80 Days Away

In a time that feels saturated & scattered in focus, I return to the parts of life that bring meaning. It is easy to remain under the guise that there will be a time that’s “less busy” or more relaxing and peaceful and calm. Life carries on; life is always that: life. One of Ash’s favorite quotes has become one of my favorite quotes:- “Life! Can you blame me for causing a scene?!” It’s true. Life is a series of scenes to be had – celebrations, mourning, job transitions, moves to and from; love, loss, sorrow, glee… vacations, returns; planting, growing, rooting, nesting, leaving again… It’s true that these scenes cause chaos on the outside and we can’t control life from life; what matters is the “scene” I create in my innermost self – in my heart.

Right now, my heart feels full because I have found the love of my life, I get to plan my forever with him, and I know that we are on the brink of a new beginning together as one. But my heart also feels the holiday heaviness, nostalgia of what used to be with loved ones near and far, the creeping disappointment of people who we can’t possibly see while home, and the ever-changing Christmas traditions now that I am factoring another human into the mix. It is a time of delight, it is a time of sadness – those two dance together over and over and over and over again.

In this season of the celebration of our Savior born as a baby in a manger, I am reminded that it is in the anticipation that we find true joy. I imagine what it must have been like for a shepherd in a field or a blind man waiting to be healed– the time of waiting ushered in the utter joy felt on that very first Christmas night. It is in anticipation that we celebrate Christmas – it is the season surrounding the actual day that we thank our Savior Jesus Christ for making himself a human and coming to live amongst us.

And so, it is in the anticipation of our covenant on February 18^th that Ben and I live in fullness during this season. It is the road that leads to Santiago that becomes the tale to be told, it is not Santiago itself. While I want to wish these 80 days away and disqualify them as I gaze ahead to the long-awaited wedding day, I know that it is exactly in this season that the growth and change takes place. It is in the travel plans of friends and guest list numbers that we cultivate gratitude for the extraordinary people in our lives; it is in the ceremony liturgy and writing of our vows that we find the cry of our hearts expressed; it is in our Wednesday morning coffee dates and time spent in our workbook that we start to understand how each other are formed and how to love one another better; and day by day it is in prayers for our wedding that I remember just how truly thankful I am for my soon-to-be husband, Benjamin.

This season is the one that carries the transition into marriage, the time spent saying goodbye as I return to my studio each night and early morning meet-ups just to steal a kiss before work will soon be a memory of the past. I believe that life with Ben once we are husband and wife will be that much better because of this time of anticipation of what’s to come. Feb 18^th will be magical in so many ways, the start of a new era, but it is in this time right now that I bid goodbye to my life before so that I can fully embrace my life to come. In so many ways, it really is the sweetest time.

Fighting for Gratitude

This morning I was reminded of how easy it is to put on a pout, talk about stress, and carry an attitude of ungratefulness. Work emails pile on, wedding checklists are never finished (or started…), family holiday plans seem tiring, the political state of the nation brings grief… but in the midst of the burden of simply being human exists a desire to cultivate a spirit of gratitude. Sure, wedding details loom on the horizon and there’s a day-to-day sense of not doing quite enough; but at the same time, how thankful I am that I get to plan a wedding! How incredible it is that God opened a door for me to a new job! The perspective I choose right now is most important.

I am reminded of the Scripture urging us to “enter His courts with Thanksgiving” and to reflect on what this means right now, in this season. To come before God in worship means a heart of gratitude; eyes that see the abundance of what I’ve been given instead of the holes for what is lacking. This time last year, my heart was heavy with deep desire for a partner. Not just any man, but a man who would see me for who I am and choose me – a man of integrity and character and consistency – a man pursuing God in honesty and transparency. This year, I go into the holiday season knowing I have found the man of my hopes and prayers and dreams in Benjamin – he is so much more than I deserve and is truly my best teammate and my best friend. He is my greatest gift; my deepest question answered; and my life feels so complete with him by my side.

Though my job brings stress; it is not the same kind of stress I endured in the classroom. God rescued me from a place where my passions were stifled and I was scrambling to get by each day. He brought me to Point Loma, where I get to help returning college students achieve their degree (as I sit in a quiet office with a cup of coffee;)). How thankful I am for this new season and new rhythm of life!

