Missing Out

One of the most difficult parts of uprooting life to move across the country is leaving the place of Home behind. Not just in the one moment of saying goodbye with hugs and tears - but in all the moments that follow as I create a new world from afar and Chicago continues to be lived in parallel. It's in all the missed weddings, baby surprises, birthday parties, coffeeshop hangouts... the life that keeps on living back where best friends make new memories, my coffee order is waiting for me before I order, and friends look to me to keep the social calendar rolling. Right after I decided to take a teaching job out here, I missed three of my close friends' weddings, the Cubs go to the playoffs, my cousin gets engaged, one of my best friends moves back to Chicago, and another friend has her baby. Chicagoans celebrate the red orange hues of the leaves as the season turns to autumn, while the temperature here continues to soar as I arrive to flights five hours early just to escape melting in my apartment.

I can never get enough of these.

My little home: Studio by the Sea.

Remnants of the most perfect San Diego Fall weekend with Steph

But if I'm honest - maybe it's also all these things that drove me away from the place I call Home. While I often had the thought of "I love it here, I never want to leave," that thought came with a twin that shouted "I'm bored. Life could be more..." While I crave Home, I also fought home. I got restless in so much of the Same. It seemed as if I lived for others' lives to move on, while mine remained on pause. I continually watched friends get married, have babies, and move away from the city year after year after year, and I wondered if I would ever have a turn. While community took shape, there was also a sense of it hanging on by a thread, waiting for relationships to be made then moved on. Attending others'  Goodbye parties, I wondered if I had the courage to step in line for my own; I questioned whether or not life would ever take me away from a place of comfort.

I get to do life with my college roomie/bestie Suzy and my bro

Family Style brunch is the best kind of brunch

So... Jessica and I lead a small group together. And we call ourselves the After Party.

I often feel that I am on a perpetual fight for the Good Life, questioning where it is I will be the happiest, or life will be easiest. Where will I have the most security and least amount of doubt... Where will I be the most content and satisfied and at peace with how things are? This weekend, one of my dearest friends Steph from Chicago came to visit and she reminded me that when it comes down to it, it truly doesn't matter where we are... God has a plan that stretches way beyond Me. (Hello. Wake-up call Rebecca.) - and His plan will be accomplished whether I'm here, there, or anywhere. It's so not about the where - and it's not about searching for this desirable Good Life. I must realize that this is the Good Life.

Tacos at Bailey's. These friends are family.

Living presently here and now: Beach camping and Lake Tahoe and slumber party weekends and Family Dinners and starting a church plant and all of our friends' airbnb'ing our homes b/c we're broke and burritos at Sunset Cliffs and Catalina camping and Settler's of Catan marathons and driving up Hwy 1 and succulent gardens and Taco Tuesdays and sunset runs and Cardiff Beach Saturdays and acai bowls and sandals to work everyday and Balboa Park explorations... If I left San Diego, my longing for all this would replace Chicago... and these are the things I would miss. Nostalgia is a tricky temptation to believe we once had it all Good, but it has been lost so that what we're stuck with is the present. Yes, living downtown Chicago for five years with my best friends in the midpoint of my 20's were certainly golden years... but the good times aren't over just because I moved. The moments right now are true gold.

Tahoe Times

Love this girl Madi

Photos: Todd James Photography

Daniel and I watched the sunset together the other night and I kept thinking - we get to do this... I can't believe we get to do this! We are so so lucky. I want to hold onto this and not long for a place where I am not. I wonder if that feeling ever goes away, or maybe it just gets replaced.