A Feeling I Know

There comes a turning point in every decision that brings change and a Freak-Out causing me to consider that perhaps I made a wrong turn. I am so intent on making the right choice, having the best options, and being the most prepared, that at the first sign of feeling scary or foreign or out of my comfort zone, it confirms every fear that I was, in fact, Wrong. 

Even in the fog and fear, I have trained my heart to take courage, my mind to adapt to new processes, and my soul to find rest in the pauses. In this position, it has been especially challenging to feel capable, confident, or remotely competent as the spreadsheets are emailed, Financial Aid numbers analyzed, and daily training using codes that sound like another language. After all, I've been teaching numbers and letters the past six years to young children... I don't know anything about unsubsidized federal loans or a student's gross budget awards for the year!

Through daily internal pep-talks of "it's okay, you're going to be okay..." combined with um, prayer... I'm telling myself that I can do this. When everything feels new, it's instinctual to shut-down and cry. I remember what it was like to take steps towards the things I always felt like I couldn't do... that feeling is familiar. I am continually learning to take the one-step-at-a-time before I extract the situation and enlarge it to this-is-the-rest-of-my-life. Nobody got to Santiago in a day - and it was the learning curve of becoming a pilgrim that felt so exhilarating. Those initial walks were blisters, and soreness, and exhaustion, until one day I started walking 25+ miles and forgot how hard it used to be.

I am reminded of the journey... and how every journey of beauty beckons one back to the Shire - the disillusioned brilliance What Used to Be- comfort, steadiness, reliability surfaces in our minds as perfection. We cling to what we know; but that is not the path I want to take... I want to see the challenge and take it on, overcome, and learn. Every opportunity offers a chance to grow - and you have to go through the Difficult to Become. Though I resist hard changes, I rest in Truth; where God calls is Good. He provides, He leads, and He knows. He does not lead to dead ends; every place leads to somewhere else. That is the walk with God I look back on in my life, and the one He has me on today. I will rely on Him because He is my strength and He has been nothing but faithful and good to me!