The wedding has a date, venue, musicians, and – most importantly - my man. The rest of the details are just the frill and fun of it – the details are not the event. It is a sacred time with my Benjamin, making vows that will seal our life covenant in front of our closest family and friends… This is reason for celebration-- and the anticipation and planning that goes into this event is so so sweet.

On top of all of this, God brought me to San Diego where I daily find beauty, a slower pace of life, and a day-to-day that feels more free than ever before. How could I not be thankful to live here? San Diego is basically a slice of heaven – and I will believe that until the day of true comparison! ;)

Next week, my mom comes to town, Ben and I look forward to knocking out some more homemaking tasks, and I get a few days off work to rest (hopefully). 

This time is sweet, and being with Ben makes me smile no matter what we’re doing. I cannot wait to do our first holiday season together (we might even put a tree up this weekend!) and to continue to dream and plan for our forever. God is gracious and good; not because any of us deserve it, but because it’s who He is. Remembering that is what this time of year is all about… At the end of the day, it’s all about Him!

Back in Chicago

O’hare has been the location for my Returning Home feelings my whole life – it has seen college homesickness, international traveling nerves, friend reunion tears… it is the place I feel the energy of the city or the coming comfort of the suburbs; bustling holiday travels, Camino preparation, moving out-of-state, bringing home my boyfriend. Though there is a familiarity in the scents and the smells and the people; there is also a curiosity of which feelings will arise stepping off that plane. Chicago will always be home… but even home sometimes feels foreign in certain ways.

This trip, everything felt right about being back in Chicago (minus not having Ben with me L The worst part of all!) A dose of fall, a gathering of friends, slumber parties and baking; returning to our old spots, discovering new ones, and just plain ol’ hanging out. I’ve needed time with these girls… I’ve needed the space to be with the people who know where I’ve been and love me on the journey. I’ve craved heart chats and laughs and adventures… I realize that these days spent with my best girls seem farther and farther apart. Somewhere in the transition of weddings and babies and re-locations, the ease of seeing people after work or lazy Sundays on the couch are so infrequent… and the moments when we can all be together are memories frozen in time to be thankful for in coming years.

While a lot of the wedding still feels surreal -- it is also starting to feel more put in motion with my girlfriends’ celebrations and support. Talking bridesmaid dresses and colors and wedding dreams makes it feel less like a made-up fantasy and more like decisions that are our very own.

The best thing about this whole process is the freedom to dream about life with Benjamin. One of the pros of getting married in my 30’s is the wisdom and experience my married friends can pass along to me. Through the pieces of advice and snippets of their learning, it makes me that much more excited for life with my best friend – for the waking up and going to sleep and all the in-between passing-by moments that make life so fun. I know without a doubt that Benjamin is my person  and having him is the greatest gift of my life – not necessarily for the grandiose adventures (although we do plan to have those!), but for the day-to-day smiles and conversations and meals and cuddles that we share together. Being with my girls brought the anticipation and joy for the rest of my life with Benjamin to the surface – a life I am so excited to share with him.

I know marriage is hard work – I know it takes choosing that person everyday and committing to love them the way they need to be loved – it takes not assuming you know them, but continuing to seek him out and understand his heart. All of this is talk until it’s put in motion – and I want to remember these things. Life is about pointing each other to Christ and letting Him grow each of us into his marvelous creation – not through the lens of our own imperfections, but through the identity God has placed on each of us. Out of the many things I love about Ben, one that comes to mind is his heart to pursue truth and not settle for less than what God has for him. He challenges me to grow and to soften my heart to what Christ is doing. I know that in all things, a marriage centered on God means looking to Him instead of myself, absorbing his Truth and his Word, and serving Ben from a place of genuine joy. I am thankful for grace in the learning process, forgiveness for when I mess up,  and peace that only comes from God.

Being Engaged

I always wondered what it would feel like to be engaged… after the first week at work with by-the-minute ring distractions followed by the initial excitement of calling him fiancé – the rest is really just a question of what am I supposed to be doing right now…??! And – where do I begin?!

