The Picture of Family

This past weekend was all about Family Family Family (and my Papa would add to that: "... and the rest is bullshit" ;)) Starting off with late night beer & popcorn on the porch with Dad while we watched the rain, followed by coffee and pre-roadtrip donuts, then an engagement BBQ in Indiana with all the Kniselys, live music at the resort in town, French toast & coffee with Grandparents around the kitchen table, pre-marital counseling kick-off with Ben's Aunt and Uncle, finishing off with ribs & ice-cream cake back in Chicago with my side of the family, and finally taking a breath on the flight back to SD.

Even though it is hard for me to receive this much attention, we both walked away from the weekend feeling so loved. Going through Grandpa Bud and Grandma Shirley's wedding & travel albums presented such a clear picture of family in the way I hope to form someday. The rooted values, sense of adventure, and love for God is the foundation upon which the Kniselys have been built, and the underlying tone that Bud & Shirley have set for their family. This so naturally flows through the grandchildren with such respect and adoration for these sweet souls that you can't help immediately feeling like one of their own. From the way Ben has talked about his grandparents, I knew this was true, but stepping away from the weekend, I was able to get a fuller sense of how the family unit is carried on the shoulders of the ones who go before us. There is such a feeling of security, safety, and comfort in true family and I am so blessed to be gaining them as Mine.

Making a Home

Perhaps the thing I looked forward to most when stepping out of my childhood home was making a home of my own: North Russell Hall: Baylor University, 2004. Each bulletin board hanging was so specifically selected to match the hot pink duvet & pillow combo (what was I thinking?!); from the hangers in the closet to the mini-fridge magnets, my room represented Me in every way that it could and it was my safe haven from the madness of Welcome Week, Rush, and Making Friends. Moving from the dorms to my very first apartment with my best friends at B202 involved email chains all summer with design layout, paint chips, and bathroom supplies. Against landlord rules, we painted the space green, hung Christmas lights from the rafters, and drilled too many holes in the wall making room for DIY projects. Regardless of the hours of painting left in the hands of Candis and I to transform B202 back  to its original state, it was our Home together and we loved it. From B202 to Crescent Plex to our Tiny Spanish Flat to the Lily to my own Studio by the Sea, Home has been a place of best friends, community, and memories. Aside from friends and family, leaving our Lily home behind in Chicago brought the most tears and clouds of nostalgia than anything else. 

From the first step into the Idaho Casa, Ben and I knew it had to be ours. The black & white square floors reminiscent of the Lily, the closeted ironing board removing my darkest ironing fears, and the historic Spanish style buffet and fireplace bringing coziness and warmth to the spacious living area. We submitted an application at the same time as another couple, praying we could woo the landlord enough to win the place. The phone call telling us we got chosen felt like the best gift, and waking up in our home for the first time felt like Christmas morning.

Later we found out that we were chosen because of "our traditional values" – we are both committed to living separately until marriage. As much as I long to move into our home together with my best friend, I also know that this time in my own studio space is one to cherish. I always wanted to live alone before I got married, and I know this is the last slice of time for that to happen. 

Chapters turning and seasons changing is one of the best parts of life, yet also the most difficult for me. I tend to have moments of deep grief, recognizing that what I have is going to be different forever, followed by elated joy when I realize that what I’m stepping into is so much greater.

Recently we've been told by numerous couples to "remain in the process" and enjoy this time of Engagement. I know that when I look at Forever, right now is so short- I want to soak it in and enjoy. 

As we head home to Chicago/Indiana this weekend to celebrate & see family, it has already been highlighted to both of us just how lucky we are to have these people in our lives. Let the party commence!

7 Years Ago

7 years (+1 week) ago I started this blog. My hope was that it would be a place of staying in touch with Friends & Fam while I was living/teaching in the north of Spain for a year. When I trace my journey back up until this page - the one that holds a picture of me and my soon-to-be husband - it feels like a time warp. Am I not still the free-spirited recent Baylor grad setting off on a foreign adventure?! Am I not still wondering who I am and what I will become? Am I not still pouring over my identity and figuring out where I will go and what I will do?!

Over time, you don't necessarily feel yourself change. I recognize life stages, new jobs, different locations... But often I believe that who I am feels very much the same -- until I look back 7 years ago and realize that I have transformed and stepped into the truest sense of Rebecca in ways I never could've predicted.

A sense of gratitude overflows for the story God has given me. His story is better than mine, and even through the challenges, I would still choose it over and over again.

Thankful for this platform here on my little blogspot to mark those changes and celebrate growth.

The Greatest Gift

The thought in the back of my mind that maybe someday I would get married has always been just that – a thought. A mere imagining of the future, for how I would like it to be with no sign of possibility in reality. This desire seemed increasingly more impossible on every painful first date, terrible friend-zoned phone call, and hopeless online swiping. With attempts to bring encouragement, friends unceasingly set me up with their “one single friend,” telling me that “every guys leads to the next” and “it’s worth it to wait.” Having been in fourteen weddings by the age of 29 without ever having been in a relationship myself, I started to wonder if perhaps the very thing I wanted most wasn’t in fact meant for me.

I scoffed at the claim “when you know, you know,” rolling my eyes in disgust at this improbable sensation of “knowing.” The lovey-dovey couples were annoying, and the idea that you would sign-up for the rest of your life with one single person seemed absurd. What it would take for me, was a man who would patiently win over my heart one small step at a time, and who would give me the space to be my complete self. I knew that breaking down my defenses wouldn’t be easy, that accepting my insecurities would present challenge, and that learning to love somebody for exactly who they are would be scary.

When I met Benjamin, my whole world flipped. From the start, he knew what he wanted and he wasn’t going to let me go. Countless times he told me that if I ran away, he would run after me just as fast. He assured me that no part of me was too much for him, and that he would never leave me, no matter what. For the first month of our relationship, I was pretty convinced that he thought these things because he didn’t deeply know me yet. I sat him down and tried to explain my “issues,” convinced that the lingering lie would be confirmed: I was unlovable. When my diatribe was finished, he looked at me with eyes that suggested “so……?” and asked me in kindness what exactly the issue was? The second month of our relationship was an ongoing pattern of trying to figure out why he was still “all in” and what that even meant. His consistent love and patience replaced my fear, and Ben provided a space for me to be my most honest, vulnerable, and whole self. Love turned out to be a whole lot less scary than I initially thought because of this man who relentlessly pursued me and fought for my heart.

As Ben knelt before me on August 5th -- two days before I turned 30 -- at our favorite sunset spot, I said Yes to the very best man I have ever met. He’s the man I have prayed and hoped and longed for all these years… the very one I have waited for and would wait 20 more years if I knew I was getting him. He won my heart with who he is, and he has made me the happiest girl alive. It also took me a few days to recover from the element of complete shock and a foreign sense of elation I had never experienced before.

When my friends come to me now, discouraged by the dating scene and frustration with the seemingly extreme lack of options, it is my desire to bring them Hope. If God can bring me to Ben, He can do the Impossible for anyone. And in this moment, when life seems like it can’t get better, I remind myself of my Forever with Ben knowing that in five years we will love each other even more than we do now, in 20 years we will have had more adventures than we could ever have thought up, and in 40+ years we will have lived a lifetime learning how to serve one another more and more like Christ.

To me, Ben is a picture of God’s love, and perhaps that is the best part of all. God must truly love me to bring me him; He is a Father who wants to give good gifts to his children. He has surprised me in the best of ways with this one- a slight glimpse of heaven here on earth. I truly can’t wait to marry this man!