The things I've learned this summer:

I really really love being a mom and have accepted this part of my Identity. It is not the entirety of who I am, but a piece of me has come alive in this calling in a way nothing else could've shaped me.

Parenting a toddler is fun and challenging - but in ways so much more enjoyable than a newborn. Maybe I wasn't made for newborn life... but last summer was SO hard. The adjustment to being a mom, the lack of sleep, the postpartum hormones, the newborn that can't wear sunscreen, the labor recovery, the thought of not returning to work, the new rhythm, the loneliness, the constant questioning if I was equipped, the breastfeeding, the screamy cries lasting for hours, the nighttime swaddling and rocking and feeding, the claustrophobic sense of being with a tiny human and no adults all day, the homesickness, the paralyzing "should's" from everyone, the sleep training, the EVERYTHING. In ways, if I could have another child and skip the newborn phase, I probably would. Or at least cancel out the first 3 months??? I am incredibly thankful for this summer with Jack. For pool days and library storytimes and park strolls, and beach evenings with a picnic and chasing seagulls and Daddy. This summer with a toddler in tow has been magical!

It's okay not to travel. In the past, it has felt like we would have a trip at least every month. This year, we slowed down a bit - a little due to focusing our funds and energy into yard-making, but also because it is no longer too relaxing to travel with an active child. We have done day trips here and there to give us our fix, but nothing too long or far away. And it opened up the opportunity for us to truly enjoy the beauty and settle into the simplicity of SD life.

I can live anywhere when I have friends. I used to take Jack on walks around the neighborhood and pray that God would give me just one friend. I'm not asking for too much over here, just one - I would tell Him. He knows the desires of my heart and has given me not one but TWO of my best mom friends here in Clairemont. Walking over to the Busches for a Sunday hang of hot dogs and beers last night made me feel that much more connected and grateful. It doesn't matter where you live as long as there is community.

Ben makes it possible for me to thrive. Parenting is such a game of teamwork. We need communication and support and to love one another in the ways that deeply speak to each other. I couldn't do each day without Ben. He taps in when I tap out. We look for ways to serve one another. We are growing in the process.

Finished is more important than perfect. It used to be difficult for me to start things if I knew it couldn't be perfect. Sometimes this led to me staying up way too late on a project and other times it led to not starting anything at all. With new time constraints and continual interruptions and a child who gets into literally everything, I don't have time to make things perfect. Whether it's cleaning the kitchen or working out or writing a card or making dinner or writing a blog post or planning for my upcoming classes, I used to tell myself that it was never enough. Do more and work harder. While I strive to do excellent work, I have learned to be honest with how much time I can devote to things. Some days a 10 minute yoga youtube is all I can do... and that's okay. 5 minutes of reading before bed is better than nothing. And sending the gift is better than waiting for the most perfect and thoughtful item to come along (then subsequently send it late...). I still really want to make family photobooks and the perfectionistic feeling is REAL. I am learning to just get it done instead of make every photo edited and flow together with the next one. I'm a work in progress in this area!

It's more work to get out of the house, but it's always worth it. Somedays it's crazy - between Jack not napping and the endless trying-to-do-it-all. But if I can plan one fun outing for us, it puts myself and Jack in a better mood. It feels more adventurous and more lifegiving. Our favorite things to do together are: Fanuel Street Park, La Jolla library, Communal Coffee (kids area), San Diego Zoo, Children's Museum, PB Tuesday Farmer's Market, Mt. Etna Street Park, Waterfront Park, Little Italy/Lofty Coffee, Mom Hangs at the Pool, Trader Joe's (yes it's an outing)... and now that school is back in session we will plan to go for walks on Mission Beach boardwalk again (otherwise it's too full of tourists!) - if/when Jack decides he likes the stroller again. Ugh.

Waking up early is always worth it, too. On the days I have gotten up before Jack, everything seems more palatable. The morning is when my brain is the most fresh, the most ready and primed for the day. I sit outside with my journal. I watch the leaves wave in the morning air. I pray. I drink coffee while it's hot. I settle into the day in a more peaceful way than a screaming toddler. This is something I aspire to make more of a habit and integrate into my daily routine.

