He Will Always Be My Favorite

From Easter 2017.

MX: in Photos

Four months into marriage, a question I receive quite regularly is "How is married life?" While there are a spectrum of ways in which I could respond to this question, the thing I like most about marriage is how natural it feels to live with my best friend. All the years prior to meeting Ben and creating homes with roommates prepped me for life right here with him. In some ways, it feels that we have always lived together - but in other ways the reminder of our short-lived year-and-a-half of knowing each other reveals itself in new discoveries of Ben daily.

Life feels rooted and calm; it feels just right where it is now in our home together on Adams Ave. On Sunday, after sampling all the spreads and juices at the Farmer's Market, we purchased cheese & fruit on our bikes and headed to the park with blankets, a bottle of rosé, and cards. We lounged there as the sun faded behind the clouds, playing one-on-one Monopoly Deal, and Facetiming with Michael and Jill. The sweet summer air, the light & airy feeling of the weekend, and the togetherness connection with Ben... Everything felt perfect.

Sometimes, when times are good, a creeping fear occurs telling me to prepare for the worst because the good can't last; as if the good is merely a tease for what lies ahead. While I know life only gets better - and hardship + heartbreak is essentially how we grow to becoming fully human - I also have this desire to freeze time within the goodness of the full life and never let it go. In these moments, life feels fleeting and fast; as if the good slips through my fingers so that I am left feeling that maybe I used it all up.

When my heart settles in what lies ahead, excitement rises within me - but if I'm honest, there is also an unsettling unknowing that brings fear. The fear I wrestle with is rooted in the experiences of my past - anxiety regarding abandonment and my personal pressure to strive to be better - the false notion that happy families aren't forever because something bad looms around the corner and that good turns to worst in the blink of an eye if you're not careful. I am thankful for safe places over the years to explore these fears within counseling and mentorship, and through Ben providing a place for me to be honest about the hidden places of my heart. I am often reminded of the picture God gives us of a godly woman "clothed with dignity and strength and able to laugh at the days to come" (Proverbs 31:25). When these fears present themselves, there is always the choice to choose Truth. God's promises for me are not for comfort and an easy life; His promise is that He is always WITH me - to the end of the age. Can I trust that no matter what I walk through - beautiful or difficult - that Him with me is enough?

It is so apparent how He gives me that picture through Ben - soaking up the precious golden moments of our days together, knowing that whatever we walk through will never be too much. Ben stands beside me as my rock and my anchor, reminding me of the constancy of the God who never leaves or walks away - who never gives up on me or decides I'm too much for Him. The God who is patient, unconditionally loving, and empathetic in times of need. The God who gives these times for Ben and I to have together, building our foundation in Him and simply enjoying all the best parts of life as newlyweds...  memories of life and love and reminders to look ahead with laughter for all that is to come because no matter what, God's goodness endures. He permeates every aspect of our lives so that our souls can be at rest in Faith. He is with us. There is no fear in this kind of love; the love of God that saturates marriage; this love that I am learning to know and accept most intimately. This love for which I am the most grateful.

Summer, So Far

In the wake Instagram Stories and immediate posts to social media, I have realized that I am taking less photos now than I used to. Good thing Instagram saves all my posts or I would have no record of my memories! Here are a few from life lately as summer begins!

The Challenge to Grow

Lately, I am asking myself where am I being challenged to grow?

Sure - in my new roles as adjunct faculty teaching at PLNU, being a wife to Benjamin, trying to be a good friend from afar to those I love back in Chicago, establishing new rhythms in married life... I am required to step up to these new positions I find myself in.

But deep within, am I seeking growth in Christ? Am I living out the Gospel that He calls me to today? Who are the people I am influencing and how am I discipling God's truth?

San Diego is an amazing place to live, but it exists on the fringe of comfort and complacency. I never want to find myself in these categories - I want to live adventure and risk and freedom. I am prone to settle into routine - a battle I need to fight.

My inspiration is sourced from exploring the world around me, literature, and observations of life. This weekend, we head to Cabo and I dream of settling by the ocean with a pen and paper; some time to check-in with my dedication to seeking inspiration.

Am I living the story I want to write?!