In the Silence

"We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is a friend of silence. See how nature, trees, flowers, grass, grow in silence? See the stars, the moon, the sun, how they move in silence? Is it not our mission to give God to the poor - and not a dead god, but a living, loving God? The more we receive in a silent prayer, the more we can give in our active life. We need silence to be able to touch souls. The essential thing is not what we say, but what God says to us and through us. All our words will be useless unless they come from within. Words which do not give the light of Christ increase the darkness."

:: Mother Theresa

{as quoted in interview "Care of the Soul" with Brennan Manning}

sunrise :: Torrelevega.
Camino 2013

Silence is sacred. 

Here in the everyday to-do of life, it takes discipline. 

It's often seen as Useless or Misunderstood.

Today I embrace silence as more powerful than words. 

If I can do that today, then perhaps I can do it tomorrow, too.

This Is What It Means

It is here in this rhythm of graduate study, the shifting of seasons, and closeness of community that I am feeling alive. While I have always enjoyed learning, it is only recently that I am beginning to experience the depth of what it means to uncover buried passions. To engage in dialogue that stimulates my thinking as I wrestle with big questions about what I believe to shape who I am becoming is the exact experience I have been craving these past few years. 

Apple picking strategies with bro + Britt.

While there have been times that I question my place at Wheaton - I admittedly feel like an outsider looking in on the microcosm of "Good Christian Life" - it is in those exact moments that I am given reminders to show up fully with who I am because HE has called me HERE. The places I feel don't belong - the imperfection, questions, brokenness, past experiences, scars, and weaknesses - are in fact the the pieces of my heart that have been most welcomed. In a commitment to live honestly, I am brought to vulnerably disclose with colleagues and professors who I am in full... and the process of glad acceptance in the context of a "conservative" evangelical university has pointed me to the unconditionality of Christ. I will debate, I won't pretend, and I will be who I am... and it is here that I have seen God.  

A spiritual retreat last weekend, the start of a TA position with my favorite professor, and a recent experience with children while substituting at CHA have curiously confirmed God's movement in my life drawing me to pursue this degree. I am thankful for these blatant reminders telling me to Remain in the midst of occasional doubt.

Community happens around the table and fireside

While it's my habit to respond to academic life with a performance-driven attitude, I know that graduate school is not about the grade or the degree. In fact, it is about the journey. And on top of being fully myself, this is perhaps the most important thing I have learned in the master's program yet. 

Even through the 15 pages papers, annotated bibliographies, and pressure to lead a theological discussion in soteriology (ummm...), I know there's nothing else I would rather be doing right now. It's difficult, it's challenging, it's a lot of work... but nothing that comes easy is good. And in the continual reminder that life is about relationships, school is the beating drum in the background of building into these dear ones who do life alongside me.

Brunch + bike with these CHA teacher friends

Alive ( /əˈlīv/ ): aware of and interested in, responsive to; alert and active; animated

A Quest

When originally considering an M.A in Spiritual Formation at Wheaton, I hardly considered the scene of conversing around a table with fifteen Biblical Exegesis majors discussing matters of soteriology or pneumatology. I am drawn to this program to examine the ways of the heart; to learn the traditions of meditation and recitation; to integrate spiritual practices in the field of education; to awaken my soul and find identity in Him... I am not inherently prone to engaging in the roots of theological differences over the interpretation of Scripture passages. While my faith is alive and free, I've always tossed theology by the wayside when considering what it takes to fully know God.

Commuting via Metra

This week, I was enlightened to the reality of such theological debate with a sense of intimidation and questionable denominational foundation. Immediate hesitation regarding this course came with the overview of the syllabus - 500 pages of weekly reading, outlines, essays, discussions - and settling into the class proved every ounce of it true. When thrown into a class like this without the vocabulary or foundation to intellectually contribute, one cannot help but consider the options: A) run for the hills B) change courses C) fake it till you make it.

train schedule check.

I decided to follow-through with Option C. As I went about my assigned readings for the week, suddenly the boring-age-old-topic of theology was cast in a different light:

"Theology is no undertaking that can be blithely surrendered to others by anyone engaged in the ministry of God's Word. It is no hobby of some especially interested and gifted individuals. A community that is awake and conscious of its commission and task in the world will of necessity be a theologically interested community... Theology is committed directly to the community and especially to those members who are responsible for preaching, teaching, and counseling."
:: Karl Barth, The Place of Theology

Barth went on to demonstrate that theology is dedicated to fixing our eyes on God; a community that is focused on Immanuel - God with us - is one that is thankful and grateful to know the creative Word.

Grad school gear.

Even though Merriam Webster is my new best friend after working on a theology outline for eight hours, I have decided to commit; courageously move forward with learning the intellectual truth of what I believe as illuminated by the God of my heart as I seek to grow as a disciple and contributor to the greater community of the Church.

This is no easy task. It is going to take work.

But as I bear the great responsibility of counseling others in knowing Him, I want to reach that place where I fully stand upon the doctrinal knowledge of truth.

donuts make the brain think quicker.

Coffee is Life right now.

"What is at stake is the quest for truth. Take note that the quest for truth is not imposed on the community by the outside world (as the community in modern times permits itself, to a large extent, to be persuaded). The quest is not imposed in the name and authority of some general norm of truth or some criterion that is generally proclaimed as valid. Instead, it comes from within, or, more precisely, from above; it comes from the Word of God that founds the community and its faith."
:: Barth


Here's to embarking upon this quest of truth whether in the form of studying theology, praying through the journey of spirit & soul, or writing papers until the sun comes up. It is a quest I value in the formation of who I am, who I am becoming, and ushering me into who I want to be. It starts here and now. Onward.