekend!) and to continue to dream and plan for our forever. God is gracious and good; not because any of us deserve it, but because it’s who He is. Remembering that is what this time of year is all about… At the end of the day, it’s all about Him!

Back in Chicago

O’hare has been the location for my Returning Home feelings my whole life – it has seen college homesickness, international traveling nerves, friend reunion tears… it is the place I feel the energy of the city or the coming comfort of the suburbs; bustling holiday travels, Camino preparation, moving out-of-state, bringing home my boyfriend. Though there is a familiarity in the scents and the smells and the people; there is also a curiosity of which feelings will arise stepping off that plane. Chicago will always be home… but even home sometimes feels foreign in certain ways.

This trip, everything felt right about being back in Chicago (minus not having Ben with me L The worst part of all!) A dose of fall, a gathering of friends, slumber parties and baking; returning to our old spots, discovering new ones, and just plain ol’ hanging out. I’ve needed time with these girls… I’ve needed the space to be with the people who know where I’ve been and love me on the journey. I’ve craved heart chats and laughs and adventures… I realize that these days spent with my best girls seem farther and farther apart. Somewhere in the transition of weddings and babies and re-locations, the ease of seeing people after work or lazy Sundays on the couch are so infrequent… and the moments when we can all be together are memories frozen in time to be thankful for in coming years.

While a lot of the wedding still feels surreal -- it is also starting to feel more put in motion with my girlfriends’ celebrations and support. Talking bridesmaid dresses and colors and wedding dreams makes it feel less like a made-up fantasy and more like decisions that are our very own.

The best thing about this whole process is the freedom to dream about life with Benjamin. One of the pros of getting married in my 30’s is the wisdom and experience my married friends can pass along to me. Through the pieces of advice and snippets of their learning, it makes me that much more excited for life with my best friend – for the waking up and going to sleep and all the in-between passing-by moments that make life so fun. I know without a doubt that Benjamin is my person  and having him is the greatest gift of my life – not necessarily for the grandiose adventures (although we do plan to have those!), but for the day-to-day smiles and conversations and meals and cuddles that we share together. Being with my girls brought the anticipation and joy for the rest of my life with Benjamin to the surface – a life I am so excited to share with him.

I know marriage is hard work – I know it takes choosing that person everyday and committing to love them the way they need to be loved – it takes not assuming you know them, but continuing to seek him out and understand his heart. All of this is talk until it’s put in motion – and I want to remember these things. Life is about pointing each other to Christ and letting Him grow each of us into his marvelous creation – not through the lens of our own imperfections, but through the identity God has placed on each of us. Out of the many things I love about Ben, one that comes to mind is his heart to pursue truth and not settle for less than what God has for him. He challenges me to grow and to soften my heart to what Christ is doing. I know that in all things, a marriage centered on God means looking to Him instead of myself, absorbing his Truth and his Word, and serving Ben from a place of genuine joy. I am thankful for grace in the learning process, forgiveness for when I mess up,  and peace that only comes from God.

Being Engaged

I always wondered what it would feel like to be engaged… after the first week at work with by-the-minute ring distractions followed by the initial excitement of calling him fiancé – the rest is really just a question of what am I supposed to be doing right now…??! And – where do I begin?!

We took the first month to Be Engaged – having guarded ourselves (as much as we could…!) from actually talking about the wedding before we were in motion of engagement – it suddenly felt so free to talk about a When instead of an If.  Being engaged is one of the most deliberate steps we had taken to start making decisions together – and the second month of engagement bred unforeseen stress with merging two lives into one. Planning for marriage isn’t always natural or easy – we are both learning that it takes grace, selflessness and most of all – sacrifice. Instead of it being His home, it turned into Our home; instead of My future, it turns into Our future. While building a life together is perhaps the most beautiful thing you can do with someone… it is not just lovey engagement pictures and registering for fancy kitchen gadgets. It is putting in the hard work to discuss conflict and communication; expectations and attitudes. Pre-marital counseling digs up the scripts we carry from our own families, while looking ahead to how we want to form our own.

Engagement is also the most intimate I have felt with Benjamin – knowing his heart inside & out, and learning what makes him tick is what I commit my life to doing. What I know of him now is only a fraction of what I hope to know of him in coming years. Doing life right beside him is the best – and planning for a forever with him brings me more joy than I ever thought possible. We have surpassed the venue and dress and Guest List stage, and moved onto the more exciting things – like ice-cream cookie sandwich testing and cake samples… nom! Next weekend I have a shower in Chicago with my dear sister friends, and I also just purchased a skirt that is perfect for our honeymoon. Having always wondered where I would be and what I would be doing while wedding planning, there are often moments when I pause and wonder if this is really happening. Most days I feel like a little girl playing dress-up and pretend – just dreaming of my Someday and playing make-believe until it happens. The whole process is surreal in the craziest, most beautiful way – and even though I countdown the days where I am actually married to my Benjamin, I also relish in the in-between time spent planning, wishing, and anticipating being a wife. There’s nobody else I would rather do this with than him, and I am daily in awe of God’s faithfulness to give me this man I have prayed for my whole life.