While I would like to consider myself the type of person who awaits the next adventure with a readiness to launch into change and accept it at face value, I am not that person. Yes - I am drawn to all the curiosities and moments to learn about life - but am equally planned out, approaching decisions bathed in thought and prayer. Especially decisions that involve a sense of closure to a chapter that has felt so rich with community, family, and adventure. I am in the process of striving so hard to keep it alive, holding on to every last bit just to avoid the inevitable goodbye.
I cling so that I don't have to let go.
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| As I headed to the airport today, morning light flooded our Lily Kitchen. This room houses all the life chats of dreams and questions about our future. It is the spot of date night recaps and sleepy coffee pours and chalkboard resolutions. It houses so much; and so much more than can ever be seen. |
Even though my soul has restlessly desired change for the past year, when it comes to seizing it by the horns and jumping in, I respond in hesitancy. To be honest, the jump terrifies me - it paralyzes my ability to assume any direction. The jump holds all the fears and questions; it wrestles with my human fear of failure with a resounding discord of leaving that which is comfortable. I want change because I believe it is only through change that we are transformed. If I allow my fear to hold me in the Home of the shire, I will never experience the challenge that awaits for my own refinement. It is only in going through the unknown with brutal trust and divine faith that I can be my most authentic self and pursue the wholehearted life I so desire.
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| Thankful for time in the sky to reflect and write all the wonderings. |
I don't want indecision to have a controlling freeze on my life. So in an attempt to posit motion into my life and force myself to choose a direction, I cleaned out my closets this week and packed up. I believe in faith He will make it so clear where these bags will end up. For now, the destination is unknown - but I do believe He is at work... taking me somewhere on a journey that remains to be seen.
Just because it is invisible doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
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| This weekend with Mikey and Jill is carrying me through... I love these guys!!! |
As I fly out to San Diego today on an exploratory could-I-live-here? trip, I remember the wise words of my good friend Todd. Often we assume change to be permanent - that we are making a decision for the rest of our life that will affect everything we do and everyone we come in contact with. In truth, change can be temporary. It can be For Now. It can be a transition that leads us to whatever is next. I desire to make the change that answers the cries of my heart Today - I cannot predict the Forever and it is overwhelming to think of one single decision in life that way. In seeking God, there is no possible way to make a wrong choice; He works through everything and molds us to be more like Him in the process. He holds the details; the anxieties I work within myself are ones He has already figured out. Ruthless trust is my prayer; a heart to know Him more intimately is my desire. If it happens to be an uncomfortable process, I do not want to run from it out of fear. I choose faith and choose to run with Him wherever He takes me today.
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| Standing amidst a community of friends watching 360 degrees of fireworks in the city is all my summer dreams come true. |
Today, San Diego for interviews. By the end of this week, more defined clarity in next steps. He has it and sees it all... I can only step through the doors He opens.