I used to sense the deepest inspiration from urban environments and traveling, which is not my reality right now. So looking for ways to grow on a daily basis is a discipline I am always trying to lean into.

Jack in the 5pm light.

I just want to stare at this photo all day. My two best guys right here.

Pirate booty keeping Jack occupied past his naptime at the beach.

Canary yellow wallpaper and plastic and mini hot dogs in the oven. A bird singing in the corner brings life to stale air like a deflated balloon slowly blowing up to real size. A den dark and dusty filled with couches we were allowed to sit on and a firm rust carpet smelling clean but not fresh. All the other couches are reserved for Adults, covered in plastic because in my seven year-old mind, they are always moving. Butterscotch candies and those strawberry ones that had a filling nobody liked. Two movies to choose from: Ratoutoille - the singing cartoon mouse - or Fantasia - the one that scared me with the dancing brooms. Dimly lit lamps so fragile because they are made of seashells and quilted blankets pulled tight over mounds of pillows. My Grandma Audrey in an oversized moo moo, blotting sweat off her forehead before it falls between large plastic glasses frames. My Grandpa is excited to see us, but not the kind of excited that makes you feel that if you wanted to you could stay forever.

This is my memory of Grandma and Grandpa's growing up. I don't have very many more because they lived in California for half the year. This was the first time I learned the existence of California. I pictured sun and golf and old people.

I had no idea I would live here. I had no idea Palm Springs, where my Grandma and Grandpa spent those six winter months, would be a frequented getaway spot for me and my friends. I had no idea I would get married here or raise a child here. I had no idea I would have a home here. Sometimes life tricks you in that way. You have an idea of a place you never considered living because you think you're headed in a particular direction, then you're displaced and off kilter and end up in the land that only existed in your imagination; materialized in front of you it feels different than your thoughts so much so that you're convinced it is a different place than the one you first heard about when you were seven.

And you love it with a love that you didn't know you could have for another place from which you did not originate. A piece of your heart loves it; perhaps not your whole heart. But still, you feel connected. Maybe because of the seven year old picture or maybe because you have made it Home. There is something inherently beautiful here that gives you an imagined memory of your Grandparents laughing by the pool, drinking Chardonnay by the stars, and strolling in the cool desert evening. A piece of you feels like you might have existed here before you knew it. That it's not an off-course journey traveled, but the one you were on from the beginning. Starting with those wallpapered walls and mini kitchen TV and the tiny bird chirping in the corner.

Weekend Getaway: Laguna

In most ways, Ben and I pride ourselves in being Minimalists.

We like uncrowded corners, the Essentials Only, and the things we have are the things we regularly use. Ben is, of course, better at it than I am. I thought I was completely organized until we met and I saw his pantry. We both appreciate this way of life and compliment each other in this way.

However, I realized this weekend that we are also Maximalists.

While not necessarily in the lifestyle/home way - in the moments type of way. Putting Jack to sleep in a shared hotel room is no easy task. While I sat outside listening to him scream, pacing the hallway with the monitor, wondering if everyone hated us, Ben walked five blocks to the grocery store to pick-up sea salt dark chocolate + wine so that we could enjoy our after-bedtime time by the pool with optimistic hopes of sleep for our Jack. While on the way back from a day packed with a surf, run, on-the-go naps (Jack literally fell asleep in Ben's arms as we walked to breakfast!), pool, and packing up, we had a window of time before dinner. Ben suggested we stop by the Safari Park and I'm so glad he did. Even though Jack's hat mysteriously got lost within the first five minutes of walking through the entrance (not sure how he managed to throw it so far?!) we had the park to ourselves. The lions looked right at us and the gorillas made us laugh. It took a bit of standing under the water misters in the 88 degree temps combined with Raffi on youtube for Jack to make it through - but we powered up and did it. And even when we're tired or Jack doesn't nap or we only have a little bit of time, what I continually realize is that it's ALWAYS worth it. These memories and times together as a little family of three are so sacred. I recognize it won't always be this way and I want to be present to it all - in the busyness, sleep deprivation, baby-luggage chaos, being together is the whole purpose.

Jack asleep in Ben's arms on the walk to breakfast

Our little fam!

