What I'm Learning

My tendency is to run from people once I get close; at that point when it starts to feel like I'm jumping off a cliff and risking the free-fall moment when our sense of fear screams at us to turn back. That moment when my insides feel exposed and tell me to flee from showing any hint of the dark and dirty corners of my heart. Revealing fears & insecurities & unhealthy patterns is not easy, it is in fact the exact vulnerability I run from, and often doubt I am capable of entering.

It has only been six weeks - but six weeks of sunsets and wine and weekend trips and concerts and cocktails and tacos and movie nights and podcasts and hikes and pizza and brunch and pool days and margaritas... Six weeks of beach walks and game nights and moonlight escapes... My fear begins to dissipate in a most unexpected way. When you know the person across from you is For You, celebrating your triumphs and pushing you towards your dreams, patiently attending to your needs and enjoying the simplicity of being by your side... Every ounce of the vulnerability suddenly seems worth it.

No matter what happens, I am thankful for this time... To grow with someone and experience the overwhelming beauty of life alongside him. There's truly  nothing like it and I would repeat these six weeks over 100+ times...

The M-F

Getting my coffee this morning, I was nothing but smiles and thank-you's. The barista cheerfully responded: "It's 6:30am and everyone's so happy. Probably because it's Friday." It's true, waking up on Friday with the weekend peeking just around the corner is one of the best ways to wake-up. And finding two new Serial episodes updated on the podcast on the way to work feels like Christmas.

Today, there's just a little extra happiness to go around.

Even though the weekend feels like such a relief, I don't feel the burden of Monday thru Friday like I used to back in Chicago. My life consisted of merely managing the weekdays - a daily pummel through the wind and cold - a fight to get to a time when life would feel easy, when getting out of bed with feet on a freezing floor wouldn't be the worst part of my day. But here, each day feels full. Breathing in the sunshine, serenaded by birds through the window as coffee brews in the morning, stepping out for a walk in the middle of the day, tilting my head up to the sun at Recess... there is life to be found in each and every moment. Sunrises awaken, sunsets bring closure. The gentle rhythm of nature allows the day to flow in a way that brings delight, enjoyment, and such obvious gratitude.

Today is Friday and I look forward to a beach day tomorrow, tacos tonight, a run in the park early tomorrow. However, next week I also look forward to after-work sunsets, happy hours, windows open, ocean pauses, and daily hugs from First Graders that seem more than abundant.

Each and every day carries a gift; filled to the brim with beauty.
And I know it's true - I couldn't be happier anywhere else but here.

Sunsets

There is nothing like beauty so obvious that you have no choice but to stop and marvel at it... Drink it in and choose to say No to whatever pressing item is on your mind. In achieving one of my New Year's resolutions - watch more sunsets - I have become addicted to watching the colors of the sky transform and organizing my evening schedule around this natural bookend to the day... the closure to the sun and invitation to the moon creates a stillness and deep rest in life I didn't know possible. This rhythm has become so much a part of me, I'm not sure what I did without it.

From the Cristo mountain in Baja this weekend :)

Mexico is underrated

When it came down to making the choice to move here from Chicago, I tossed around the question of what inspires me... and found that my answer is God's Creation. Living in a city of snow, where it is the norm to be indoors half the year, I came to understand that I lived most of my days fighting the cold shivered to the bone and uninspired by my surroundings. It is both a gift and privilege to make a choice to live differently... to fight comfort and routine and step out west into the unknown. 

Sunset Cliffs yesterday with Betsy

Although the initial change feels euphoric, what follows is simply life- laundry and groceries and cleaning and finances and questions about the future. It's true - no matter where you are, life picks up and You are still You. Even when the sunset beckons across the bay, there are lists to be completed, meals to be made, and errands to run. Creating new habits from old routines is not easy, no matter where you are. But I have found that stopping to watch the sunset brings a certain peace into my life that makes everything else doable. It brings to mind these words I read years ago "beauty can be crushing at times, can't it??" (Rob Bell).

