On Writing

"Vocation at its deepest level is, 'This is something I can't not do, for reasons I'm unable to explain to anyone else and don't fully understand myself but that are nonetheless compelling.'"

- Parker Palmer, Let Your Life Speak

My earliest memory of stating what I wanted to be when I grew-up was when I was seven years old and participated in a school-wide Young Authors contest for my story "Winifred and the Twirly Skirt." On the back cover of the book, I had written an About the Author section, with details regarding where I lived, how much I loved horses, and that when I grew-up I would be an author and a teacher. I voluntarily stayed in from Recess, perfecting my words and illustrations, whilst devouring my latest library checkout. I came home and filled the lines of journal after journal, hoping to capture and document memories to tell the stories of my life.

Writing is the thing I can't not do - if someone were to take away my pen and paper or tell me I could no longer write, I can't imagine going on living. It's who I am at the "very center of Rebecca-ness" (as my graduate professor Dan Haase would say...) and who I have always wanted to be. I have found this humble corner of the internet in this blog, as an outlet for my reflections & perceptions to carry-on with this thing I can't not do.

Lately I have a question brewing inside of me - what if there's more than this?

I know I have words inside of me waiting to take form. But every time I think about possibly writing a book, there are a million logical reasons to shut it down. What do I have to say that nobody else has already said? What unique thought do I have that hasn't already been added to this world? Why would anyone pick-up my book when they could read Henri Nouwen or Richard Rohr or Brene Brown or Shauna Niequist? What if I pour my life and time into something that goes nowhere? Do I have an audience or a platform? What would I even write about? 

Fear is both overwhelming and paralyzing; it invades my heart and overcomes my thoughts so that I settle for less and don't let myself entertain asking for more. It is easier to put it to the side and say I just can't do it. I look at the process it would take to get there and I choose to never start. If I pour so much into this thing that isn't even a thing, and it goes nowhere, that is failure. If I never try, I never have the chance to fail. 

But maybe it's more about the integrity of my life and being true to who I know myself to be? Listening to those still voices drowning in doubt and saying to them: "I see you. I hear you. I am going to make you the loudest voice I hear." Perhaps it is less about the product of a book, and more about courageously taking steps forward to make it happen? 

"Vocation comes from listening. I must listen to my life and try to understand what it is truly about -- quite apart from what I would like it to be about... I must listen to my life telling me who I am" (Parker Palmer).

If I truly listen to my life - it says: "You are a writer and the thing you were made to do is write." 

But how?