I love these guys… and now they have a Christmas alb!

{ thank you Mikey for keeping me In with all things music… }

Season of Fur

With eager dedication to her quest, Ashley pronounced one Saturday a commitment to seeking a fur coat for 75 cents at the thrift. With an added ounce of fortitude in the wee hours of the morning, she returned with nothing less than one mink coat, which she gracefully whisked off the Salvation Army rack for a grand total of... 75 cents. And because it was August, we displayed this model of Ash's obvious spiritual gifting on the hallway coat rack to welcome all Lily guests. 

Sometimes Ashley loses Odds Games and has to wear her fur to church...

It was no less than one week later when Ashley decided to put her fortuitous thrifting to work once again, as she escaped the Lily in light of searching for yet another 75 cent fur. Convinced the previous fur find was an act of coincidental grace in the life of Ash, I used all motivational strategies to dissuade her from the impending disappointment looming over an unfulfilled mission. It was to her benefit that she ignored such nonsense advice, because two hours later Ashley returned with yet another fur… for 75 cents. 

As noted last weekend:
There's a reason people [and animals] wear these things.
Turns out, they are really really really warm.

Our coat rack now greets Lily newcomers with a frivolous display of two real furs, while the secret of thriftiness is hushed with an intended air of fanciness. 

Memories of our very first Lily Christmas linger in mind: taped-together burlap stockings adorning artwork that was garbage-picked from our alley, which hung beside the free craigs-listed couch… Christmas 2011 with Betsy set the tone for the true culture of Lily Life. Three years after that first Christmas in the Lily, I am reminded via the medium Fur of what it means to live in our home. Amidst the interchange of both seasonal and permanent guests, parties and conversations and life lived with roommates new and old, these two furs represent the common ground that unites all who have experienced the in's & out's of Lily Life. In the absence of in-unit laundry or a garbage disposal, the lack of a dishwasher or more than one bathroom, it is clear that our apartment is far from fancy… yet this is not something we simply put up with, rather is the defining factor of what we love most about our home.

our furs found friends.

So although there has been talk of converting the furs into decorative pillows or perhaps winter blankets; we've toyed with the idea of selling the furs for flights to Paris or Rome, and laugh about using them to hang as interactive art on a wall… I know deep down these furs will forever remain exactly what they are: a commitment to Lily Life past & present, making memories as roommates in Chicago in our 20's, and perhaps an attempt to feel a hint of fanciness amidst the reality of our graduate-student/career-searching/penny-pinching lives. 

Fur makes for a Halloween costume as- Margot from the Royal Tenenbaums
… the shoulder pads have since been removed.

Someday, we might live in apartments with granite kitchen counters and evenly-aligned door frames; we might have doorknobs that open doors when turned and walls without cracks or holes, but for now I am content knowing this is exactly who we are... 75 cent fur coats and all.

The Few Great Things

"You don't have to know a lot of things for your life to make a lasting difference in the world. But you do have to know the few great things that matter, perhaps just one, and then be willing to live for them and die for them. The people that make a durable difference in the world are not the people who have mastered many things, but who have been mastered by one great thing."

:: John Piper, Don't Waste Your Life

Lily Home.

In only a few short days I will be finished with my first semester of graduate school. And though I'm in the wake of finals, confronted with the pressure of reviewing material and feeling the never-ending strain of papers to be written, I am thankful. While it seems that one goes to graduate school to attain knowledge for cognitive growth, here at Wheaton College I find it to be more than a degree that leads to a career; more than a means to an end. This season is dedicated to formation, not destination. It is here that I am learning to submit my life to costly grace, to articulate my theological views, to wholeheartedly pursue my passion, to see the Image of God in all people, to let my philosophy of ministry guide my life, to live and die for He who is bigger than myself. It is acquiring knowledge of Him that transforms my love for Him; it is holistic growth that encapsulates all that I am and all I want to be. He called me here to see more of Him, to learn what I am created for, to rest, to let that which I know and speak be that which I live. Not to know many things, but to let my life be mastered by the One Great Thing.

Christ: the Light of the World, the baby we celebrate this season who is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Christ who came to earth to be our Savior, to point us to the Father, to proclaim the grace, joy, and peace for all nations.

Rush & Wheaton. Grad life is better when done together.

Even now, as I hunker down in the library covered by books, a research paper only 1/8 finished, and the frenzy that comes with running off to my first final, I am in awe of God. He brought me here to give me this gift. The gift of seeing Him more clearly in Scripture, be mentored by professors, and to mold me in compassion and love for his people. 

This is His work. How privileged I am to join Him here.