We took the first month to Be Engaged – having guarded ourselves (as much as we could…!) from actually talking about the wedding before we were in motion of engagement – it suddenly felt so free to talk about a When instead of an If.  Being engaged is one of the most deliberate steps we had taken to start making decisions together – and the second month of engagement bred unforeseen stress with merging two lives into one. Planning for marriage isn’t always natural or easy – we are both learning that it takes grace, selflessness and most of all – sacrifice. Instead of it being His home, it turned into Our home; instead of My future, it turns into Our future. While building a life together is perhaps the most beautiful thing you can do with someone… it is not just lovey engagement pictures and registering for fancy kitchen gadgets. It is putting in the hard work to discuss conflict and communication; expectations and attitudes. Pre-marital counseling digs up the scripts we carry from our own families, while looking ahead to how we want to form our own.

Engagement is also the most intimate I have felt with Benjamin – knowing his heart inside & out, and learning what makes him tick is what I commit my life to doing. What I know of him now is only a fraction of what I hope to know of him in coming years. Doing life right beside him is the best – and planning for a forever with him brings me more joy than I ever thought possible. We have surpassed the venue and dress and Guest List stage, and moved onto the more exciting things – like ice-cream cookie sandwich testing and cake samples… nom! Next weekend I have a shower in Chicago with my dear sister friends, and I also just purchased a skirt that is perfect for our honeymoon. Having always wondered where I would be and what I would be doing while wedding planning, there are often moments when I pause and wonder if this is really happening. Most days I feel like a little girl playing dress-up and pretend – just dreaming of my Someday and playing make-believe until it happens. The whole process is surreal in the craziest, most beautiful way – and even though I countdown the days where I am actually married to my Benjamin, I also relish in the in-between time spent planning, wishing, and anticipating being a wife. There’s nobody else I would rather do this with than him, and I am daily in awe of God’s faithfulness to give me this man I have prayed for my whole life.

It's September!

There's something about fall that brings all sorts of nostalgia... with the chillier air here in SD arises a genuine heartache for the Midwest this time of year - days of apple picking and pumpkin pie and the whole house smelling like cinnamon... New binders and fresh pencils for school, crunchy leaves and chilly noses... The change in perspective from free-spirited summer to preparation-for-winter. If I could design the best place in the world, it would be summer plus fall plus a week of winter at Christmas - maybe that place exists in heaven.

Last night, Ben and I celebrated 8 months by opening a bottle of wine in front of our very first fireplace fire and cooking the most delicious meal together. We chatted about how much we've learned about each other in the past month, and it makes my heart so deeply desire to seek him out for the rest of our lives. Growing and evolving with one another means that I don't hold him to my idea of him, but provide space to change over time. I desire to continue to know what makes Ben who he is through all the seasons of life - and never quit knowing his heart.  That is my lifelong commitment to him - one that I will undoubtedly fail at again & again - but will strive towards daily.

I will be flying back to Chicago in October for all things Wedding... and to say I am excited is an understatement! Family and best friends and time to soak in this season is what I look forward to most... and I just cannot wait.

The Picture of Family

This past weekend was all about Family Family Family (and my Papa would add to that: "... and the rest is bullshit" ;)) Starting off with late night beer & popcorn on the porch with Dad while we watched the rain, followed by coffee and pre-roadtrip donuts, then an engagement BBQ in Indiana with all the Kniselys, live music at the resort in town, French toast & coffee with Grandparents around the kitchen table, pre-marital counseling kick-off with Ben's Aunt and Uncle, finishing off with ribs & ice-cream cake back in Chicago with my side of the family, and finally taking a breath on the flight back to SD.

Even though it is hard for me to receive this much attention, we both walked away from the weekend feeling so loved. Going through Grandpa Bud and Grandma Shirley's wedding & travel albums presented such a clear picture of family in the way I hope to form someday. The rooted values, sense of adventure, and love for God is the foundation upon which the Kniselys have been built, and the underlying tone that Bud & Shirley have set for their family. This so naturally flows through the grandchildren with such respect and adoration for these sweet souls that you can't help immediately feeling like one of their own. From the way Ben has talked about his grandparents, I knew this was true, but stepping away from the weekend, I was able to get a fuller sense of how the family unit is carried on the shoulders of the ones who go before us. There is such a feeling of security, safety, and comfort in true family and I am so blessed to be gaining them as Mine.

