At some point during the last year, I came to deeply understand that teaching is not the story I want to continue to write. While so much of me is the Teacher Personality - I'm organized, positive, punctual, planned, nurturing - there is also a part of teaching that limits the lifestyle I want to live. I am the token friend who falls asleep at dinner at 8pm, sends limited email/texts during the day, and craves an hour of silence after work. And yet, even with reflecting and processing this part of myself, it was fear that allowed the questions to surface - what if I couldn't find another job? What if I hated giving up my summer? Won't life be worse if I step out of what I'm comfortable with?
The older I get, the more habits I develop - and as much as risk is invigorating, it is also terrifying. It is unknown, blind, and uncomfortable. It is flying to France and beginning a journey of 550 miles. It is packing up the car and moving across the country. It is saying yes to a man who is giving his love. Risk breeds reward, but risk also presents the possibility of failure. And if I fail, then what?!
I am plagued by the fear of being in a situation I hate and not finding a way out. This seems irrational, as I have never once been in a place of being completely trapped, yet somehow I convince myself this will happen. At the end of the school year, I willingly signed a contract for another year of teaching, knowing this wasn't what I wanted to do. God was nudging me to Trust; He was urging me to have faith He would provide something better; He consistently spoke that He is For Me - but I chose to go the avenue of security. I am reminded of what Lucy learned of Aslan "He isn't safe, but he's good." What kind of story do I want to live?!
I have watched friend after friend stay in relationships with guys that do not treat them to the standard they deserve. A third party could look in and wonder why they are staying in the relationship when it's obviously wrong?! They try to make it work, see it through, give it their best. They live in a "why not" world... Life is not presenting them another option, so why not remain in the relationship they have in front of them?! The act of living out an unhealthy relationship naturally keeps the heart from other options. We can't see that life could be so much better with someone else because our emotional energy is spent on the person we don't want to be with. There isn't anyone else available because we have cut ourselves off from the Unknown.
Living from my heart and making decisions based on what I know of myself is what it means for me to live an integrous life. In all I do, I want my heart to be present - I want to make decisions knowing it aligns with my values, passions, and desires. Staying in teaching would be like staying in a bad relationship. The act of committing myself to a job I didn't want made me unavailable to other opportunities that could be present. In some ways, I avoided the scary realization harboring within me - admitting I didn't want to teach anymore felt wrong - what is my problem that I can't make this work?! Why do I always want something better?! I allowed the fear to rise, the questions to follow, and the admission that it was Okay to settle within me. I had to quit in order to move forward. Stepping into the unknown allowed an increase in my faith. This lack of stability led me to a place where there was nothing else holding me back from pursuing other options with my whole heart.
In a series of random questions with friends, I was once asked: What do you want written on your gravestone at the end of your life? As morbid as this question might be, it also provided a focal point to the mission of my life. In an instant, I knew: She lived and loved with her whole heart. That's the center of my purpose - living fully from the depths of my heart, pursing what God has laid in front of me, and trusting in his unfailing character. I want to love Him the best I can and pour out His love into the relationships in my life. That's it.
In the faithfulness of God, He has brought me to work at Point Loma Nazarene University -- a dream of mine since the early stages of moving to San Diego. Through a series of circumstances - seeing an old Baylor friend while grabbing a last-minute coffee with Suzy, hearing about a new program at PLNU and applying on the website, connecting to the interviewer through relationships from Wheaton - I can see how He knows me more fully than I do, and I can trust Him with the most intimate, and even scary, desires of my heart.
While a part of me grieves the end of summer and a change of career and a whole new rhythm to life, tomorrow I will show up to my first day knowing that I have advocated my truth and am living out my heart in the fullest way I know how. God has called me into something new, and there is excitement in knowing I am walking through the open door He has given me. As any journey often reflects: it was never meant to be lived alone. He put Benjamin by my side as my biggest fan, a community of friends here as a constant refuge of safety, and my Studio by the Sea as a place of rest and reflection. Trusting in Him is the greatest adventure of all and one that I will fight the fear to choose over and over and over again.