Snowy days, alley days. Finals, I'm comin for you.

Golden Hour

One of the highlights of being a student this year is knowing that I am writing and library-ing and researching and theologizing alongside my little brother, Mikey, as he studies at Denver Seminary. Together, we seize any opportunity to nerd out over original sin, orthodox doctrines, and on which branch of the conservative/liberal spectrum we fall. Mikey encourages me to dig into Scripture for Truth, to represent Jesus with authenticity, and to regularly revisit the glory and beauty of the gospel message. Don't you just want to join his church someday??! I do :)

But what I love most about my brother is that in addition to his exploration of Jesus through intellect, he has the most adventurous, creative, fun-loving, goofy spirit I know. On any given day, I'll receive study break texts with songs or quotes or vids to watch, and his Instagram is filled with camping, biking, and video excursions. He lives for making memories, whether in the form of Odds Game dares, drinks at the local bar, or just hanging and watching marathons of Friends.

Over Thanksgiving Break, whilst sitting at the table together studiously focusing on papers and sermons, the most beautiful golden hour streamed in through our kitchen window. So it only makes sense that Mikey and I ditched all things Grad Life to go play in the sunlight as we revisited our childhood streets. We used Mikey's Canon T3i to capture the good ol' life in the burbs with our matching high buns amidst backyards of pine forests & willows.

 

{images edited in LightRoom}

"We stand in awe of the ocean,

The thunderstorm,

The sunset,

The mountains,

But we pass by

A human being

Without notice

Even though

The person

Is God's most

Magnificent 

Creation"

:Augustine

{ Camino 2013 }

Today I remember it's friendships and people who bring meaning to life.

The experience of beauty is richer with someone else by your side

delighting in it with you.

This Hymn.

Continually returning to the truth of these words,

the consistent measure of the melody,

and the gentle repetition of the notes

which turn me away from rush and hurry

to the stillness of God's peace.

Real Life: I'm a Student

While it's true that life is note-taking, library-hunkering, presentation-giving, paper-writing, and reading-for-days…

2nd Floor, Billy Graham Center: The place where All Things Grad Life happen.

Days spent studying at the Chicago Public Library...
definitely more productive when feeling like a professional collegiate.

Heritage study dates necessary.

it's also true that grad life survival exists in weekday karaoke, midnight movies, coffee on coffee dates, and fall frolics...

"fireball country" - birthday surprise 

My only regret, leaving the Katniss costume at home.

The night I fell in love with the lead singer of Lord Huron...

Even in the Overwhelming and Stressful, grad life is just too fun.
There's nothing else I would rather be doing than reading & writing the days away...
And to say that is truly a gift.

These Two.

In a few short days, we will gather around the table to hold hands, consume mass amounts of turkey, and give thanks to God in the company of family. Yet it is not encapsulated within this specific moment that deep thankfulness come into fruition, rather in the anticipation of what's to come do I recognize real gratitude. 

In the thought of these coming days, a joy fills my spirit that marks the beginning of a season of holiday. From now until the end of the year, the wave of the Holiday Season sweeps through our lives, overcoming us with shared meals, cookie exchanges, gift purchases, fancy soirees, and a return to the familiar melodies from holidays past.

Brother 1.

Brother 2.

Knowing that I can look forward to holidays with a sense of expectation instead of dread brings thankfulness in itself. I am thankful that I want to go home, I am thankful I have a family to be with, I am thankful for the laughter and togetherness felt when I spend time with my brothers.

My Baylor sibsteins. These two guys. They are my best friends. The holidays are marked by being together with them… a gift I know won't last forever as life takes its turns through marriages, travels, or otherwise. But for now, the joy that comes from thoughts of driving back to Deerfield on Wednesday, a night of family, pizza, and games, followed by a Turkey Trot on Thursday morning and cooking pumpkin pie in the kitchen with Mom brings a smile I can't resist.

Or perhaps better stated in the words of my dear Papa: "Family, family, family. The rest is bullshit." 

Reminders

fall walks.

"In friendship… we think we have chosen our peers.

In reality a few years' difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses,

the choice of one university instead of another…

The accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting…

Any of these chances might have kept us apart.

But for Christians, there are, strictly speaking 

no chances.

A secret master of ceremonies has been at work.

CHRIST, who said to the disciples: 

"Ye have not chosen me but I have chosen you for one another."

The friendship is not a reward for our discriminating and good taste in finding one another out.

It is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us

the beauties of others."

:: C.S. Lewis

b&r day of fun.

God intertwined this heart with mine at the exact moment I needed it, when least expected,

in the most unpredictable happenstance.

