From the documentary Iris - 

speaking of her husband, she says:

"He was cool and cuddly and could cook homemade Chinese food... So I thought 'I can't do better than this!'"

If only things were still so simple... Le sigh.

Missing Out

One of the most difficult parts of uprooting life to move across the country is leaving the place of Home behind. Not just in the one moment of saying goodbye with hugs and tears - but in all the moments that follow as I create a new world from afar and Chicago continues to be lived in parallel. It's in all the missed weddings, baby surprises, birthday parties, coffeeshop hangouts... the life that keeps on living back where best friends make new memories, my coffee order is waiting for me before I order, and friends look to me to keep the social calendar rolling. Right after I decided to take a teaching job out here, I missed three of my close friends' weddings, the Cubs go to the playoffs, my cousin gets engaged, one of my best friends moves back to Chicago, and another friend has her baby. Chicagoans celebrate the red orange hues of the leaves as the season turns to autumn, while the temperature here continues to soar as I arrive to flights five hours early just to escape melting in my apartment.

I can never get enough of these.

My little home: Studio by the Sea.

Remnants of the most perfect San Diego Fall weekend with Steph

But if I'm honest - maybe it's also all these things that drove me away from the place I call Home. While I often had the thought of "I love it here, I never want to leave," that thought came with a twin that shouted "I'm bored. Life could be more..." While I crave Home, I also fought home. I got restless in so much of the Same. It seemed as if I lived for others' lives to move on, while mine remained on pause. I continually watched friends get married, have babies, and move away from the city year after year after year, and I wondered if I would ever have a turn. While community took shape, there was also a sense of it hanging on by a thread, waiting for relationships to be made then moved on. Attending others'  Goodbye parties, I wondered if I had the courage to step in line for my own; I questioned whether or not life would ever take me away from a place of comfort.

I get to do life with my college roomie/bestie Suzy and my bro

Family Style brunch is the best kind of brunch

So... Jessica and I lead a small group together. And we call ourselves the After Party.

I often feel that I am on a perpetual fight for the Good Life, questioning where it is I will be the happiest, or life will be easiest. Where will I have the most security and least amount of doubt... Where will I be the most content and satisfied and at peace with how things are? This weekend, one of my dearest friends Steph from Chicago came to visit and she reminded me that when it comes down to it, it truly doesn't matter where we are... God has a plan that stretches way beyond Me. (Hello. Wake-up call Rebecca.) - and His plan will be accomplished whether I'm here, there, or anywhere. It's so not about the where - and it's not about searching for this desirable Good Life. I must realize that this is the Good Life.

Tacos at Bailey's. These friends are family.

Living presently here and now: Beach camping and Lake Tahoe and slumber party weekends and Family Dinners and starting a church plant and all of our friends' airbnb'ing our homes b/c we're broke and burritos at Sunset Cliffs and Catalina camping and Settler's of Catan marathons and driving up Hwy 1 and succulent gardens and Taco Tuesdays and sunset runs and Cardiff Beach Saturdays and acai bowls and sandals to work everyday and Balboa Park explorations... If I left San Diego, my longing for all this would replace Chicago... and these are the things I would miss. Nostalgia is a tricky temptation to believe we once had it all Good, but it has been lost so that what we're stuck with is the present. Yes, living downtown Chicago for five years with my best friends in the midpoint of my 20's were certainly golden years... but the good times aren't over just because I moved. The moments right now are true gold.

Tahoe Times

Love this girl Madi

Photos: Todd James Photography

Daniel and I watched the sunset together the other night and I kept thinking - we get to do this... I can't believe we get to do this! We are so so lucky. I want to hold onto this and not long for a place where I am not. I wonder if that feeling ever goes away, or maybe it just gets replaced. 

Here it is still hot

Even as the days grow closer and closer to November, San Diego remains in soaring temps and sweltering heat, bringing reminders of the deepest longing for home. Nostalgia seems to hit hardest in fall, with the back-to-school buzz and pumpkin flavored everything. I return to favorite memories of when the house seems to put on its layer of hibernation for the winter, everything starts to feel cozier next to the the fireplace with hot apple cider, movies, pie. But apparently this year California doesn't seem to care too much about fall- despite the constant assurance from teachers and parents that "this is very unusual for this time of year!" (Of course it is.... ;)) My google search is automatically set to "window unit air conditioner" - who knew the entire county would be sold out of these mid-October?! The heat goes on....

When you can't have fall all around you, you have to bring fall to you.
My pumpkin porch thanks to the Field Trip last week :)

A timelessness exists in this place that forever feels frozen in summer vacation. I've always wanted to experience a place like this and wondered if it would either steal my heart forever causing me never to return, or if it would build an appreciation for winter in a new way so that I am more grateful when I do return. Hm. Still figuring that out.

The one and only changing tree I've found in Balboa Park.
I took too many photos.

This home of mine is a place of peace.

As I drive to work each morning, I watch the sunrise in the east, peeking through mountains, casting light to awaken sleepy hills. I am more aware of the rhythm of the day here, sunrises mark the morning and sunsets are a regular occasion to pause and gather with friends. The reminders of God's faithfulness through His Creation was lacking in my life in Chicago... I can see now how life-giving it is to be surrounded in His beauty; uprooting to a new landscape provides a lens through which I experience God in a new way. (Perhaps this is how I get addicted to travel...) Sunsets never seem to get old - even though people tell me "just wait until you're here long enough." I hope that isn't true. I've been living on earth for 29 years and still look up amazed at the giant puffs of white that fill the sky and pops of crazy color that sprout from the ground... The creativity of God remains astounding.

Sunrise along the drive

Sunset outside my door.

Though I'm settled in and life is rolling at a pace I appreciate... I've built a rhythm that feels natural and very much Me... I still can't shake the looming fear filled with questions mostly related to what's next. I wish so much that this wasn't true - I wish I could naturally be fully content right here, right now - but it is a constant discipline for me to live in the present. To simply Be without thoughts of Next. I hold my desires on one hand and ask God to carry them, knowing that He fully sees every single one of them, that they are somehow a reflection of His image in me. On the other hand I hold reality - the place that I live and the life that I already have. I wonder if my desires will always be a longing or if they will be fulfilled. Or perhaps they are already being fulfilled right now in ways I cannot see. Or maybe I just need to work on being more honest and intentional about pursuing what it is I want. This is partly why I moved out to California in the first place... to create a motion and start to turn the wheels of my desires. Maybe what I search for is simply the feeling of Home... a longing I will assuredly carry until I am in eternity with my one true Home. All I can do is live day-by-day-by-day-by-day right now and rest in the hope that He is with me, leading me forward, showing me more, and giving me what I need in His timing.

Weekend'ing for Madi's birthday - margs & pool life with such dear friends

Waking up to brunch

We found a Chicago bar!
Let's hear it... Go Cubs Go....!