From the documentary Iris - 

speaking of her husband, she says:

"He was cool and cuddly and could cook homemade Chinese food... So I thought 'I can't do better than this!'"

If only things were still so simple... Le sigh.

Missing Out

One of the most difficult parts of uprooting life to move across the country is leaving the place of Home behind. Not just in the one moment of saying goodbye with hugs and tears - but in all the moments that follow as I create a new world from afar and Chicago continues to be lived in parallel. It's in all the missed weddings, baby surprises, birthday parties, coffeeshop hangouts... the life that keeps on living back where best friends make new memories, my coffee order is waiting for me before I order, and friends look to me to keep the social calendar rolling. Right after I decided to take a teaching job out here, I missed three of my close friends' weddings, the Cubs go to the playoffs, my cousin gets engaged, one of my best friends moves back to Chicago, and another friend has her baby. Chicagoans celebrate the red orange hues of the leaves as the season turns to autumn, while the temperature here continues to soar as I arrive to flights five hours early just to escape melting in my apartment.

I can never get enough of these.

My little home: Studio by the Sea.

Remnants of the most perfect San Diego Fall weekend with Steph

But if I'm honest - maybe it's also all these things that drove me away from the place I call Home. While I often had the thought of "I love it here, I never want to leave," that thought came with a twin that shouted "I'm bored. Life could be more..." While I crave Home, I also fought home. I got restless in so much of the Same. It seemed as if I lived for others' lives to move on, while mine remained on pause. I continually watched friends get married, have babies, and move away from the city year after year after year, and I wondered if I would ever have a turn. While community took shape, there was also a sense of it hanging on by a thread, waiting for relationships to be made then moved on. Attending others'  Goodbye parties, I wondered if I had the courage to step in line for my own; I questioned whether or not life would ever take me away from a place of comfort.

I get to do life with my college roomie/bestie Suzy and my bro

Family Style brunch is the best kind of brunch

So... Jessica and I lead a small group together. And we call ourselves the After Party.

I often feel that I am on a perpetual fight for the Good Life, questioning where it is I will be the happiest, or life will be easiest. Where will I have the most security and least amount of doubt... Where will I be the most content and satisfied and at peace with how things are? This weekend, one of my dearest friends Steph from Chicago came to visit and she reminded me that when it comes down to it, it truly doesn't matter where we are... God has a plan that stretches way beyond Me. (Hello. Wake-up call Rebecca.) - and His plan will be accomplished whether I'm here, there, or anywhere. It's so not about the where - and it's not about searching for this desirable Good Life. I must realize that this is the Good Life.

Tacos at Bailey's. These friends are family.

Living presently here and now: Beach camping and Lake Tahoe and slumber party weekends and Family Dinners and starting a church plant and all of our friends' airbnb'ing our homes b/c we're broke and burritos at Sunset Cliffs and Catalina camping and Settler's of Catan marathons and driving up Hwy 1 and succulent gardens and Taco Tuesdays and sunset runs and Cardiff Beach Saturdays and acai bowls and sandals to work everyday and Balboa Park explorations... If I left San Diego, my longing for all this would replace Chicago... and these are the things I would miss. Nostalgia is a tricky temptation to believe we once had it all Good, but it has been lost so that what we're stuck with is the present. Yes, living downtown Chicago for five years with my best friends in the midpoint of my 20's were certainly golden years... but the good times aren't over just because I moved. The moments right now are true gold.

Tahoe Times

Love this girl Madi

Photos: Todd James Photography

Daniel and I watched the sunset together the other night and I kept thinking - we get to do this... I can't believe we get to do this! We are so so lucky. I want to hold onto this and not long for a place where I am not. I wonder if that feeling ever goes away, or maybe it just gets replaced. 

Here it is still hot

Even as the days grow closer and closer to November, San Diego remains in soaring temps and sweltering heat, bringing reminders of the deepest longing for home. Nostalgia seems to hit hardest in fall, with the back-to-school buzz and pumpkin flavored everything. I return to favorite memories of when the house seems to put on its layer of hibernation for the winter, everything starts to feel cozier next to the the fireplace with hot apple cider, movies, pie. But apparently this year California doesn't seem to care too much about fall- despite the constant assurance from teachers and parents that "this is very unusual for this time of year!" (Of course it is.... ;)) My google search is automatically set to "window unit air conditioner" - who knew the entire county would be sold out of these mid-October?! The heat goes on....