To Be Real

There is something about living in California that has brought a return to my wonder for the beauty in the day.

The colors that paint the sky are so soft... I linger in the nostalgia of those carefree, youthful days when it seemed the miracle of pink across the sky was enough. Watching others in front of the ocean brings reminders of how finite we are, how the large world beckons us towards exploration, while fear draws us back to comfort. The push-and-pull of desire freezes me into a state of curiosity... What holds me back and how do I overcome it? Experience speaks to me like a lingering ex-boyfriend, I would rather have an idea instead of the reality. 

These reflections bring a strength in vulnerability, a power that sets me free from Who I Want To Be into Who I Am. California bids me to come and bring my full attention to the moment, come and Be: be in the swaying palms, the slower pace, the ocean tide... Be in the sand on feet, sunset walks, butterfly stomach. Be in the winter escape, the days on the beach, the strolls through Balboa. Just come, drink in this landscape and let it naturally set a rhythm for my day, let it shape my thoughts, let it help me settle into who I am. 

The question is - Can I let go and let it change me for the better? Can I step into this new way of life and simply enjoy it for now without thinking of the next? Can I pause my constant judgements about what I'm doing or where I'm headed - the placing of value on each and every decision - the doubt and worry and anxiety that happens when I look back. The tension of living between wanting to grow yet wanting to hold on is a thick tension, a pendulum swing between the extremes of being human. 

My prayer is that God would help me let go... Would He show me His Grace so that I may walk in His freedom. I want to be here, right now... I want to dig into those shadows so that I may breathe in His light. Because it is there that His plans are illuminated, and I so clearly see how He works ALL things together for Good. He does, He has, and He will. That is the truth I cling to today.

Do What You Love

Ever since graduating college, this [often overused] phrase "do what you love" has rung repeated cycles in my head... I want to be the kind of person who seeks out what I love and passionately pursues it, but I feel so defeated in my attempts to do this. It even sometimes brings a tinge of guilt into moments when I am not loving what I'm doing... and then I wonder why I am wasting my time and energy on that which I don't enjoy. Life is too short, right??? Maybe part of the problem is realizing that it is hard to make a career from what I love: travel, writing, the ocean, people, coffee, wine...

These sunsets... Can't get enough of them!

A weekend in Lake Arrowhead with our church is good for the soul

So, if I can't make a career out of these things, I need to be intentional about pursuing them outside of my 8 hour days spent with 20 high-pitched children in a four-walled classroom. Although the ocean gently laps next to me each morning on my drive to work, I rarely take the time to sit and breathe it in; to ponder at its might and rest in its stillness. Though I have coffee brewing for me in the morning, I use it with medicinal purposes, forcing the caffeine into my bloodstream in order to open my foggy eyes. One of my best friends, Betsy, has a favorite quote that often echoes for me during times like these: "How you live your day is how you live your life." If I say Yes to every opportunity to make plans with people and am so quick to rush off to the next event, then my days are spent in a hurry - and my life rushes by. I realize that I need to create space to spend time doing the things that actually replenish my soul and bring me life.

We live for our Saturday Beach Days

Unreal sunset in Mexico

I've started running in the mornings again - a daily habit I used to keep in Chicago that seemed impossible with my early school time here. But, anything is possible when you make time for it :) (even when it means a 4:45am wake-up call...) After work, I sometimes walk by the ocean, or grab a coffee and read. I want to see as many sunsets as I possibly can- a task that is doable. I am carving out moments to write more, even when I don't feel inspired. There is never the perfect time to pursue passions... there is always distractions, fear, and other plans to be made. As a teacher, I long for the summer months of freedom and constantly countdown to the three day weekends sprinkled throughout the year. But I don't want to live my life longing for the future. If I want to invite these things into my days, the time to do so is right now.

Sunrise hike on Cowles Mountain

Coffee... Coffee... More coffee please