After only a few hours strolling the streets of Madrid with Britt,

I knew she was not just a friend of the road, or a travel buddy, or a random meet-up

She is a friend of the heart.

From Spain to Chicago, this friend has lifted me up, encouraged me, prayed for me, and loved me

far beyond what I deserve.

She's adventured & done community with me, laughed & solo danced in the corner of an empty room with me, and brought unending & consistent joy to my spirit.

And last night, it was only one simple phone call 

that prompted a surprise note from Britt on my windshield

altering my spirit and bringing life in my darkness.

I am so blessed by the creativity of God to intertwine such lovely friends in my life, 

who daily draw me to see more of Him.

Seeds in Fall

"But as I explore autumn's paradox of dying and seeding, I feel the power of metaphor. In the autumnal events of my own experience, I am easily fixated on surface appearances - on the decline of meaning, the decay of relationships, the death of a work. And yet if I look more deeply, I may see the myriad possibilities being planted to bear fruit in some season yet to come…. This hopeful notion that living is hidden within dying is surely enhanced by the visual glories of autumn."

:: Parker Palmer

:: Let Your Life Speak

{ Waupaca, WI : 2013 }

While I often view autumn as the time in which life is put to death, I am reminded that in the prospect of death there is the hope of new life. It is in this season that I reflect on the possibilities turned down, the doors closed, and the relationships lost that opened up space for another plan to be brought forth. I discern now what I could not see at the time - that there was meaning in my ideas not working and how it made space for other experiences to surface. Daily dying to this truth is the precursor to new life. In autumn, seeds are sown even when giving the appearance of death.

"But when I yield to the endless interplay of living and dying, dying and living, the life I am given will be real and colorful, fruitful and whole."

:: Palmer

Kairos

Here in the third largest city in the U.S, often time takes on the form of schedules, routines, appointments, and is lived in increments of to-do's. It is not until a city escape to the woods of Wisconsin that time slows down from the rushed & hurried patterns of Chicago and the idea of Rest can be fully embraced in clear air, acres of land, and chats over a fire.

Open land, open sky

Fireside days

Too often we forget that success is not measured by efficiency, tasks, and individualism. Constantly aware of the minutes and seconds, we define time by workweeks and weekends so that it slowly drains our soul. Immersed in the fast-paced, never-enough-time train of thought, I forget that Jesus offers a contrasting view of time. An idea of time focused on relationships from the biblical word kairos, focuses instead on the opportunity for significant event. In the chronos view of time also mentioned in the Bible, time is reduced to segments and sequences dedicated to specific lists. It is no surprise that kairos is used twice as often in the New Testament, pointing to life as memorable moments apart from schedules and priorities.

Flannel on flannel

Not WI without Spotted Cow...

Being together.

Kairos means to be together and enjoy life with the people you love. 

This past weekend was one lived in kairos. Time moved slowly, gradually, and relationally. Discussions about the definition of the soul and human purpose over the fire... eggs & bacon when the sun comes up, looking up at the stars, flannel-clad cuddling, and four-wheeling interspersed with games of flag football is a weekend defined by kairos. Kairos means laying on blankets in the sun surrounded by the changing colors of the trees & porch-sitting in rocking chairs, sipping coffee, and watching the rain. 

We walk away from this weekend invigorated towards life in community and refreshed by simply being together. It's true: we were designed for kairos. 

Blankets in the sun... Rest.

As someone naturally wired towards success in the zone of academics, I have trained my School Self to be about tasks and papers and projects and presentations. But I must remember that this time is a gift, and if life is about people then my time must reflect that value. Being together in slow moving time gives the brain rest to focus and work. 

Play, Work, and Rest work together... that is how true kairos is lived.

[ ... and a few rounds of Fireball followed by a dance party never hurt either... ]

As given spirit animals for the weekend, here is Britt's frisky pony

{ all photos taken on 35mm film on the Diana Mini }

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes 
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes,
because each has been sent 
as a guide from beyond.

:: Rumi "The Guest House"

To live authentically is to welcome the unwanted.
Instead of shaming, it's celebrating.
Instead of hiding, it's exposing.
It's difficult. It's vulnerable. But is there any other way to fully live?!

Midwest At Heart

As if we have never driven across the cornfields of windmills here in the Midwest, Ash and I eagerly hopped in the car on Saturday with playlists, snacks, and GPS destination: Dayton, OH. While I dream of the west coast or islands of Spain, it is here in the heart of America - the dear Midwest - that I sense a beckoning feeling of graceful Return. After stopping at a classic diner for grilled cheese and chicken noodle soup, Ash and I knew this weekend would be branded with everything characteristic of our home in the Midwest.

