While it's true that I'm prone to be nostalgic at any time of the year, Christmas is one of those times that it sets in deep; memories of Christmas past bring a certain familiarity to what's to come. Christmas in San Diego feels so different from Chicago... it almost seems like a prank on 70 degree days passing Christmas lights on houses & trees carried home on car roofs. The days of prepping for the long dark winter, sinking into boots in snow in order to field a forest of pines in search for the right tree, mittens and fires and puffer coats seem far off... I enter into a new kind of Christmas season here, yet it still carries the same remembrances and mixture of feelings, a combination of what has been and expectancy towards what will come.
This week has been a week to pause. I've made it a yearly tradition to find a break in this season to wake up early, snuggle in bed, brew some coffee, and write about the year. Entering into 2016, the word I chose was Trust. I begged God to take away my doubt - my mistrust in His character and calling, my failure to fully commit to being here in fear that I missed home too much. I wrestled with doubts plaguing my mind - that I would be alone forever and that I had missed out on too many past opportunities... perhaps God was done with me. I knew that I didn't want to live into these doubts - my own situation doesn't define who God is - how egocentric of me to believe so. Instead, God is who He is simply because He cannot be anything but Himself. He is always good, always loving, and always gives good gifts to His children. In 2016, I wanted to stand on that Truth - let go of Doubt and replace it with Trust.
When I look back on this year, the word that comes to mind is Faithful. Trusting God for who He says He is yields an opportunity to stand in the midst of His Faithfulness. God has given me far beyond what I ever thought possible... not just in giving me the love of my life, but in surrounding me with people that challenge me to grow into my fullest self... He is faithful to bring me out of a teaching situation that was detrimental to my soul, and move me into Higher Education - a job that could not be more perfect for this season of life. He has been faithful in providing finances when I didn't see it possible, in allowing me to have the wedding I have always dreamt of, and in preparing a way for me to be a wife. He has given me glimpses of His character - time after time - in the smallest of ways that most people would discount - an encouragement from a stranger, a random discount at my favorite store, a Christmas bonus for the exact amount needed for a specific gift... He sees and intimately knows my every need. I hope that year after year after year I look back and remember: God is Faithful.
I've always told my best friends that one of the reasons I love them so much is because when I look at them, I see the faithfulness of God. The kind of girls in my life are the ones that will fight for me, uplift me, speak Truth to me, challenge me, and laugh with me. These are the girls standing by my side on February 18th, 2017... and when I look at Benjamin I am filled with such overflowing love because in Him I see God's deep and true and consistent faithfulness. I am the girl with countless journals stored up of thoughts and prayers surrounding the man I am going to marry... always praying he was out there, but never seeing where or whom or how. In 2016, God revealed love to me in a way I never thought possible... and reminded me once again, He doesn't forget. He is always near. He is good. He is faithful.
On the brink of a new year, 2017 carries with it a variety of words... But the ones that come to mind the most are Generosity and Gratitude. I think the season of engagement / marriage carries with it the temptation to be self-focused. Instead, I want to remember that marriage is in fact the celebration of what God has orchestrated and the people He has given us to walk with in life. Marriage is so close to the heart of God because He knows that we can do more for His Kingdom together than apart. And I hope this will be true of our 2017... that as Benjamin and I move into this season, we will make it a time to serve those around us, love our city, and build His Kingdom together.
I desire for God to strip away the parts of my heart that do not serve Him so that I may be more for others than I am for myself. I know this is a process of cultivating gratitude and selflessness... and one I learn so often through Benjamin. I continue to yearn to be more like Christ in this way, and believe it is only through Him that this can be accomplished.
While in some ways I am sad to leave 2016 behind - the year of meeting, dating, and being engaged to my Benjamin; but I look with expectancy to 2017 - our wedding, honeymoon, and first year of marriage together. I know that we have far greater things ahead than those we leave behind (C.S Lewis)... and in so many ways, the adventure is just now beginning. But I also look back at this year in such admiration for the unexpected, the string of unforeseen events that only God could've written for me and I can't help but wonder what He has for this coming year....