The older I get, the more habits I develop - and as much as risk is invigorating, it is also terrifying. It is unknown, blind, and uncomfortable. It is flying to France and beginning a journey of 550 miles. It is packing up the car and moving across the country. It is saying yes to a man who is giving his love. Risk breeds reward, but risk also presents the possibility of failure. And if I fail, then what?!
I am plagued by the fear of being in a situation I hate and not finding a way out. This seems irrational, as I have never once been in a place of being completely trapped, yet somehow I convince myself this will happen. At the end of the school year, I willingly signed a contract for another year of teaching, knowing this wasn't what I wanted to do. God was nudging me to Trust; He was urging me to have faith He would provide something better; He consistently spoke that He is For Me - but I chose to go the avenue of security. I am reminded of what Lucy learned of Aslan "He isn't safe, but he's good." What kind of story do I want to live?!
I have watched friend after friend stay in relationships with guys that do not treat them to the standard they deserve. A third party could look in and wonder why they are staying in the relationship when it's obviously wrong?! They try to make it work, see it through, give it their best. They live in a "why not" world... Life is not presenting them another option, so why not remain in the relationship they have in front of them?! The act of living out an unhealthy relationship naturally keeps the heart from other options. We can't see that life could be so much better with someone else because our emotional energy is spent on the person we don't want to be with. There isn't anyone else available because we have cut ourselves off from the Unknown.
Living from my heart and making decisions based on what I know of myself is what it means for me to live an integrous life. In all I do, I want my heart to be present - I want to make decisions knowing it aligns with my values, passions, and desires. Staying in teaching would be like staying in a bad relationship. The act of committing myself to a job I didn't want made me unavailable to other opportunities that could be present. In some ways, I avoided the scary realization harboring within me - admitting I didn't want to teach anymore felt wrong - what is my problem that I can't make this work?! Why do I always want something better?! I allowed the fear to rise, the questions to follow, and the admission that it was Okay to settle within me. I had to quit in order to move forward. Stepping into the unknown allowed an increase in my faith. This lack of stability led me to a place where there was nothing else holding me back from pursuing other options with my whole heart.
In a series of random questions with friends, I was once asked: What do you want written on your gravestone at the end of your life? As morbid as this question might be, it also provided a focal point to the mission of my life. In an instant, I knew: She lived and loved with her whole heart. That's the center of my purpose - living fully from the depths of my heart, pursing what God has laid in front of me, and trusting in his unfailing character. I want to love Him the best I can and pour out His love into the relationships in my life. That's it.
In the faithfulness of God, He has brought me to work at Point Loma Nazarene University -- a dream of mine since the early stages of moving to San Diego. Through a series of circumstances - seeing an old Baylor friend while grabbing a last-minute coffee with Suzy, hearing about a new program at PLNU and applying on the website, connecting to the interviewer through relationships from Wheaton - I can see how He knows me more fully than I do, and I can trust Him with the most intimate, and even scary, desires of my heart.
While a part of me grieves the end of summer and a change of career and a whole new rhythm to life, tomorrow I will show up to my first day knowing that I have advocated my truth and am living out my heart in the fullest way I know how. God has called me into something new, and there is excitement in knowing I am walking through the open door He has given me. As any journey often reflects: it was never meant to be lived alone. He put Benjamin by my side as my biggest fan, a community of friends here as a constant refuge of safety, and my Studio by the Sea as a place of rest and reflection. Trusting in Him is the greatest adventure of all and one that I will fight the fear to choose over and over and over again.
I'd love to hear about the new job when you have time. I hope it goes well for you!
ReplyDeleteThanks Uncle Mark! I would love to tell you all about it :) Basically, my role is to advice students in the Adult Degree Completion program on their academic courses and financial aid at Point Loma Nazarene University! It's a HUGE learning curve - and one that is definitely daunting at times... But it's good! Thanks for reading and asking!
DeleteWhat do I notice in your words (which you express so eloquently)? Over and over there are no coincidences but God showing up again and again and again! And you keep following Him too, even when it is hard, so hard, which is the beauty of it all! Your journey is a great story! YOU have a story to tell....don't stop! I love reading what you write!
ReplyDelete