Another Upgrade

The one thing I've learned about painting,

is that it always takes more time than you think.

So here I find myself. 

Friday evening on a kitchen floor. 

Surrounded by a series of closely calculated lines... 

Because what else do you do when it's zero degrees outside??

I guess our apartment will look really awesome by spring.

Goodbye linoleum. Hello soon-to-be checkers.

Here's to just hoping we did the math right...

I guess we'll find out tomorrow!

Anxious, lately.

Anxiety is such a monster. It's a beast that feels un-conquerable and uncontrollable. I've had my share of the short bursts of stress or anxiety... but the kind that beats you up during the day and keeps you awake during the night has been seasons few & far between. The last time I remember a period of prolonged anxiety was in 2004 when decisions with ACT scores and colleges plagued my mind (that feels forrrrever ago...) But I also knew how to manage it because it had a root; I could recognize where it came from and when it would possibly end. And it eventually did.

Lately, my struggle is with the worst kind of anxiety - the kind that is so mysteriously sneaky that I don't know where it came from or how to defeat it. It's just there, lingering in my gut and churning my stomach until the wee hours of the morning, multiplying itself with every hour shortage of sleep. How to deal with that?! Because the thing about anxiety is that you can't willingly turn it off no matter how hard you yell at it to go away. Someone once told me that anxiety is what happens when you try to control the chaos... yet nothing feels chaotic in my life right now. After all, it's winter. (See previous post.) Life is slow and pretty standard these days...

< snowy night via pinterest >

But in these moments of deep & unnamed fear, community has been put in the spotlight and revealed its essential need in my life. Community is not a contrived theory or idealistic lifestyle. It's what changed the do's&dont's of a high school student into a life-giving, faith-walking belief pointing me to the real Jesus. It's here and it's real. Being broken in front of people and coming to the end of yourself and admitting you can't do it alone just to have others hold up your arms and tell you you CAN is my lifeline right now. It comes in the form of late night conversations with Suzy or Mikey, or the constant reminders of prayers from Jenny and Betsy, or scripture from Cassie, or the handwritten notes and sweet gifts from Aimee and Ashley. These loved ones have upheld me. And it's only in those bottom-of-the-barrel moments that I no longer look at these friendships as simply another part of my life, but literally the people who sustain me as they believe for me. They have shown me the overflowing, un-denying, unconditional love of God... and in that, the peace that surpasses all understanding (Phill 4) has been my shield in this anxious battle.

Last night I slept 7 hours - the longest in awhile - after my roommates prayed for me and begged for precious sleep and peace from God. And He is faithful and granted me that much-needed rest, reminding me that friends are praying for me and battling alongside me. I know now I couldn't do it without them... and maybe a tiny part of me sees the silver lining in this dose of anxiety. It's woken me up to the beauty of these friends I live life right beside and shown me once again that I am not alone.

Zero Degrees.

I guess it's that time again... the time of year that even Chicagoans dread. The season that foreigners talk about as "I would live in Chicago except for..." So here we are. It's negative temps and is it any surprise? It.is.cold.

Out my frosty window.

It's not like I haven't been prepared for this in the past. I'm all set in my layers and ready to duke it out. Today I was saved from the duties of Recess (thank you Report Card day / No School)... But tomorrow - it's Me vs. Winter.

The truth is, as much as the cold is cold... I have disciplined an appreciation for this season. If Chicago was always sunny, would I ever enjoy tea? Would I ever slow down? Would I ever even work?! If it's going to be cold, I guess the only way to live is embracing it. Suffering makes you stronger. (That's what I tell myself.)

So, tomorrow under my 2 sweaters, underarmour, fur vest, puffer coat, and scarf... I'll take an extra dosage of Vitamin D and attempt a scarfed smile or two. It will be - as Ashley called out this morning - "A 2-pants kind of day."

Because otherwise, it's going to be a loooong winter.

The only way to fight the cold is gearing up.

Alright. Let's do this.

Gatsby con't.

My talented Jenny made this stop-motion-esque video from our photobooth on NYE.

These are the faces of New Years...

I am so thankful for every.single.one of these dear friends!

Jumping In

When I reflect with honesty on 2012, I see a year of little change and a lot of stability. It was a safe year coasting through with ease and comfort. Starting the year in teaching Kinder, Spring Break back in my second home of Texas, staying in Chicago for the summer, then starting another year at the same school and grade level. Sure, I adventured around the country a bit and had moments of freedom & change within this city... But few circumstances brought challenges or obstacles or difficulty or risk.


So, when I think about 2013 - I crave the spirit of life that puts you over the edge. I yearn for growth and desire to willingly drive myself out of the comfort zone for the sake of curiosity and learning. Sometimes it simply takes an appetite for growth, a hunger for a life lived differently than what I know to push myself beyond what I know possible. Moving into more of my "later 20's," I know there is value in investing & planting roots, but I also realize that comfort is not this season. This applies across the board... friendships, dating, spiritual life, teaching, my summer off, roommates... Putting myself in the position to learn from doing things differently breeds a surge of new challenge, motivation, & excitement towards life.

