To Be Real

There is something about living in California that has brought a return to my wonder for the beauty in the day.

The colors that paint the sky are so soft... I linger in the nostalgia of those carefree, youthful days when it seemed the miracle of pink across the sky was enough. Watching others in front of the ocean brings reminders of how finite we are, how the large world beckons us towards exploration, while fear draws us back to comfort. The push-and-pull of desire freezes me into a state of curiosity... What holds me back and how do I overcome it? Experience speaks to me like a lingering ex-boyfriend, I would rather have an idea instead of the reality. 

These reflections bring a strength in vulnerability, a power that sets me free from Who I Want To Be into Who I Am. California bids me to come and bring my full attention to the moment, come and Be: be in the swaying palms, the slower pace, the ocean tide... Be in the sand on feet, sunset walks, butterfly stomach. Be in the winter escape, the days on the beach, the strolls through Balboa. Just come, drink in this landscape and let it naturally set a rhythm for my day, let it shape my thoughts, let it help me settle into who I am. 

The question is - Can I let go and let it change me for the better? Can I step into this new way of life and simply enjoy it for now without thinking of the next? Can I pause my constant judgements about what I'm doing or where I'm headed - the placing of value on each and every decision - the doubt and worry and anxiety that happens when I look back. The tension of living between wanting to grow yet wanting to hold on is a thick tension, a pendulum swing between the extremes of being human. 

My prayer is that God would help me let go... Would He show me His Grace so that I may walk in His freedom. I want to be here, right now... I want to dig into those shadows so that I may breathe in His light. Because it is there that His plans are illuminated, and I so clearly see how He works ALL things together for Good. He does, He has, and He will. That is the truth I cling to today.