I have been thinking lately about what it means to nourish my soul... to do the things that make me feel the most Me so that I don't get lost in the identity of Mom. I'm so afraid of that - of having one singular angle to life and my world revolving around the Baby... knowing only how to converse of sleep schedules and feeding struggles instead of the important things of my heart and my life.
There is something about returning to the place where I grew-up that reminds me of my core Me - sifting through pictures and memorabilia that formerly consumed my world, and feeling alien to this old way of life.
There is a season that springboarded the formation of my deeper self - one that I am most thankful for - graduate school at Wheaton. It was there that I was immersed in the world of academia on a new level - studying theology and spiritual disciplines and critically examining my rhythms of life and experiences of God. Walks through campus in every season, whether trodding through snow or shuffling in leaves, brought me to reflect on God's faithfulness in leading me to a program where I was challenged to integrate prayer into daily routines and learn solitude and rest at a local monastery. Writing my master's thesis on the spiritual discipline of pilgrimage is a topic that remains close to my heart and one that I hope to explore even further at the university level someday. I remember people asking me - so what do you do with a degree in spiritual formation? While I don't want to dismiss the integrity of the question - it's a good question - it's also a fractional way to view education. The end goal of learning is not necessarily to do anything specific, but to become - to immerse one's head and heart into that which is transformational is always a worthy investment. The topics I explored and the people I met and the discussions I engaged in changed me. My outlook on life now is holistic in the sense of breaking down the silos of "my spiritual life" and "my everyday life" - I was taught rhythms to live by and topics to wrestle with. I became the best version of myself in the program, and I have brought myself - my whole self - to the work I do now with students.
In the past four months, my world has turned upside down and sideways with a baby... not just because of the extreme exhaustion causing my words to get muddled and my brain to be tired from the constant decision-making and anxiety that perhaps I'm ill-equipped as a Mom and causing eternal turmoil in Jack's life - but also because my focus has shifted. In some ways this is positive - I am certainly less selfish and more flexible - but in other ways I have told myself I have to lay down everything that is important to me. What I have considered lately is that in the laying down of my life for my baby and my husband, I can also take time to nourish my own soul and practice the contemplative rituals that are so dear to me - lectio divina, Taize, imaginative prayer. While I can't necessarily travel to a cross-country pilgrimage in Europe at this juncture of life, I can be a pilgrim here at home, with Jack. I can immerse myself in landscape that draws me to Christ, I can marvel at the sunrise and the sunset that brings me to worship, and I can attend prayer services that provide a quiet and sacred space to experience God. After all, the saying on the Camino is that the true pilgrimage begins when you return home. The mark of transformation is when the practices and experiences of God along the route become the default way of living - I don't return to the habits that used to form my life. I break new ground and form new roads.
I have committed to finding a spiritual director here; to attending a contemplative prayer service on Wednesday nights, to writing even when my thoughts feel misconstrued and unintelligent. Because I believe these routines are life-giving and life-changing and make me the most Me. These practices keep me whole - which make me a more present Mom and a more compassionate friend and a more servant-hearted wife.
There is something about returning to the place where I grew-up that reminds me of my core Me - sifting through pictures and memorabilia that formerly consumed my world, and feeling alien to this old way of life.
There is a season that springboarded the formation of my deeper self - one that I am most thankful for - graduate school at Wheaton. It was there that I was immersed in the world of academia on a new level - studying theology and spiritual disciplines and critically examining my rhythms of life and experiences of God. Walks through campus in every season, whether trodding through snow or shuffling in leaves, brought me to reflect on God's faithfulness in leading me to a program where I was challenged to integrate prayer into daily routines and learn solitude and rest at a local monastery. Writing my master's thesis on the spiritual discipline of pilgrimage is a topic that remains close to my heart and one that I hope to explore even further at the university level someday. I remember people asking me - so what do you do with a degree in spiritual formation? While I don't want to dismiss the integrity of the question - it's a good question - it's also a fractional way to view education. The end goal of learning is not necessarily to do anything specific, but to become - to immerse one's head and heart into that which is transformational is always a worthy investment. The topics I explored and the people I met and the discussions I engaged in changed me. My outlook on life now is holistic in the sense of breaking down the silos of "my spiritual life" and "my everyday life" - I was taught rhythms to live by and topics to wrestle with. I became the best version of myself in the program, and I have brought myself - my whole self - to the work I do now with students.
In the past four months, my world has turned upside down and sideways with a baby... not just because of the extreme exhaustion causing my words to get muddled and my brain to be tired from the constant decision-making and anxiety that perhaps I'm ill-equipped as a Mom and causing eternal turmoil in Jack's life - but also because my focus has shifted. In some ways this is positive - I am certainly less selfish and more flexible - but in other ways I have told myself I have to lay down everything that is important to me. What I have considered lately is that in the laying down of my life for my baby and my husband, I can also take time to nourish my own soul and practice the contemplative rituals that are so dear to me - lectio divina, Taize, imaginative prayer. While I can't necessarily travel to a cross-country pilgrimage in Europe at this juncture of life, I can be a pilgrim here at home, with Jack. I can immerse myself in landscape that draws me to Christ, I can marvel at the sunrise and the sunset that brings me to worship, and I can attend prayer services that provide a quiet and sacred space to experience God. After all, the saying on the Camino is that the true pilgrimage begins when you return home. The mark of transformation is when the practices and experiences of God along the route become the default way of living - I don't return to the habits that used to form my life. I break new ground and form new roads.
I have committed to finding a spiritual director here; to attending a contemplative prayer service on Wednesday nights, to writing even when my thoughts feel misconstrued and unintelligent. Because I believe these routines are life-giving and life-changing and make me the most Me. These practices keep me whole - which make me a more present Mom and a more compassionate friend and a more servant-hearted wife.
