I want to capture the likeness of thirty-three so far. It has only been 48 hours, but let's be honest - I've been feeling 33 for a lot longer.
When I think about this age, a few words come to mind. Thirty-three is full. It is full of time with Jack, which means scrambled eggs on the floor, a destructive path everywhere he goes, a constant figuring out of toddler brain, a steady stream of iced coffees, frustrated moments of he-won't-nap-and-I-might-go-insane, but lots of giggles and laughter and playing and nakey time, and cuteness in-between. I am thankful for our journey together this past year. Since Jack was only 3 weeks old on my birthday last year, it seems he spent his first year with my new year. In this way, I can't separate this past year from Jack. It has been sleeping schedules and swaddling and googling things at 2am; finding all the kid-friendly hot spots in San Diego, Mom Hangs and Mom Groups (and Mom Group dropouts...), and new Mom Friends and Mom Marco Polos from afar.
This year I essentially learned how to be a mom. I didn't love it the first 6 months. I desperately missed time with Ben where I felt fully alive, I missed the freedom to meet up with friends or go to the grocery without a little one in tow, I missed my pre-baby body, I missed long slow mornings full of coffee and pancakes and binge-watching Narcos, I missed freely wearing clothes that weren't "breastfeeding friendly" or stained in milk, and I missed traveling with Ben without adhering to naptimes and bedtimes. Mostly I missed sleep. Because without sleep, everything is clouded in a hazey foggy wonderland of feeling like you're mostly drowning but coming up for air every so often. After sleep training Jack around 4 months, he slept through the night most nights, but I was still doing a dreamfeed around 10pm (which we dropped around our anniversary at 7 months thanks to Grandma Mickey in town!) I continued to pump every single night until he turned one. And now - free from this crazy world of Baby, I have finally returned to myself. My hormones have steadied, my body feels better than ever, and I feel a new sense of stable that I didn't realize I missed so much.
Jack hasn't napped in about two weeks, but I jotted this down on my phone while taking him for a walk on my birthday:
At 33, I can honestly say that I have finally returned to myself. While there is beauty in the journey of pregnancy, newborn life, and breastfeeding over the past *almost* two years - (and I hope to be there again at some point) - I am equally thankful to be none of those things today. I step into a new year with gratitude and joy for this season - teaching 2 courses in the fall term, trips to CO, TX, IL, and JAPAN in Oct - I have so much to look forward to in this season and I want to be fully present for it all. I am on my knees thanking God for a new year!
As an enneagram three, we are slow to take pride in our own accomplishments. We are always seeking more, trying to be better, and achieving a new goal. I find myself always working towards something, because without the sense of achievement I am lost. But today I am filled with joy and a sense of awe with being a mom. I have learned new depths of selflessness this year in ways nothing else could've taught me other than Jack. He is my focus and my attention. My heart bursts with wanting the best for him. While at the same time, Ben is my ultimate priority. And with him, being a Mom is doable. He tells me when I need a pedicure, encourages me to buy a new dress or go get my hair done, regularly tells me to treat myself to a coffee, and above all - he is the reason I can stay home and give my life to our Jack Attack. He is my co-partner in it all - thank GOD. He brings out the best in me. He steps in when I just can't do it anymore. He loves me unconditionally. Life is better with Ben, and Jack has brought a new richness and intimacy that I didn't know our marriage could feel. Reading a card from Ben on my birthday brought me to tears because I realized that I never thought I would read words directed to me like what I read from Ben on my birthday. He is my distant dream materialized. I never want to forget that or take it for granted.
Full, yes. 33 is full of opportunities on the horizon and life to look forward to. Of course there is the daily "humdrum" of dishes and laundry, but in it exists God's spirit and presence with whom I yearn to connect. I believe 33 will teach me things I can't see yet and I'm here for it all.
When I think about this age, a few words come to mind. Thirty-three is full. It is full of time with Jack, which means scrambled eggs on the floor, a destructive path everywhere he goes, a constant figuring out of toddler brain, a steady stream of iced coffees, frustrated moments of he-won't-nap-and-I-might-go-insane, but lots of giggles and laughter and playing and nakey time, and cuteness in-between. I am thankful for our journey together this past year. Since Jack was only 3 weeks old on my birthday last year, it seems he spent his first year with my new year. In this way, I can't separate this past year from Jack. It has been sleeping schedules and swaddling and googling things at 2am; finding all the kid-friendly hot spots in San Diego, Mom Hangs and Mom Groups (and Mom Group dropouts...), and new Mom Friends and Mom Marco Polos from afar.
This year I essentially learned how to be a mom. I didn't love it the first 6 months. I desperately missed time with Ben where I felt fully alive, I missed the freedom to meet up with friends or go to the grocery without a little one in tow, I missed my pre-baby body, I missed long slow mornings full of coffee and pancakes and binge-watching Narcos, I missed freely wearing clothes that weren't "breastfeeding friendly" or stained in milk, and I missed traveling with Ben without adhering to naptimes and bedtimes. Mostly I missed sleep. Because without sleep, everything is clouded in a hazey foggy wonderland of feeling like you're mostly drowning but coming up for air every so often. After sleep training Jack around 4 months, he slept through the night most nights, but I was still doing a dreamfeed around 10pm (which we dropped around our anniversary at 7 months thanks to Grandma Mickey in town!) I continued to pump every single night until he turned one. And now - free from this crazy world of Baby, I have finally returned to myself. My hormones have steadied, my body feels better than ever, and I feel a new sense of stable that I didn't realize I missed so much.
Jack hasn't napped in about two weeks, but I jotted this down on my phone while taking him for a walk on my birthday:
At 33, I can honestly say that I have finally returned to myself. While there is beauty in the journey of pregnancy, newborn life, and breastfeeding over the past *almost* two years - (and I hope to be there again at some point) - I am equally thankful to be none of those things today. I step into a new year with gratitude and joy for this season - teaching 2 courses in the fall term, trips to CO, TX, IL, and JAPAN in Oct - I have so much to look forward to in this season and I want to be fully present for it all. I am on my knees thanking God for a new year!
As an enneagram three, we are slow to take pride in our own accomplishments. We are always seeking more, trying to be better, and achieving a new goal. I find myself always working towards something, because without the sense of achievement I am lost. But today I am filled with joy and a sense of awe with being a mom. I have learned new depths of selflessness this year in ways nothing else could've taught me other than Jack. He is my focus and my attention. My heart bursts with wanting the best for him. While at the same time, Ben is my ultimate priority. And with him, being a Mom is doable. He tells me when I need a pedicure, encourages me to buy a new dress or go get my hair done, regularly tells me to treat myself to a coffee, and above all - he is the reason I can stay home and give my life to our Jack Attack. He is my co-partner in it all - thank GOD. He brings out the best in me. He steps in when I just can't do it anymore. He loves me unconditionally. Life is better with Ben, and Jack has brought a new richness and intimacy that I didn't know our marriage could feel. Reading a card from Ben on my birthday brought me to tears because I realized that I never thought I would read words directed to me like what I read from Ben on my birthday. He is my distant dream materialized. I never want to forget that or take it for granted.
Full, yes. 33 is full of opportunities on the horizon and life to look forward to. Of course there is the daily "humdrum" of dishes and laundry, but in it exists God's spirit and presence with whom I yearn to connect. I believe 33 will teach me things I can't see yet and I'm here for it all.
 |
| We're all happy because I showered. |
 |
| Hunky husband. |
 |
| Best dinner and cocktails at Fort Oak. I want to repeat it over and over again! |
No comments:
Post a Comment