When you can't have fall all around you, you have to bring fall to you.
My pumpkin porch thanks to the Field Trip last week :)

A timelessness exists in this place that forever feels frozen in summer vacation. I've always wanted to experience a place like this and wondered if it would either steal my heart forever causing me never to return, or if it would build an appreciation for winter in a new way so that I am more grateful when I do return. Hm. Still figuring that out.

The one and only changing tree I've found in Balboa Park.
I took too many photos.

This home of mine is a place of peace.

As I drive to work each morning, I watch the sunrise in the east, peeking through mountains, casting light to awaken sleepy hills. I am more aware of the rhythm of the day here, sunrises mark the morning and sunsets are a regular occasion to pause and gather with friends. The reminders of God's faithfulness through His Creation was lacking in my life in Chicago... I can see now how life-giving it is to be surrounded in His beauty; uprooting to a new landscape provides a lens through which I experience God in a new way. (Perhaps this is how I get addicted to travel...) Sunsets never seem to get old - even though people tell me "just wait until you're here long enough." I hope that isn't true. I've been living on earth for 29 years and still look up amazed at the giant puffs of white that fill the sky and pops of crazy color that sprout from the ground... The creativity of God remains astounding.

Sunrise along the drive

Sunset outside my door.

Though I'm settled in and life is rolling at a pace I appreciate... I've built a rhythm that feels natural and very much Me... I still can't shake the looming fear filled with questions mostly related to what's next. I wish so much that this wasn't true - I wish I could naturally be fully content right here, right now - but it is a constant discipline for me to live in the present. To simply Be without thoughts of Next. I hold my desires on one hand and ask God to carry them, knowing that He fully sees every single one of them, that they are somehow a reflection of His image in me. On the other hand I hold reality - the place that I live and the life that I already have. I wonder if my desires will always be a longing or if they will be fulfilled. Or perhaps they are already being fulfilled right now in ways I cannot see. Or maybe I just need to work on being more honest and intentional about pursuing what it is I want. This is partly why I moved out to California in the first place... to create a motion and start to turn the wheels of my desires. Maybe what I search for is simply the feeling of Home... a longing I will assuredly carry until I am in eternity with my one true Home. All I can do is live day-by-day-by-day-by-day right now and rest in the hope that He is with me, leading me forward, showing me more, and giving me what I need in His timing.

Weekend'ing for Madi's birthday - margs & pool life with such dear friends

Waking up to brunch

We found a Chicago bar!
Let's hear it... Go Cubs Go....!

In the Doubt

Upon first arriving to San Diego, new sights and sounds birthed a sense of adventure, which brought the refreshment of Change I so deeply desired. I entered into a community that embraced me with open arms, included me in their Family text group, welcomed me on weekend trips, and even threw me a much undeserved birthday party two nights in a row. But then life began to pick up speed; I entered a disastrous classroom just days before the first day of school and returned home late each night to a place that still felt so foreign and required more energy than I had to give in order to make it Home. The challenge of Transition set in and conquered every bit of initial excitement that led me to this place to begin with. Living into the difficulty bred doubt, and the doubt absolutely overtook me. I lived in fear that what I gave up in Chicago was too great; that I could never re-live my life there, and it was suddenly taken from me forever. Unpacking notes and pictures of my past life spiraled me into an unescapable breakdown where thoughts about picking up and ditching everything became serious considerations.

The sky outside my window. Unreal, right?!

Balboa I love you.

As the intensity of so much change all at once continued to weigh down on my soul, I felt disconnected from the underlying root of these emotions. It was initially so clear that this was the next step... Doesn't that mean I would step into a state of complete bliss? Because it was Challenging, I automatically assumed it was wrong. Challenge = Wrong, right?! If it's truly best, it feels easy and natural and perfect and glorious. Nope.

Thankful for how weddings bring together Chicago reunions.
A quick weekend in WI and back again. 

I have lived here almost two months and I'm now taking a breath above the current. The current did not, in fact, swallow me under! (We are actually more resilient than we give ourselves credit for...). Two months later, I love my studio home and I - surprisingly - love my job! I love it so much that the thought occurred to me to even stay another year... a thought I never could have perceived as a possibility just eight weeks ago.

Sibsteins in Tahoe

Tahoe Family Din - Ramen.

