This Is What It Means

It is here in this rhythm of graduate study, the shifting of seasons, and closeness of community that I am feeling alive. While I have always enjoyed learning, it is only recently that I am beginning to experience the depth of what it means to uncover buried passions. To engage in dialogue that stimulates my thinking as I wrestle with big questions about what I believe to shape who I am becoming is the exact experience I have been craving these past few years. 

Apple picking strategies with bro + Britt.

While there have been times that I question my place at Wheaton - I admittedly feel like an outsider looking in on the microcosm of "Good Christian Life" - it is in those exact moments that I am given reminders to show up fully with who I am because HE has called me HERE. The places I feel don't belong - the imperfection, questions, brokenness, past experiences, scars, and weaknesses - are in fact the the pieces of my heart that have been most welcomed. In a commitment to live honestly, I am brought to vulnerably disclose with colleagues and professors who I am in full... and the process of glad acceptance in the context of a "conservative" evangelical university has pointed me to the unconditionality of Christ. I will debate, I won't pretend, and I will be who I am... and it is here that I have seen God.  

A spiritual retreat last weekend, the start of a TA position with my favorite professor, and a recent experience with children while substituting at CHA have curiously confirmed God's movement in my life drawing me to pursue this degree. I am thankful for these blatant reminders telling me to Remain in the midst of occasional doubt.

Community happens around the table and fireside

While it's my habit to respond to academic life with a performance-driven attitude, I know that graduate school is not about the grade or the degree. In fact, it is about the journey. And on top of being fully myself, this is perhaps the most important thing I have learned in the master's program yet. 

Even through the 15 pages papers, annotated bibliographies, and pressure to lead a theological discussion in soteriology (ummm...), I know there's nothing else I would rather be doing right now. It's difficult, it's challenging, it's a lot of work... but nothing that comes easy is good. And in the continual reminder that life is about relationships, school is the beating drum in the background of building into these dear ones who do life alongside me.

Brunch + bike with these CHA teacher friends

Alive ( /əˈlīv/ ): aware of and interested in, responsive to; alert and active; animated