The other day I was asked for a general update on my life in a text of girls. I sat with a blank cursor open, figuring out where to start. What do I mention first - losing my temper getting the kids in pajamas for bed? Running on a hamster wheel around the house cleaning up after these tornado children? Scrambling to find time to get my grading done and falling in bed after the kids from sheer exhaustion? I instead found myself with the realization that life right now is lived in paradoxes - motherhood, in fact. Part of what I ended up typing was:
"I feel like my life is a series of paradoxes right now (or maybe that's just motherhood?!) - I live between wanting my kids to grow-up and wanting them too stay little; loving them with all my heart and wanting to rip my hair out; trying to stay present to pregnancy and desperately wanting it to be over. The sibling fighting is driving me insane + Ford terrible-twoing big time and I basically turn into a total bitch between 4-5pm (sorry Ben)."
And that is exactly how it is right now. I love these littles with all my heart - they make my heart burst with their cute smiles and innocent questions. When they hug eachother or say "I love you" out of nowhere, I feel like I could explode with a love I have never known. And then, a second later, I wonder who put these kids in my care and how can I hide under a rock right now and emerge at 7pm when they're asleep. Every negative thought is laden with a blanket of guilt - because YES of course I am so thankful for them, yes of course they are life's greatest gifts, but it is also this sense of personal deflation every day I am unable to feel a sense of accomplishment towards my own personal goals, hopes, dreams. Like I am wading in water that has a current against me preventing me from reaching the other side.
Prior to being a mom, I had no idea the challenge it would be. Especially with a background in child development, education; a master's in parent education and teaching teachers to teach at the collegiate level. When I lose my patience with the kids or lock myself in my room as they pound on the door, I wonder if I was made for this... am I a fraud in my own expertise in this field? What do I truly have to offer? Isn't there anyone who can teach me how to get Jack to listen to me the first time and not find myself repeating myself 20x a day to get his shoes on? But I should know how to do this innately and enjoy it, right?! What happens when the one thing you wanted more than anything in your life becomes the mountain to climb every morning without ever reaching the top?
I am learning to live in a world where the Both And statements can exist. It can be beautiful, it can be crushing. It can be the best, it can be the worst. It can be my favorite thing, it can be my least favorite thing. I can lose myself in it, I can find myself in it. They can both be true; they can both be my experience. It's okay to have a paradoxical life right now and for it all to be part of this season. The truth is, I want to spend all my time with these little humans growing-up before my eyes and at the same time I want them to be older, more independent, and just get your own food and your own milk and your own snacks all by yourself you crazy people!
So here I am, this is the snapshot of life right now. Will I want to return to this stage? Probably. Because I will remember the snuggles reading bedtime stories; the "mommy, I love when you play with me!", the public "Mommy, I want three more hugs and kisses!", the cuddles on my shoulder after naptime; the new formation of words beginning to emerge. I will remember the best parts of this season and forget all the challenges - isn't that what all moms do?! I hope it's true for me. I thought so many questions about myself would be answered when I became a mom; and in some ways that's true. With new responsibility comes a new purpose; new identity. But I am not completely fulfilled in this - I want more of an impact, more of a connection, more of an outpouring into the world. My children are the best place for this to start, but what else is there for me?! The time and space to evolve feels minimal, but I have to remind myself that space co-exists alongside my greatest teachers: my children. They are, in fact, the ones that remind me what I want and who I am even when most days it feels like they are leading me into early onset Alzheimers. God, omnipresent, Here With Us, is faithful to grow, restore, transform, redeem, use, and make whole. He ultimately does the work. Would my heart be open to the deep work that happens amidst the chaos; the heart expansion that grows in the challenge; the change in perspective that emerges with a willingness towards what the day holds. That is the daily work I am challenged to be present to, here, now.
Lovely post. I like the "both/and" part. I learned that from a friend who said he learned it from Hegel.
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