Making a Home

Perhaps the thing I looked forward to most when stepping out of my childhood home was making a home of my own: North Russell Hall: Baylor University, 2004. Each bulletin board hanging was so specifically selected to match the hot pink duvet & pillow combo (what was I thinking?!); from the hangers in the closet to the mini-fridge magnets, my room represented Me in every way that it could and it was my safe haven from the madness of Welcome Week, Rush, and Making Friends. Moving from the dorms to my very first apartment with my best friends at B202 involved email chains all summer with design layout, paint chips, and bathroom supplies. Against landlord rules, we painted the space green, hung Christmas lights from the rafters, and drilled too many holes in the wall making room for DIY projects. Regardless of the hours of painting left in the hands of Candis and I to transform B202 back  to its original state, it was our Home together and we loved it. From B202 to Crescent Plex to our Tiny Spanish Flat to the Lily to my own Studio by the Sea, Home has been a place of best friends, community, and memories. Aside from friends and family, leaving our Lily home behind in Chicago brought the most tears and clouds of nostalgia than anything else. 

From the first step into the Idaho Casa, Ben and I knew it had to be ours. The black & white square floors reminiscent of the Lily, the closeted ironing board removing my darkest ironing fears, and the historic Spanish style buffet and fireplace bringing coziness and warmth to the spacious living area. We submitted an application at the same time as another couple, praying we could woo the landlord enough to win the place. The phone call telling us we got chosen felt like the best gift, and waking up in our home for the first time felt like Christmas morning.

Later we found out that we were chosen because of "our traditional values" – we are both committed to living separately until marriage. As much as I long to move into our home together with my best friend, I also know that this time in my own studio space is one to cherish. I always wanted to live alone before I got married, and I know this is the last slice of time for that to happen. 

Chapters turning and seasons changing is one of the best parts of life, yet also the most difficult for me. I tend to have moments of deep grief, recognizing that what I have is going to be different forever, followed by elated joy when I realize that what I’m stepping into is so much greater.

Recently we've been told by numerous couples to "remain in the process" and enjoy this time of Engagement. I know that when I look at Forever, right now is so short- I want to soak it in and enjoy. 

As we head home to Chicago/Indiana this weekend to celebrate & see family, it has already been highlighted to both of us just how lucky we are to have these people in our lives. Let the party commence!

7 Years Ago

7 years (+1 week) ago I started this blog. My hope was that it would be a place of staying in touch with Friends & Fam while I was living/teaching in the north of Spain for a year. When I trace my journey back up until this page - the one that holds a picture of me and my soon-to-be husband - it feels like a time warp. Am I not still the free-spirited recent Baylor grad setting off on a foreign adventure?! Am I not still wondering who I am and what I will become? Am I not still pouring over my identity and figuring out where I will go and what I will do?!

Over time, you don't necessarily feel yourself change. I recognize life stages, new jobs, different locations... But often I believe that who I am feels very much the same -- until I look back 7 years ago and realize that I have transformed and stepped into the truest sense of Rebecca in ways I never could've predicted.

A sense of gratitude overflows for the story God has given me. His story is better than mine, and even through the challenges, I would still choose it over and over again.

Thankful for this platform here on my little blogspot to mark those changes and celebrate growth.

The Greatest Gift

The thought in the back of my mind that maybe someday I would get married has always been just that – a thought. A mere imagining of the future, for how I would like it to be with no sign of possibility in reality. This desire seemed increasingly more impossible on every painful first date, terrible friend-zoned phone call, and hopeless online swiping. With attempts to bring encouragement, friends unceasingly set me up with their “one single friend,” telling me that “every guys leads to the next” and “it’s worth it to wait.” Having been in fourteen weddings by the age of 29 without ever having been in a relationship myself, I started to wonder if perhaps the very thing I wanted most wasn’t in fact meant for me.

I scoffed at the claim “when you know, you know,” rolling my eyes in disgust at this improbable sensation of “knowing.” The lovey-dovey couples were annoying, and the idea that you would sign-up for the rest of your life with one single person seemed absurd. What it would take for me, was a man who would patiently win over my heart one small step at a time, and who would give me the space to be my complete self. I knew that breaking down my defenses wouldn’t be easy, that accepting my insecurities would present challenge, and that learning to love somebody for exactly who they are would be scary.

