Getting Rid of the Ego

As one grows up, he or she tends to seek out the thing they are Good At. At first, one identifies this strength from family, which eventually shifts into affirmation from peers. My favorite developmental psychologist, Erik Erickson, termed the outcome of virtues in this stage Industry vs. Inferiority. If one does not find self-worth with a specific "industry," he or she starts to compare their personal abilities to other children and enters into a stage of "inferiority." As a child, I quickly detected that my gifts were not in sports or student government, rather the thing I was most consistently drawn to was academics. (Early signs of a teacher...? Guilty.) Convinced my teachers held the information of the world in their hands, I lived under the impression that if I just sat with them long enough, I could crack the codes of the universe. Over the years, I prided myself in high honors through academic achievement. I found identity through words from teachers, family, and students as I daily fought the pressure to assume this Good Student role.

... Which brings me to a pending master's and an approaching graduation date. After clocking over 80 hours this past week in a room surrounded by [close to 37] books, I pumped out a literature review that I was supposedly "working on all semester." I proudly presented this document glowing with newly acquired research to my professor, expecting his seal of approval and permission to move onto the next thesis chapter, due on Wednesday. Instead, I sat stunned reading an email of the worst academic criticism I have ever encountered. While my eyes welled with tears, they were not blurred enough to ignore the last word of the document: "Redo." My instinct told me to fight and I strung together words in defense of my writing. (Thank you Google Drafts for saving me from an email I would undoubtedly regret...)

Living the Cube Life.

... and all the books.

It has only been in the process of writing this thesis that I am learning to recognize and let go of my Ego. It is the ego that seeks out such desperate need for Approval, constantly answering to the plaguing thought of "Am I doing this right?!" While the ego is always there, I can choose not to operate under this illusion or defense system - because it is in that place that I am closed off to the refinement and challenge that is ultimately for my good, to make me a more compassionate and understanding human. I am trying to return to my Authentic Self - generous, sincere, and present; instead of being overridden by the ego - greedy, fearful, and defensive. This.is.not.easy. Especially when it comes to Identity.

What is the pressure I sense to graduate in May? I quickly jump to disappointment in myself and listen to thoughts of Failure. I start believing things like "I was never cut out for a higher degree... I'll never be accepted into a PhD program... I'm not smart... I don't deserve my professor's time..." Instead of an initial response of defense and shame, I would like to be more willing, more receiving, more attentive to constructive criticism. I am too quick to be a Know-It-All and I don't like this piece of myself. I pray that God changes me; that I find my identity in who He says I am instead of academics. Because when this happens, nothing can crumble or shake; nothing can rattle my core when I know I am deeply loved by Him. And if the Creator of the Universe calls me His, what other approval do I seek?!

This is a truth I know with my mind, but I am challenged to live out from my heart.