Always an early morning in a shared hotel room! Surf/Run to start the day

My surfer man

Jack loves the pool and so does Ben

Anything cuter than a pool babe?!

Love starting family traditions with these guys

Photo from our room balcony. And Jack's little face... Can't get enough!

3-3

I want to capture the likeness of thirty-three so far. It has only been 48 hours, but let's be honest - I've been feeling 33 for a lot longer.

When I think about this age, a few words come to mind. Thirty-three is full. It is full of time with Jack, which means scrambled eggs on the floor, a destructive path everywhere he goes, a constant figuring out of toddler brain, a steady stream of iced coffees, frustrated moments of he-won't-nap-and-I-might-go-insane, but lots of giggles and laughter and playing and nakey time, and cuteness in-between. I am thankful for our journey together this past year. Since Jack was only 3 weeks old on my birthday last year, it seems he spent his first year with my new year. In this way, I can't separate this past year from Jack. It has been sleeping schedules and swaddling and googling things at 2am; finding all the kid-friendly hot spots in San Diego, Mom Hangs and Mom Groups (and Mom Group dropouts...), and new Mom Friends and Mom Marco Polos from afar.

This year I essentially learned how to be a mom. I didn't love it the first 6 months. I desperately missed time with Ben where I felt fully alive, I missed the freedom to meet up with friends or go to the grocery without a little one in tow, I missed my pre-baby body, I missed long slow mornings full of coffee and pancakes and binge-watching Narcos, I missed freely wearing clothes that weren't "breastfeeding friendly" or stained in milk, and I missed traveling with Ben without adhering to naptimes and bedtimes. Mostly I missed sleep. Because without sleep, everything is clouded in a hazey foggy wonderland of feeling like you're mostly drowning but coming up for air every so often. After sleep training Jack around 4 months, he slept through the night most nights, but I was still doing a dreamfeed around 10pm (which we dropped around our anniversary at 7 months thanks to Grandma Mickey in town!) I continued to pump every single night until he turned one. And now - free from this crazy world of Baby, I have finally returned to myself. My hormones have steadied, my body feels better than ever, and I feel a new sense of stable that I didn't realize I missed so much.

Jack hasn't napped in about two weeks, but I jotted this down on my phone while taking him for a walk on my birthday:

At 33, I can honestly say that I have finally returned to myself. While there is beauty in the journey of pregnancy, newborn life, and breastfeeding over the past *almost* two years - (and I hope to be there again at some point) - I am equally thankful to be none of those things today. I step into a new year with gratitude and joy for this season - teaching 2 courses in the fall term, trips to CO, TX, IL, and JAPAN in Oct - I have so much to look forward to in this season and I want to be fully present for it all. I am on my knees thanking God for a new year!

As an enneagram three, we are slow to take pride in our own accomplishments. We are always seeking more, trying to be better, and achieving a new goal. I find myself always working towards something, because without the sense of achievement I am lost. But today I am filled with joy and a sense of awe with being a mom. I have learned new depths of selflessness this year in ways nothing else could've taught me other than Jack. He is my focus and my attention. My heart bursts with wanting the best for him. While at the same time, Ben is my ultimate priority. And with him, being a Mom is doable. He tells me when I need a pedicure, encourages me to buy a new dress or go get my hair done, regularly tells me to treat myself to a coffee, and above all - he is the reason I can stay home and give my life to our Jack Attack. He is my co-partner in it all - thank GOD. He brings out the best in me. He steps in when I just can't do it anymore. He loves me unconditionally. Life is better with Ben, and Jack has brought a new richness and intimacy that I didn't know our marriage could feel. Reading a card from Ben on my birthday brought me to tears because I realized that I never thought I would read words directed to me like what I read from Ben on my birthday. He is my distant dream materialized. I never want to forget that or take it for granted.

Full, yes. 33 is full of opportunities on the horizon and life to look forward to. Of course there is the daily "humdrum" of dishes and laundry, but in it exists God's spirit and presence with whom I yearn to connect. I believe 33 will teach me things I can't see yet and I'm here for it all.

We're all happy because I showered.

Hunky husband.

Best dinner and cocktails at Fort Oak. I want to repeat it over and over again!