Surfacing Fears

"The fear of letting people down is one of the primary reasons people procrastinate."

 / D. Miller / Scary Close

It's not that I don't have the ability or words or experience or knowledge within me to finish a thesis... It's just that sometimes I am so paralyzed in others' conception of me that it's as though I am stuck in cement; my head is screaming at my feet to march forward, but my feet are too heavy to propel in any singular motion. Fear of failure is a crippling notion; to fail or not be the best is an insecurity lurking behind every decision. The whispers of others are a mantra in my head - "What a waste of a degree..." "She's ruining her life...." "She is unfounded with no direction...." These thoughts tap out the other more quieter truth "I'm just doing my best..." so I scramble just to prove that I am trying.

I am learning to tell the truth. Letting the threads of vulnerability string together the story of Who I Am Becoming in the face of wanting to be perceived as excellent and worth it. Miller writes: "Acting may get us the applause we want, but taking a risk on being ourselves is the only path toward true intimacy." Grieving the loss of a promised job that I had hopes of growing into is not commensurate with my identity or abilities. Lamenting is letting true emotion break through, acknowledging the existence of something beautiful and letting it go. 

What I love about children is the most transparent expression of themselves at all times.
They wear their emotions on the exterior, and it teaches me to do the same.

As I write on how we are spiritually formed through the theology of place and embodying presence, I  find myself yearning for that deep sense of wholeness in Christ. I am so deadened to living in acute awareness of Christ WITH me in all my striving and the inner narrative writing lies about not being good enough. A favorite author, Frederick Buechner writes: "What deadens us most to God’s presence within us, I think, is the inner dialogue that we are continuously engaged in with ourselves, the endless chatter of human thought. I suspect that there is nothing more crucial to true spiritual comfort . . . than being able from time to time to stop that chatter . . . ” To stop the chatter is the discipline of standing before God in gratitude for grace. I am not great, but He within me is. 

While running along the lakefront today, I stopped to stretch and noticed a scar behind my knee I forgot was there. In that moment, I was reminded that God still knew it was there even when I couldn't see it. He is acquainted with all the varying parts of me, even when I feel like I can't trust Him with the things I want most. To hold my desires in one hand and the goodness of God in the other sometimes feels unbalanced - it feels like one will surely be the victor. I return to His faithfulness - "For all I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I do not see..." (Ralph Waldo Emerson) - He is always faithful. I want to run the risk of failure and rejection and possibly feeling incredibly small in moments for a life of true connection.

Doesn't this Kinfolk dinner look like absolute magic???
A place for others to come and be themselves is an environment I am constantly reworking.
Summer dreams start here.