“Not my idea of God, but God. Not my idea of H., but H. Yes, and also not my idea of my neighbour, but my neighbour. For don't we often make this mistake as regards people who are still alive -- who are with us in the same room? Talking and acting not to the man himself but to the picture -- almost the précis -- we've made of him in our own minds? And he has to depart from it pretty widely before we even notice the fact.”

/ C.S. Lewis

"A Grief Observed"

Wheaton Goodbyes

For me, there is nothing more difficult than saying goodbye... Letting one chapter end and another begin. Leading up to Baylor graduation, merely walking into our apt at Crescent Plex brought a lump to my throat, leading me to tears with the weight of leaving. How could life get better than living with your best friends in a quirky town like Waco where the biggest stress was which group of friends to hangout with on a Friday?! The following year, I was led into a spiral of Identity Crisis, longing with sentimentality for the carefree days of college, while simultaneously being thrust into a world that required an Adult version of myself, one that had yet to develop. When you are living those blissful golden years, it's hard to notice that it someday might change... Time seems to freeze in place, as if perhaps it will continue like it is forever.

But all of a sudden it's seven years later and I am graduating with a master's from Wheaton College - a journey that has changed me in ways I never could've predicted. My word for the past two years is Gift. I am learning what it means to live in gratitude as I pay attention to the working of God around me. Through learning the history of the church & traditions of our spiritual mothers and fathers, I understand what the spirit-driven process of forming the inner world to become like Christ really means. As I dug deep into my family of origin, I mourned losses and celebrated victories, struggled with the past and found hope in the future, and - most importantly - began to understand in a profoundly new way the reconciliation and renewal of Christ. Systematic theology courses intimidated me, philosophy of education classes reworked me, and counseling classes fed me. I utilized tools in quantitative and qualitative research that I never knew existed. I wrote paper on paper in the depths of the library, digging into topics like imagination, child formation, teaching for transformation, and courageous living. I quoted CS Lewis, watched days of Tolkien, and read Chesterton, T.S Eliot, and Nouwen. I learned that leadership is more about service than about strength. I explored who God created me to be, and how to be a good steward of what He's given me. I wrestled with calling, strengths, gifts, compassion, needs, desires, hurts, and loves. My professors poured into me, brought clarity to undefined topics, and were FOR me as a learner and person, no matter my questions. I made three close friends in the process of school - friends that uplifted me, encouraged me, held hands with me, and loved me. I carry these dears with me even as the program ends. This program has constantly pushed me into states of disequilibrium where I am challenged to define what it is I believe after critical analysis, biblical interpretation, and stimulating discussion.

I leave this program changed. I am not who I was when I started. I worship God in ways I never knew before and I now see how ALL of Creation points to Him.

In a few short weeks I exit the world of graduate school (thesis pending) and jump into Whatever Is Next. When I was debating whether or not to go to Wheaton, my dear friend Sonja told me: "Rebecca, dare to dream outside the Kindergarten classroom." This is certainly what my time away from the classroom has been about: daring to dream. My prayer is for this idea to materialize as I make next steps. I have a life and friends, family and job waiting for me here in Chicago... I don't know where daring to dream could lead next, but I am open.

“The voice we should listen to most as we choose a vocation 

is the voice that we might think we should listen to least, 

and that is the voice of our own gladness.”

/ Frederick Buechner, Graduation Address 

Zoo Selfies and Day Drinks

Because what better way to emerge from Hibernation?!

Spring is here and life is full.

Thankful, so thankful, for friends that commit to life together. 

In the beautiful Here-I-Am type of way.

A weekend grad "retreat." I passed comps!

Teaching the littles.

Roommate birthdays... Little Goat.

Yes, Dad got me a selfie stick for Easter.
Yes, I now have 35 photos in a Zoo Selfie Stick album.
This could probably be a whole separate blog post...

But seriously - when was the last time you marveled at a giraffe?! 

Thankful for these ladies! 

A 30th birthday photobooth for Stephy!

When the sun decides to shine it means a day of bloody mary's, beer gardens, and sangria.
The idea of "ease into summer" did not go very far.