The truth is, transition takes time. And patience. I often don't want to give it the time it requires to settle in. I am so quick to judge whether something is Good or Horrible, instead of taking steps back, gaining eternal perspective, and moving forward one day at a time. This process has shown me to trust my own knowledge of myself and ability to make decisions... and to trust that God makes all things beautiful in His time.

Jessica's birthday beach camping!

Thankful for friends at sunset.

I am slowly leaning into the nuances of San Diego that make it feel so different, but in the best of ways. When I drive to work in the morning, I drive through canyons with mountains in the distance. At night, I take slow breaths watching the sun set below the horizon. Walks in Balboa Park are freeing for my soul, and quiet mornings with coffee and my journal in my studio home have suddenly become routine. There is a sense of Family here among friends (also my family is part of my friends. I love my bro!) and I recently joined a church plant that challenges me to declare God is who He says He is. Because the weather is the same each and every day, there is a timelessness that exists here, instead of the daily pressure to Make the Most of Any Good Weather Before the Impending Gloom of Winter in Chicago. Life here is laid back and lifestyle-driven, instead of scheduled and career-driven. Beach camping on a school night is something I could get used to, Taco Tuesdays are my absolute favorite, and beach volleyball and surfing on the weekends are just so much fun. Life here is simply easier than life in a city of snow, and that I would not change. People are irreplaceable - of course - but people are always there, waiting with open arms for the best reunions ever in Chicago.

Suz brings me to the best of beaches.
Cardiff-by-the-Sea

Just because it started out difficult does not mean it will always be difficult. I often enlarge my feelings in the moment and project them onto the Rest of My Life. But in reality, life has a particular ebb and flow to it, in and out of seasons, good and bad. This is where life is lived! It is the test of who we are: character-building, refining, and the story of our journey. My human nature so desperately cries for Comfort, but I know deep down it needs Challenge. A move across the country will, in time, no doubt bring both.

Finally Home.

On the Go

The past few weeks have been filled to the brim with traveling on weekends & non-stop teaching during the week. The strangest feeling throughout all the travels is returning to San Diego as Home. It still feels so foreign to me, as I slowly settle into my Studio by the Sea. No matter where I go, I carry with me a deep sense - and perhaps longing - for Home. I wonder if I will ever feel that sense of Belonging to a place like I did in Chicago. I am learning that the only way to cultivate a Home in this sense is through Time. It takes digging in and growing roots and commitment. It takes the phase of downright Figuring it All Out, and celebrations in the moments I finally don't have to plug in my address to GoogleMaps every time I return to my apt. I want to rush through this process to arrive to the state of natural routine, but this process cannot be rushed. It begs me to live into it, here and now. To not fight the challenge, but to bring a sense of awareness to the difficulty and pause for a moment to be thankful.

And I am so thankful. For an Outdoor School where I'm outside 15 times a day, for a studio that brings peace and rest, for friends here that I carry with me from Chicago, for adventures that have already been taken and the ones that are still in waiting. The only way to Joy is through gratitude - a discipline I am constantly learning to practice.

From There to Here

The past few weeks have been spirals of emotions so grand it has felt impossible to name in words... grieving the goodbye of life in Chicago, embracing a new adventure in a new city, celebrating 29, unpacking an apt, unpacking a classroom, hustling to start school, traveling to Denver, returning to SD, first full week of teaching school...

The high's and low's of Transition Time have been encountered not-so-gracefully. Tears and self-doubt have been my go-to, and grieving the life I leave behind has been all-consuming.

Last moments at Heritage... My second Chicago Home.

BFF4L

Scraps of Lily Life found whilst moving

The lesson learned for Miss. Independent over here is that nothing is meant to be done alone. Within the first week of living in SD, all the Change conquered my soul and seemed to beat me up beyond repair. It felt like every decision was in some way Wrong and my whole being unraveled in a pool of unstoppable tears.

Early Morning send-off before I hit the road

Albert the Elephant as my companion before meeting up with Kate/Jordan
to drive Chicago --> Denver

My sweet momma bore the burden for me with all my tear-filled phone calls, and graciously rushed to my side with a last-minute plane ticket to be my second set of hands. She worked sun-up to sun-down to pin up bulletin boards, arrange letters, cut-out laminated birthday banners and tooth charts, make Ikea runs and tire around the clock to make my Home a Home. She lit up my life with a spark that brought energy to my loneliness and rejuvenation to my spirit. Her can-do attitude allowed me to see Possibility in the bleakness and she rescued a heart that felt buried in an anxious sea of fear.