City escape.

Diner stop.

With its flag-adorned front porches, high school letter jackets, and neighborly hello's from fellow-dog-walkers, Dayton is truly Americana suburbia at its finest. And there is a comforting err of nostalgia that comes with the slowed pace watched from the swing of a home. Exploring coffee shops tucked away from the rain with a mug of coffee and my best friends is a beautiful way to spend a weekend.

I want this swing.

Rainy walks.

Sampson and I are learning to be friends.

Often when friends visit, the misconception is that there must exist an itinerary of Really Cool Stuff to make the destination as Awesome As Possible. But with Jenny, it is a refreshment, joy, and adventure from merely being together. Whether it's giving Sampson a bath after splashing in mud and a rainy walk, or making dinner and cuddling to a movie, or simply sleeping in and eating cereal in our pajamas, the delight comes from heart talks and laughter and Real Life. It comes in the regular activities of day-to-day as we walk life side-by-side.

I was once told that the mark of deep friendship is someone you simply want to grocery shop with. Jenny's free-spirit, deep love for life and people, and easygoing nature make her one of the best companions, the one I want to grocery shop with (especially at her favorite local market!), and a true gift. The reality of life is that most of it is actually pretty boring; the adventure comes when life is lived alongside someone else.

I mean... the color of this wall!

{ Adventures can also come through margs and city life in Cinci!}

Obviously loving these streets of the Midwest.

 I return thankful for the reminder of transparent and authentic friendship from a weekend escape to the streets of Ohio explored alongside my two best partners in crime.

Love you forever Jenny B!

In the Silence

"We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is a friend of silence. See how nature, trees, flowers, grass, grow in silence? See the stars, the moon, the sun, how they move in silence? Is it not our mission to give God to the poor - and not a dead god, but a living, loving God? The more we receive in a silent prayer, the more we can give in our active life. We need silence to be able to touch souls. The essential thing is not what we say, but what God says to us and through us. All our words will be useless unless they come from within. Words which do not give the light of Christ increase the darkness."

:: Mother Theresa

{as quoted in interview "Care of the Soul" with Brennan Manning}

sunrise :: Torrelevega.
Camino 2013

Silence is sacred. 

Here in the everyday to-do of life, it takes discipline. 

It's often seen as Useless or Misunderstood.

Today I embrace silence as more powerful than words. 

If I can do that today, then perhaps I can do it tomorrow, too.

This Is What It Means

It is here in this rhythm of graduate study, the shifting of seasons, and closeness of community that I am feeling alive. While I have always enjoyed learning, it is only recently that I am beginning to experience the depth of what it means to uncover buried passions. To engage in dialogue that stimulates my thinking as I wrestle with big questions about what I believe to shape who I am becoming is the exact experience I have been craving these past few years. 

Apple picking strategies with bro + Britt.

While there have been times that I question my place at Wheaton - I admittedly feel like an outsider looking in on the microcosm of "Good Christian Life" - it is in those exact moments that I am given reminders to show up fully with who I am because HE has called me HERE. The places I feel don't belong - the imperfection, questions, brokenness, past experiences, scars, and weaknesses - are in fact the the pieces of my heart that have been most welcomed. In a commitment to live honestly, I am brought to vulnerably disclose with colleagues and professors who I am in full... and the process of glad acceptance in the context of a "conservative" evangelical university has pointed me to the unconditionality of Christ. I will debate, I won't pretend, and I will be who I am... and it is here that I have seen God.  

A spiritual retreat last weekend, the start of a TA position with my favorite professor, and a recent experience with children while substituting at CHA have curiously confirmed God's movement in my life drawing me to pursue this degree. I am thankful for these blatant reminders telling me to Remain in the midst of occasional doubt.

Community happens around the table and fireside

While it's my habit to respond to academic life with a performance-driven attitude, I know that graduate school is not about the grade or the degree. In fact, it is about the journey. And on top of being fully myself, this is perhaps the most important thing I have learned in the master's program yet. 

Even through the 15 pages papers, annotated bibliographies, and pressure to lead a theological discussion in soteriology (ummm...), I know there's nothing else I would rather be doing right now. It's difficult, it's challenging, it's a lot of work... but nothing that comes easy is good. And in the continual reminder that life is about relationships, school is the beating drum in the background of building into these dear ones who do life alongside me.

Brunch + bike with these CHA teacher friends

Alive ( /əˈlīv/ ): aware of and interested in, responsive to; alert and active; animated