Life feels fragile in a way because I know it is fleeting. Each morning is a reminder of the passage of time, as Jack grows another size and all my biases confirm that he just keeps getting cuter. The days and the weekends feel beautiful in their simplicity - morning giggles from Jack in between bleary-eyed coffee pours; the feeling of contentment at a day's end as the sun casts orange and purple hues scattered across canyon cliffs; Jack's sweet bathtime & bedtime moments - watching him fall asleep on the monitor as Ben and I soak in quality time with one another over a home cooked meal and a night of Netflix. Life is lived in these moments.

I will remember this season with such gratitude - every little thing Jack does seems precious in a way only a parent truly appreciates - the way he squeals with delight with the most high-pitched little noise; how he plays with my hat as if it's a toy meant just for him; his eyes growing heavy and peacefully shutting in the stroller when we go for walks; his fiery red hair receiving comments everywhere we go; his sweet cheesy smile that stretches across his face with simply one look at him; his chunky cheeks that I can't help but kiss every second of the day... It feels like this will be the rest of my life - but I know someday this little baby will be towering over me (at least if he gets his daddy's genes!) and I won't be able to snuggle him close and protect him from the world. In those days I will be getting a lot more sleep and perhaps a bit of time to myself - but I will look back and miss these day, realizing every sleepless night meant that I got to spend the day with my little baby boy, who is only a baby once.

I'm not sure how to be more present in this life; but I want to be. I want to show up with my full self to every moment and hold it in my hands with such a grip that it never leaves. I want to seek the adventure that is right in front of me; this adventure of becoming a mom, growing as a wife, and entering into a season with our little family. It is a gift.

Do you ever consider how many different lifes you could have over the trajectory of your lifetime? If you had said Yes to that one thing, or No to that other thing; if you moved to that place or had stayed in that place; if you hadn't run out the door later than normal and happened to run into that one person... life could take on so many forms. And the reality is, even when you are settled into the life you most presently lead, it could still take shape into something completely different.

I just finished Michelle Obama's book (and yes, if I could meet one person in the world it would have to be her!) A quote of hers that showed up in my underlines and has stood out to me over and over again resonates with the mysterious unfolding of life:

"For me, becoming isn't about arriving somewhere or achieving a certain aim. I see it instead as forward motion, a means of evolving, a way to reach continuously toward a better self. The journey doesn't end" (Obama, 419).

That's the key: the journey doesn't end. If anyone's life reflects that truth, it's hers. As an African American girl growing up on the Southside of Chicago in the 80's, she never would've predicted that her name would someday be known worldwide. I think about this for my life and the story I'm writing with it. I think about how I get stuck in an identity: Teacher, Wife, Mother... and I wonder sometimes what more there could be?! I get stuck on a path because I forget I can veer. I forget about the underlying skills and gifts that surface in those roles - the ones that could perhaps be stretched to other iterations of my identity.

I have a dream that is in the beginning stages of being birthed. It is all a series of thoughts and daydreams right now - ones that I talk myself in and out of because that's what I always do. My inner mantra of I can't do that; I'm not good enough; I don't have what it takes takes over and convinces me out of it. I want to take all of who I am and sum it up into something that reflects me at my core. My favorite themes prevailing: journey, exploration, discovery, growth, extraordinary in the ordinary... I want these to lead what I do next. We'll see if I ever have the courage to step out and make it happen.