Things to be Learned

Morning hours had dawned, fresh with the aroma of coffee and familiar scent of library books idling on the wooden back of my vintage Schwinn. Perusing the library with intentional convention, I migrated between opportunities for window sitting and happened upon the most ideal spot. The light, the green, the street... perfection. As I moved towards it, I hesitantly turned away when I realized it was neighbors to a puzzle, one that invited people [read: strangers], soliciting an offer for others to be in quest of colored pieces fitting into jagged corners... the mixing and matching of lines and space is a world from which I remain far-removed. Unlike my family, I am ambivalent towards puzzles, lacking the patience or perhaps the process it takes to sit before an unseen picture; tactile motion descending into larger and useless decor.

I moved closer and words became legible: "Help complete the puzzle. Add a piece or two and watch it come together."

A lesson for the puzzlers is a lesson for the thesis. Bit by bit, step by step, little by little. It seems so large, so impossible - but yet again, the signage called me back - "add a piece or two and watch it come together..." a piece here and a piece there... the larger picture comes into focus.

Perhaps this is exactly where I am supposed to sit.

Gratitude: for lessons in unexpected places, for moments in which God speaks, for his grace that provides the will to move forward in courage.

Everything is Okay in Summer

Warm air floats over beams of light extending from buildings to the lake, reflecting on the harbor and glistening on pedals of bikes resting right beside us.

I am convinced there is nothing more magical than Chicago in the summer.

Okay, so summer was a little slow goin... as always.
But we always take advantage of temps above 50!

With summer, all wrongs are reconciled, all forgiveness is given for torturing our souls during those cold endless months; my heart returns to this city and forgets the hovering gloom of five months.

Summer is for blueberry pie.

... and picnics.

Saturdays are booked with lakefront volleyball closely resembling college spring break, Fridays are for projecting movies in our yard as we grill with friends, Thursdays we picnic in Wicker Park as we watch Robin Williams throwbacks, and Mondays we relax to the tunes of Music Monday in Mill Park. Home feels here and I believe Chicago Summer is the true shadow of heaven on earth.

When Daniel is in town, the people gather around.
Summer is not the same here without him!

Even if these warm temps are short-lived, I am so thankful for how they fill us up just enough to start the cycle of seasons all over again.

Surfacing Fears

"The fear of letting people down is one of the primary reasons people procrastinate."

 / D. Miller / Scary Close

It's not that I don't have the ability or words or experience or knowledge within me to finish a thesis... It's just that sometimes I am so paralyzed in others' conception of me that it's as though I am stuck in cement; my head is screaming at my feet to march forward, but my feet are too heavy to propel in any singular motion. Fear of failure is a crippling notion; to fail or not be the best is an insecurity lurking behind every decision. The whispers of others are a mantra in my head - "What a waste of a degree..." "She's ruining her life...." "She is unfounded with no direction...." These thoughts tap out the other more quieter truth "I'm just doing my best..." so I scramble just to prove that I am trying.

I am learning to tell the truth. Letting the threads of vulnerability string together the story of Who I Am Becoming in the face of wanting to be perceived as excellent and worth it. Miller writes: "Acting may get us the applause we want, but taking a risk on being ourselves is the only path toward true intimacy." Grieving the loss of a promised job that I had hopes of growing into is not commensurate with my identity or abilities. Lamenting is letting true emotion break through, acknowledging the existence of something beautiful and letting it go. 

What I love about children is the most transparent expression of themselves at all times.
They wear their emotions on the exterior, and it teaches me to do the same.

As I write on how we are spiritually formed through the theology of place and embodying presence, I  find myself yearning for that deep sense of wholeness in Christ. I am so deadened to living in acute awareness of Christ WITH me in all my striving and the inner narrative writing lies about not being good enough. A favorite author, Frederick Buechner writes: "What deadens us most to God’s presence within us, I think, is the inner dialogue that we are continuously engaged in with ourselves, the endless chatter of human thought. I suspect that there is nothing more crucial to true spiritual comfort . . . than being able from time to time to stop that chatter . . . ” To stop the chatter is the discipline of standing before God in gratitude for grace. I am not great, but He within me is. 

While running along the lakefront today, I stopped to stretch and noticed a scar behind my knee I forgot was there. In that moment, I was reminded that God still knew it was there even when I couldn't see it. He is acquainted with all the varying parts of me, even when I feel like I can't trust Him with the things I want most. To hold my desires in one hand and the goodness of God in the other sometimes feels unbalanced - it feels like one will surely be the victor. I return to His faithfulness - "For all I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I do not see..." (Ralph Waldo Emerson) - He is always faithful. I want to run the risk of failure and rejection and possibly feeling incredibly small in moments for a life of true connection.

Doesn't this Kinfolk dinner look like absolute magic???
A place for others to come and be themselves is an environment I am constantly reworking.
Summer dreams start here.

The Feeling of Trapped

Sometimes it seems like life isn't happening in Real Time, but instead somewhere Other, like a snowglobe shaken up as I watch the glimmer of white fall upon smiling faces living the promises of good things to come. As the sole audience member entertained by the floating sparkle, I know it is a world I will gaze into, but never join. Some days, this feels like life.

In the past six months, conversations that once launched into topics of falling in love and ring sizes and honeymoon marriage have pivoted to diapers and sleep schedules and breastfeeding. I've stood by five of my closest friends as they navigate the road of New Mom; it is a joy to see a piece of each friend surface that was previously unseen, part of their heart hidden and now given an outlet to be set free. Yes, it is a delight to watch this transformation unfold and I am grateful to stand in as Auntie for these children as I anticipate growing up with them over the years. But a sadness also incurs as I gaze into a life I have dreamt of, but perhaps was never alerted to that time being Now. It's happening all around me, but it feels I realized it too late.

Wedding'ing with my dearest Ash.

As May turned to June, I watched my dear grad friends cross a stage to receive their diploma. The relationships of my graduate school journey are composed of unlikely friendships birthed from class discussions of combined intellect + intimacy; conversation forged way to knowing one another's stories in the context of partnering with colleagues in dreams, hopes, and future. Teaching at Mosaic and paralyzed in the cold prohibited me from hitting the deadlines, which seemed to pass me by and hold me back from joining my friends on the stage.

No longer teaching with Mosaic and moving forward with an unfinished thesis and unclear direction feels completely paralyzing. Too often I assume the role of an onlooker into others' stories, instead of the participant in my own. This apartment of Home for five years has suddenly transitioned into a weight that pulls me to this city... This city of Forever Winters I now long to escape. I dream of a life that most days doesn't seem For me, as the onlooker of others.

My prayer is for deeper trust in this time knowing God is cultivating something I cannot see. I have no idea where this journey will take me - right now it feels like job application after job application - but the promise of His character is Good, even when it's hard.