Anxious, lately.

Anxiety is such a monster. It's a beast that feels un-conquerable and uncontrollable. I've had my share of the short bursts of stress or anxiety... but the kind that beats you up during the day and keeps you awake during the night has been seasons few & far between. The last time I remember a period of prolonged anxiety was in 2004 when decisions with ACT scores and colleges plagued my mind (that feels forrrrever ago...) But I also knew how to manage it because it had a root; I could recognize where it came from and when it would possibly end. And it eventually did.

Lately, my struggle is with the worst kind of anxiety - the kind that is so mysteriously sneaky that I don't know where it came from or how to defeat it. It's just there, lingering in my gut and churning my stomach until the wee hours of the morning, multiplying itself with every hour shortage of sleep. How to deal with that?! Because the thing about anxiety is that you can't willingly turn it off no matter how hard you yell at it to go away. Someone once told me that anxiety is what happens when you try to control the chaos... yet nothing feels chaotic in my life right now. After all, it's winter. (See previous post.) Life is slow and pretty standard these days...

< snowy night via pinterest >

But in these moments of deep & unnamed fear, community has been put in the spotlight and revealed its essential need in my life. Community is not a contrived theory or idealistic lifestyle. It's what changed the do's&dont's of a high school student into a life-giving, faith-walking belief pointing me to the real Jesus. It's here and it's real. Being broken in front of people and coming to the end of yourself and admitting you can't do it alone just to have others hold up your arms and tell you you CAN is my lifeline right now. It comes in the form of late night conversations with Suzy or Mikey, or the constant reminders of prayers from Jenny and Betsy, or scripture from Cassie, or the handwritten notes and sweet gifts from Aimee and Ashley. These loved ones have upheld me. And it's only in those bottom-of-the-barrel moments that I no longer look at these friendships as simply another part of my life, but literally the people who sustain me as they believe for me. They have shown me the overflowing, un-denying, unconditional love of God... and in that, the peace that surpasses all understanding (Phill 4) has been my shield in this anxious battle.

Last night I slept 7 hours - the longest in awhile - after my roommates prayed for me and begged for precious sleep and peace from God. And He is faithful and granted me that much-needed rest, reminding me that friends are praying for me and battling alongside me. I know now I couldn't do it without them... and maybe a tiny part of me sees the silver lining in this dose of anxiety. It's woken me up to the beauty of these friends I live life right beside and shown me once again that I am not alone.