This morning, our new year's dreams brought Ashley and I to Foster Beach. Bundled in sweatpants over bikinis, we numbed our bodies with the tides of Lake Michigan in January. Who knows what tomorrow will bring in this new year of ours... but for today it brought a lake jump. And that is enough.

Here's to a new year filled with hopes of new endeavors... 2013 is a going to be a good one.

Catching My Breath

After one of the best weekends of 2012, last Tuesday I found myself in a lonely Gatsby apartment with remnants of new years confetti and a few half-filled bottles of wine.

on the road... filter created through the lens of my sunglasses.

It felt like only moments after a quick apartment scrub down that I was on the road with my two brothers headed west to the mountains of Colorado. Although I caught up on some much needed z's on the first few sunrise hours of our drive, the rest of the road trip was a series of 5-in-5-seconds games, hydration preparation, cheese balls tournaments, and flat fixing. (My brothers taught me a lot about prepping my car for winter... Oops.) 

through the cornfields of the Midwest...

Sometimes a flat tire gets frozen on a car. Noted: Kicking it off works.

14 hours later, we arrived to Denver eager to explore the world Mikey has been living in - his house, roommates, girlfriend, mountains - even our family-owned car "LC" was comfortably parked on the curbside, reminding us of its new ownership of our youngest bro. After picking Michael's girlfriend Jillian up, we followed a rather precarious homemade map up to our condo (booked by google search: condo near Copper). 

ski lift sights.

#skisteins

The next few days, we layered up, fought the negative temps, and found ourself gliding down some blues with sandwiches and whiskey in our pocket. Mornings were spent at the table over brunch & freshly blended coffee, while nights were filled with chili in the slow cooker, games of cards, table topics, hot tubbing, and just being together. 

Mornings of euchre and coffee.

cozy cabin eves.

On Sunday night, Daniel and I arrived back to Chicago just in time to climb in bed and get back to the grind on Monday. The gold wallpaper is still hung, crystal on display, and photobooth in tact reminding us that NYE was not just a blurry dream. But life is springing forward in 2013 and this week has left me exhausted and longing to return to those cozy Christmas evenings. I guess there's always more time to catch my breath... and after battling the reality of returning to school, the weekend is finally here.

Siiiiigh.

The mark of a brilliant photographer:
crossing highways risking your life for a perfect mountain shot.

Wash Park exploration in Denver. 

Last night on the town : My Brother's Bar in Denver.
< Careful, that one mile high city will get ya! >

Golden Hour with my little Coloradoan brother.

Good Year 2012

Some of the highlights from a year defined by friendship & community. So thankful for 2012.

{2010 in review. 2011 in review.}

Upgrading the Lily by tearing up the 1989 pink carpet to find beautiful hardwood underneath.
Major Lily upgrade!

Ashley moves into the Lily!

Escaping Chicago winter to play in LA for a weekend with my favorite Suzy.

The first of many late night movies at our favorite city theater.

Valentine's Day photo shoot... freezing temps, but so much fun.

Da bulls with Adam, Ash, and Daniel.

Sharing Warby Parker home try-ons!

A picnic on the beach in March.

showering Betsy with love before she gets hitched.

Flying to TX to stand beside my lovely college roomie, Carrie, as she marries the man of her dreams.

Exploring Texas... from a beach cabana in Galveston to a campsite in Austin,
to playing in Waco with my dear Cannie! 

Reliving the college dream with Mikey at Baylor for Spring Break

Standing beside one of my best Chicago friends and roommate Betsy as she married Michael in April.

Kindergarten chicks... they actually [miraculously] hatched.

Jenny visiting Chicago for a weekend... vino, pie, cubs games, sleepover life... a lovely weekend.

This girl moves into the Lily!

The end of school and start of summer... projection nights in Ashley's room.

Driving down Highway 1 - from Portland to San Fran with Lindsay...
Hugging redwoods, dancing by the ocean, and sleeping in our car to name a few of the adventures...

Music Mondays... a favorite Chicago summer highlight.

Projecting Wes Anderson movie nights in our backyard.

Camping weekend in Starved Rock for Sonja's birthday.

Fourth of July... Americakes... Bomb Pops... heat!

Room redo. Simplifying life for the better.

B-day party in the yard for Britters.

All good nights end in Chalktionary.

Teaching summer art camp.

Ravinia tradition with my Chicago summer sisters.

Turning 26. Party at the lake.

Dancing the night away at Kingston Mines after a rooftop din with dearest friends

Devil's Lake, WI tradition with my dad's side of the fam

Milwaukcrew.

Epic Day!

New school year with 18 little Kindergarteners.

First Family Dinner in our apt.

Dinner parties in Wheaton.

Fall celebrations with Ash!

Carrie comes to visit Chi.

Nashville weekend with Britters and Jenny.

Playing with film in Chicago with these two.

Church being the church to support and love Jide.
- My favorite Chicago community -

Final family dinner... 30 people around 4 tables at the Lily.
Who knew it was possible?!

Thanksgiving week with my bros!

Christmas'ing with roommates.

Goodbye brunch for Jess.

Classy Christmas events. So merry, so bright.

Getting fancy with my brothers. Christmas.

Gatsby New Years weekend!!!!

Another year... 2013 is going to be a good one.