All the Arches at Zion National Park

Bryce Canyon

The Bellagio
Vegas, baby!

My New Home - Studio by the Sea - is a place of refuge, rest, peace, and safety. When I awake each day, the streams of light flow through the windows to remind me this is a place of Light. As I teach my first graders about building our house on the rock - our God, our firm foundation - I am reminded that my studio home must be founded on the Word of God in order to grow.

Birthday Brunch with Mikey!
Candle in my biscuit :) 

Sibsteins of the Road trip

Mumford with these guys - the best.

I set my heart on these verses and declare them over my new space:

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deut. 31:6)

"But the Lord has become my stronghold, and my God the rock of my refuge." (Psalm 94:22)

"Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place - the Most High, who is my refuge - no evil shall be allowed to befall you, no plague come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." (Psalm 91:9-12)

"For God is not a God of confusion but of peace." (1 Cor 14:33)

He is here with me and it is my desire to seek Him in the loneliness, fear, and worry about my future. He is here. He bids me Come and Rest.

Studio by the Sea

Some of the Reasons

Ever since winter, the thought has floated through my head to move out to California... I am in a season of transition from finishing graduate school to looking for a job, and it seemed as though if I was looking for a job, I should look out in San Diego where the sun shines brightly through those dark winter months, the ocean becomes a way of life, and each day feels relaxed & easy. After living in our sweet Lily home for five years, my soul longed for change in the most drastic sense. California called my name, so I packed up and followed. It was only three weeks ago that I was offered a teaching position at Tri-City Christian outside of San Diego, and in these past weeks it has felt like I am watching myself live a different life. When I initially drove out here, it felt like an adventure towards vacation, but now the inevitable return to reality sets in - and fear & doubt take over. This all happened so fast - was it the right choice? Did I really listen to God and move forward according to His plan for my life? Is this where He has me this year (or should I quit...)...?

I know that God works in & through ALL things - so in that sense, right and wrong drift to the background and glorifying Him in everything becomes the drive for all I do. Even through my commute from San Diego to Vista, even through the early mornings and the children calling my name every second, even through the continual lesson plans and the figuring out of the simplest things (grocery shopping... mailing... finding the highway...) God is here with me. He is present and He has something for me. He doesn't lead then leave, He doesn't affirm then abandon - He walks with us in all we do.

Today, I am praying for peace to overcome the anxiety. I am praying for His hope to be set in my heart so that I long for more of Him. I pray that when Here doesn't feel like home, that HE would be my Home.

[photos coming soon!]

In All the Change

My life is happening at a pace right now that I can barely keep up with - it feels like I'm swimming underwater at sea level and air is unattainable. Selling everything, packing & moving, roadtripping across the country, turning 29, signing a lease, moving into my own studio apt... Even one of these isolated events would bring a shift in thought and feeling - but all these combined brings waves of chaos. Even when change feels right, it brings its own set of challenge causing fear & doubt to rise to the surface. Was this the right decision? Is this where God wants to grow me? Is it wrong when it feels hard? The questions plague me with indecision that freezes me in even the smallest ways. (For example: Where is the nearest Post Office?! brought on a total and complete crying meltdown...)

As I write, I can hardly articulate the myriad of thoughts provoked by this new change. I guess this is why I pursue change to begin with... it brings me out of the routine of comfort to a place where emotions are charged and wondering/guessing/asking becomes the norm. I gravitate towards this and look forward to a moment where I can be still, breathe, and ask God to connect my heart to His. For today, I am stealing these last two minutes before my first day of work... I do not know what this year will bring or where it will lead... My fearful side tells me it will be useless, but my heart tells me that it will be full.

In all these things, I trust that God is Sovereign, leads my every step, and works all things together for HIS good.

Over and over and over again it is true.

Decisions & Change

While I would like to consider myself the type of person who awaits the next adventure with a readiness to launch into change and accept it at face value, I am not that person. Yes - I am drawn to all the curiosities and moments to learn about life - but am equally planned out, approaching decisions bathed in thought and prayer. Especially decisions that involve a sense of closure to a chapter that has felt so rich with community, family, and adventure. I am in the process of striving so hard to keep it alive, holding on to every last bit just to avoid the inevitable goodbye. 

I cling so that I don't have to let go.

As I headed to the airport today, morning light flooded our Lily Kitchen.
This room houses all the life chats of dreams and questions about our future.
It is the spot of date night recaps and sleepy coffee pours and chalkboard resolutions.
It houses so much; and so much more than can ever be seen.

