Jack Benjamin Knisely

As a 7-year-old little Rebe, I eagerly anticipated the arrival of the monthly American Girl Doll catalogue. Using my own color-coded key, I circled the Felicity doll in rainbow jelly roll pens and begged my parents to somehow allow me to have her. I dreamt of her, read about her, hoped for her, and did extra chores in effort to save my allowance for her someday. Christmas Eve 1993, my Papa surprised me with a box I knew could only contain one item. In a flurry of surprise and joy, I flung open the lid to find those Felicity green eyes staring back at me. I held her all night long, whispering in her ear the adventures we would take together. That night, I constructed a tiny bassinet next to my bed and awoke every hour just to make sure she was still there, staring at her with a giant smile on my face. I couldn't believe she was here and she was mine.

For as long as I can remember, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew-up, I responded with Mother. Motherhood is a calling God placed on my heart from the beginning, and to step into it the past few weeks has brought a whirlwind of intensity -- both the greatest joy + the greatest fear.

It's hard to find words to accurately describe this past month... There was Life Before Jack and suddenly there is Life With Jack; life feels the same and yet completely different. My mind traces back and it feels like a vacuum of time; a blur of foreign emotions outpouring into this little human. An unconditional love that runs deep; an explosion of entirely new experiences that come with birthing a life into the world. The first few nights spent in the hospital, I found myself awake in thoughts and feelings spanning the spectrum of excitement, wonder, fear, guilt; hope, anticipation, empowerment, and a flashback to that similar feeling on Christmas 1993, looking next to my bed with a beaming smile knowing he was Ours Forever. The reality of the most wonderful gift right in front of me, which was now our job to sustain and protect; to teach and to grow.

We waited and waited for his arrival - 2 weeks and 1 day post-due-date. All the while, I wrestled with my adequacy as a Momma. Despite following the "natural induction" recommendations of Google - eating 6 dates a day, drinking copious amounts of red raspberry leaf tea, bouncing on the birth ball, getting adjusted at the chiropractor, and going for extended, rigorous walks - it did not seem to have any known effect on the coming of Baby Boy. Ben and I lived each day as "the last day of Just Us" - for two weeks. We beached, biked, and brunched; morning sleep-in's melted into early evening porch cocktails, the slow summer days layering thick before his arrival. We made three trips to Costco stocking up on hospital snacks and frozen meals with the intention of each trip being "our last trip to Costco" before he came - only to return and replenish the supply. We visited a natural doula who promised contractions with her acupressure and oils, only to find that our little guy still wasn't ready to come out yet. I dove deep into feelings of Not Good Enough and I'm Unequipped; questioning if there was something wrong with me because he wasn't here?! At a low point, I cried tears of wondering if God was playing a big joke on me - maybe there was just an oversized watermelon hanging out in there instead of a baby?! What I couldn't see then was that I was crossing over the first rite of passage into Motherhood - surrendering my plan and letting go of control. I told myself that he would come when he would come, on his own timeframe and when he was ready. But when 42 weeks hit, his eviction notice was clear... it was time to come out.

We traded our sweet, slow summer days Just Me & Benjamin for an even sweeter story that I didn't know could exist at the time.

Prior to Jack's arrival, I focused on everything we would be giving up... from sleeping in (I do love my sleep!) to our travel plans to doing whatever-we-wanted-when-we-wanted. In the moments of my deepest fear, I thought a baby would change us too much, perhaps even ruin us. Instead, what I have experienced so far is exactly the opposite. From labor to birth to bringing Jack into our home, I have witnessed the deep strength in the foundation of our marriage - our centered love for God and for what He has for us regardless of our own Plan. When I didn't think it was possible, I have fallen even more in love with Ben - a love that only grows from these moments that stand still in time. Seeing him as a father has broken and mended my heart in ways I didn't know it could. Our shared I'll-do-anything-for-you-Jack has brought a sense of teamwork, camaraderie, partnership, humor, and grace to our relationship. Only We share this magical love; Only We think this guy is perfect in every way; and Only We will fight for him the way he deserves. Parenting together will no doubt bring its obstacles, but for now it's nothing but bliss.

In spite of the tired eyes and the moments where I have no idea how to soothe his cries, I can honestly say that I have never been happier. Jack has brought a new perspective to life - he has brought a deeper understanding to the love of the Father, who would do anything for His Children, and an awe at the mystery of a child. There is nothing I wouldn't do for this little life in front of me; there is nothing I wouldn't sacrifice or give to him for his betterment and enjoyment of life. In that way, it is less of a sacrifice and more of an opportunity. The world is truly a better place with our Jack Benjamin Knisely!