When I met Benjamin, my whole world flipped. From the start, he knew what he wanted and he wasn’t going to let me go. Countless times he told me that if I ran away, he would run after me just as fast. He assured me that no part of me was too much for him, and that he would never leave me, no matter what. For the first month of our relationship, I was pretty convinced that he thought these things because he didn’t deeply know me yet. I sat him down and tried to explain my “issues,” convinced that the lingering lie would be confirmed: I was unlovable. When my diatribe was finished, he looked at me with eyes that suggested “so……?” and asked me in kindness what exactly the issue was? The second month of our relationship was an ongoing pattern of trying to figure out why he was still “all in” and what that even meant. His consistent love and patience replaced my fear, and Ben provided a space for me to be my most honest, vulnerable, and whole self. Love turned out to be a whole lot less scary than I initially thought because of this man who relentlessly pursued me and fought for my heart.

As Ben knelt before me on August 5th -- two days before I turned 30 -- at our favorite sunset spot, I said Yes to the very best man I have ever met. He’s the man I have prayed and hoped and longed for all these years… the very one I have waited for and would wait 20 more years if I knew I was getting him. He won my heart with who he is, and he has made me the happiest girl alive. It also took me a few days to recover from the element of complete shock and a foreign sense of elation I had never experienced before.

When my friends come to me now, discouraged by the dating scene and frustration with the seemingly extreme lack of options, it is my desire to bring them Hope. If God can bring me to Ben, He can do the Impossible for anyone. And in this moment, when life seems like it can’t get better, I remind myself of my Forever with Ben knowing that in five years we will love each other even more than we do now, in 20 years we will have had more adventures than we could ever have thought up, and in 40+ years we will have lived a lifetime learning how to serve one another more and more like Christ.

To me, Ben is a picture of God’s love, and perhaps that is the best part of all. God must truly love me to bring me him; He is a Father who wants to give good gifts to his children. He has surprised me in the best of ways with this one- a slight glimpse of heaven here on earth. I truly can’t wait to marry this man!

A Feeling I Know

There comes a turning point in every decision that brings change and a Freak-Out causing me to consider that perhaps I made a wrong turn. I am so intent on making the right choice, having the best options, and being the most prepared, that at the first sign of feeling scary or foreign or out of my comfort zone, it confirms every fear that I was, in fact, Wrong. 

Even in the fog and fear, I have trained my heart to take courage, my mind to adapt to new processes, and my soul to find rest in the pauses. In this position, it has been especially challenging to feel capable, confident, or remotely competent as the spreadsheets are emailed, Financial Aid numbers analyzed, and daily training using codes that sound like another language. After all, I've been teaching numbers and letters the past six years to young children... I don't know anything about unsubsidized federal loans or a student's gross budget awards for the year!

Through daily internal pep-talks of "it's okay, you're going to be okay..." combined with um, prayer... I'm telling myself that I can do this. When everything feels new, it's instinctual to shut-down and cry. I remember what it was like to take steps towards the things I always felt like I couldn't do... that feeling is familiar. I am continually learning to take the one-step-at-a-time before I extract the situation and enlarge it to this-is-the-rest-of-my-life. Nobody got to Santiago in a day - and it was the learning curve of becoming a pilgrim that felt so exhilarating. Those initial walks were blisters, and soreness, and exhaustion, until one day I started walking 25+ miles and forgot how hard it used to be.

I am reminded of the journey... and how every journey of beauty beckons one back to the Shire - the disillusioned brilliance What Used to Be- comfort, steadiness, reliability surfaces in our minds as perfection. We cling to what we know; but that is not the path I want to take... I want to see the challenge and take it on, overcome, and learn. Every opportunity offers a chance to grow - and you have to go through the Difficult to Become. Though I resist hard changes, I rest in Truth; where God calls is Good. He provides, He leads, and He knows. He does not lead to dead ends; every place leads to somewhere else. That is the walk with God I look back on in my life, and the one He has me on today. I will rely on Him because He is my strength and He has been nothing but faithful and good to me!