80 Days Away

In a time that feels saturated & scattered in focus, I return to the parts of life that bring meaning. It is easy to remain under the guise that there will be a time that’s “less busy” or more relaxing and peaceful and calm. Life carries on; life is always that: life. One of Ash’s favorite quotes has become one of my favorite quotes:- “Life! Can you blame me for causing a scene?!” It’s true. Life is a series of scenes to be had – celebrations, mourning, job transitions, moves to and from; love, loss, sorrow, glee… vacations, returns; planting, growing, rooting, nesting, leaving again… It’s true that these scenes cause chaos on the outside and we can’t control life from life; what matters is the “scene” I create in my innermost self – in my heart.

Right now, my heart feels full because I have found the love of my life, I get to plan my forever with him, and I know that we are on the brink of a new beginning together as one. But my heart also feels the holiday heaviness, nostalgia of what used to be with loved ones near and far, the creeping disappointment of people who we can’t possibly see while home, and the ever-changing Christmas traditions now that I am factoring another human into the mix. It is a time of delight, it is a time of sadness – those two dance together over and over and over and over again.

In this season of the celebration of our Savior born as a baby in a manger, I am reminded that it is in the anticipation that we find true joy. I imagine what it must have been like for a shepherd in a field or a blind man waiting to be healed– the time of waiting ushered in the utter joy felt on that very first Christmas night. It is in anticipation that we celebrate Christmas – it is the season surrounding the actual day that we thank our Savior Jesus Christ for making himself a human and coming to live amongst us.

And so, it is in the anticipation of our covenant on February 18^th that Ben and I live in fullness during this season. It is the road that leads to Santiago that becomes the tale to be told, it is not Santiago itself. While I want to wish these 80 days away and disqualify them as I gaze ahead to the long-awaited wedding day, I know that it is exactly in this season that the growth and change takes place. It is in the travel plans of friends and guest list numbers that we cultivate gratitude for the extraordinary people in our lives; it is in the ceremony liturgy and writing of our vows that we find the cry of our hearts expressed; it is in our Wednesday morning coffee dates and time spent in our workbook that we start to understand how each other are formed and how to love one another better; and day by day it is in prayers for our wedding that I remember just how truly thankful I am for my soon-to-be husband, Benjamin.

This season is the one that carries the transition into marriage, the time spent saying goodbye as I return to my studio each night and early morning meet-ups just to steal a kiss before work will soon be a memory of the past. I believe that life with Ben once we are husband and wife will be that much better because of this time of anticipation of what’s to come. Feb 18^th will be magical in so many ways, the start of a new era, but it is in this time right now that I bid goodbye to my life before so that I can fully embrace my life to come. In so many ways, it really is the sweetest time.