Him over Me

I was once asked [most likely on a first date] what the majority of my thoughts during the day revolve around. While I wish my slightly intelligent AND holy (!) response of - I mostly debate the theological implications of soteriology and how that plays out in the various denominational views, was the reality... could be true - I hate to admit the reality is  that my Thought Life revolves around the constant nebula of My Future. When will I finish my master's? What will I do on Friday? I have to text/call so-and-so. Do I really want to stay in this job? What would life look like to move out? Will I ever get married? 

It's no wonder that so many of the spiritual disciplines call us to the present and root us in the moment. As I write my thesis, I realize this is precisely what pilgrimage does for the individual - it calls one to live life as it is Right Now. I gravitate towards pilgrimage because my soul knows I need it. One of my favorite authors on spiritual disciplines,Adele Calhoun, has this to say about Silence:

"As you quietly offer your body you can hone your listening reflexes. There is nothing you need to do here. This is not a time to come up with strategies for fixing your life. Silence is a time to rest in God. Lean into God, trusting that being with him in silence will loosen your rootedness in the world and plant you by streams of living water. It can form your life even if it doesn't solve your life. The anonymous author of The Way of the Pilgrim wrote, 'I need peace and silence to give free play to this quickening flame of prayer.' Let the silence lead you to prayer."

I want to want God more than I want my plans. I want to see Him more than I see myself. I want to trust Him more so that my future doesn't seem like a dark looming question mark to answer, rather a beckoning to turn my eyes to His work and thank Him for this life I get to live. I want to remember that only He is life to my soul in a way nothing else can ever be. 

Getting Rid of the Ego

As one grows up, he or she tends to seek out the thing they are Good At. At first, one identifies this strength from family, which eventually shifts into affirmation from peers. My favorite developmental psychologist, Erik Erickson, termed the outcome of virtues in this stage Industry vs. Inferiority. If one does not find self-worth with a specific "industry," he or she starts to compare their personal abilities to other children and enters into a stage of "inferiority." As a child, I quickly detected that my gifts were not in sports or student government, rather the thing I was most consistently drawn to was academics. (Early signs of a teacher...? Guilty.) Convinced my teachers held the information of the world in their hands, I lived under the impression that if I just sat with them long enough, I could crack the codes of the universe. Over the years, I prided myself in high honors through academic achievement. I found identity through words from teachers, family, and students as I daily fought the pressure to assume this Good Student role.

... Which brings me to a pending master's and an approaching graduation date. After clocking over 80 hours this past week in a room surrounded by [close to 37] books, I pumped out a literature review that I was supposedly "working on all semester." I proudly presented this document glowing with newly acquired research to my professor, expecting his seal of approval and permission to move onto the next thesis chapter, due on Wednesday. Instead, I sat stunned reading an email of the worst academic criticism I have ever encountered. While my eyes welled with tears, they were not blurred enough to ignore the last word of the document: "Redo." My instinct told me to fight and I strung together words in defense of my writing. (Thank you Google Drafts for saving me from an email I would undoubtedly regret...)

Living the Cube Life.

... and all the books.

It has only been in the process of writing this thesis that I am learning to recognize and let go of my Ego. It is the ego that seeks out such desperate need for Approval, constantly answering to the plaguing thought of "Am I doing this right?!" While the ego is always there, I can choose not to operate under this illusion or defense system - because it is in that place that I am closed off to the refinement and challenge that is ultimately for my good, to make me a more compassionate and understanding human. I am trying to return to my Authentic Self - generous, sincere, and present; instead of being overridden by the ego - greedy, fearful, and defensive. This.is.not.easy. Especially when it comes to Identity.

What is the pressure I sense to graduate in May? I quickly jump to disappointment in myself and listen to thoughts of Failure. I start believing things like "I was never cut out for a higher degree... I'll never be accepted into a PhD program... I'm not smart... I don't deserve my professor's time..." Instead of an initial response of defense and shame, I would like to be more willing, more receiving, more attentive to constructive criticism. I am too quick to be a Know-It-All and I don't like this piece of myself. I pray that God changes me; that I find my identity in who He says I am instead of academics. Because when this happens, nothing can crumble or shake; nothing can rattle my core when I know I am deeply loved by Him. And if the Creator of the Universe calls me His, what other approval do I seek?!

This is a truth I know with my mind, but I am challenged to live out from my heart.