Even though my soul has restlessly desired change for the past year, when it comes to seizing it by the horns and jumping in, I respond in hesitancy. To be honest, the jump terrifies me - it paralyzes my ability to assume any direction. The jump holds all the fears and questions; it wrestles with my human fear of failure with a resounding discord of leaving that which is comfortable. I want change because I believe it is only through change that we are transformed. If I allow my fear to hold me in the Home of the shire, I will never experience the challenge that awaits for my own refinement. It is only in going through the unknown with brutal trust and divine faith that I can be my most authentic self and pursue the wholehearted life I so desire.

Thankful for time in the sky to reflect and write all the wonderings.

I don't want indecision to have a controlling freeze on my life. So in an attempt to posit motion into my life and force myself to choose a direction, I cleaned out my closets this week and packed up. I believe in faith He will make it so clear where these bags will end up. For now, the destination is unknown - but I do believe He is at work... taking me somewhere on a journey that remains to be seen. 

Just because it is invisible doesn't mean it doesn't exist. 

This weekend with Mikey and Jill is carrying me through... I love these guys!!!

As I fly out to San Diego today on an exploratory could-I-live-here? trip, I remember the wise words of my good friend Todd. Often we assume change to be permanent - that we are making a decision for the rest of our life that will affect everything we do and everyone we come in contact with. In truth, change can be temporary. It can be For Now. It can be a transition that leads us to whatever is next. I desire to make the change that answers the cries of my heart Today - I cannot predict the Forever and it is overwhelming to think of one single decision in life that way. In seeking God, there is no possible way to make a wrong choice; He works through everything and molds us to be more like Him in the process. He holds the details; the anxieties I work within myself are ones He has already figured out. Ruthless trust is my prayer; a heart to know Him more intimately is my desire. If it happens to be an uncomfortable process, I do not want to run from it out of fear. I choose faith and choose to run with Him wherever He takes me today.

Standing amidst a community of friends watching 360 degrees of fireworks in the city
is all my summer dreams come true.

Today, San Diego for interviews. By the end of this week, more defined clarity in next steps. He has it and sees it all... I can only step through the doors He opens.

Things to be Learned

Morning hours had dawned, fresh with the aroma of coffee and familiar scent of library books idling on the wooden back of my vintage Schwinn. Perusing the library with intentional convention, I migrated between opportunities for window sitting and happened upon the most ideal spot. The light, the green, the street... perfection. As I moved towards it, I hesitantly turned away when I realized it was neighbors to a puzzle, one that invited people [read: strangers], soliciting an offer for others to be in quest of colored pieces fitting into jagged corners... the mixing and matching of lines and space is a world from which I remain far-removed. Unlike my family, I am ambivalent towards puzzles, lacking the patience or perhaps the process it takes to sit before an unseen picture; tactile motion descending into larger and useless decor.

I moved closer and words became legible: "Help complete the puzzle. Add a piece or two and watch it come together."

A lesson for the puzzlers is a lesson for the thesis. Bit by bit, step by step, little by little. It seems so large, so impossible - but yet again, the signage called me back - "add a piece or two and watch it come together..." a piece here and a piece there... the larger picture comes into focus.

Perhaps this is exactly where I am supposed to sit.

Gratitude: for lessons in unexpected places, for moments in which God speaks, for his grace that provides the will to move forward in courage.

Everything is Okay in Summer

Warm air floats over beams of light extending from buildings to the lake, reflecting on the harbor and glistening on pedals of bikes resting right beside us.

I am convinced there is nothing more magical than Chicago in the summer.

Okay, so summer was a little slow goin... as always.
But we always take advantage of temps above 50!

With summer, all wrongs are reconciled, all forgiveness is given for torturing our souls during those cold endless months; my heart returns to this city and forgets the hovering gloom of five months.

Summer is for blueberry pie.

... and picnics.

Saturdays are booked with lakefront volleyball closely resembling college spring break, Fridays are for projecting movies in our yard as we grill with friends, Thursdays we picnic in Wicker Park as we watch Robin Williams throwbacks, and Mondays we relax to the tunes of Music Monday in Mill Park. Home feels here and I believe Chicago Summer is the true shadow of heaven on earth.

When Daniel is in town, the people gather around.
Summer is not the same here without him!

Even if these warm temps are short-lived, I am so thankful for how they fill us up just enough to start the cycle of seasons all over again.