29 has been a year of change and transition; fear and doubt; heartbreak, real love, challenge and growth... it has led to a new state, a new job, another new job, and most importantly - a man who is greater than anything I could've dreamt on my own. I've traveled, celebrated, wept; wondered, questioned, and been formed.
This time last year I signed a contract to teach at Tri-City Christian, and Michael hopped in my car packed up with my life to drive through all the national parks until we finally arrived to San Diego. I celebrated my birthday of 29 amongst my best friends in CA with a surprise party and a bonfire on the beach. I moved into my studio home-- my first time ever to live alone-- and felt my heart ache with a lonely feeling foreign to anything I had known before. I doubted whether God truly had me in CA, wondered if I would ever be in a relationship, and feared I made the wrong choice. My commute in the fall was tears upon tears, crying out to God and friends and my mom and anyone else who would listen. I made silent plans to return to Chicago and re-embrace the life I had there; pick up where I left off and start back where I finished. Every weekend was turned into travel - to weddings, to fall, to friends and reunions. My dearest friend Steph came out for a weekend to encourage my heart, watch sunsets, and pray for me. I knew that by the time I turned 30 I wanted life to feel different... But I didn't see a way.
November came around and brought me a relationship that appeared to be good; it offered a glimpse at a dream and a hope that I could be loved. It quickly turned, and brought nothing but anxious thoughts, fear of the future, and an insecurity within myself that I was incapable of being good for someone else. New Years was spent with all my best friends along the shores of Mexico; I surrendered a lantern of doubt and determined 2016 would be a year of trust. My heart was broken, but God was at work. He knew every place I searched and longed and feared.
My friends rallied around me, made me laugh, and supported me joining dating apps. January 12th was the day my world changed. I didn't see it coming and I didn't know it was happening and I never could've predicted it. The best man stepped into my life; he fought through my resisting, and provided a place for me to feel safe, known, and cared for in the most tender of ways. He sought after me and appreciated me. When he looked at me, his kind eyes and gentle strength gazed right into my heart. He saw who I was on the inside and loved me. He broke down my walls and gave me a place of trust. The world was now a place of color; a sense of adventure brimmed each time we were together... He made me feel that as long as we were with one another, anything was possible. My heart, my dreams, and my passions were the very places He wanted to seek out. We fell in love over early morning coffees, Beacon's sunsets, happy hours, and walks on the beach. At 1 month we went to Mexico with his friends, at two we roadtripped home to our families, and at three he told me he loved me while flying a kite overlooking the harbor. It has now been six months - going on seven - and I am more and more amazed at this man I get to do life with than ever before. We have wine tasted in Mexico, roadtripped the coast, summited a 14er, fly fished on the Eagle, stargazed in Big Sur, picnic'ed sunset cliffs, and biked the Golden Gate Bridge. We have driven to Mexico for tacos, explored vineyards in Temecula, night biked up the ocean of Santa Barbara, and cheered for the Cubs in Chicago. In all these things, my favorite nights are the ones where we are at home -- walking to the sunset hand-in-hand, drinking a cocktail, making dinner, and dreaming about our Someday. It is in those moments that I see how my every day is transformed with Benjamin beside me. It is in the errands, laundry, around-town drives, Costco runs, and car washes that I get a glimpse of God's relentless love. He gave me the greatest man to do life alongside - a consistent, loving, sacrificing best friend - and I would do all the heartache and tears and questions that wrought my soul in this 29th year over again, if I knew Benjamin was waiting for me on the other side.
29 has been a year of the truth in Psalm 18:35: "God's gentleness has made me great." He held my hand and took me through - He provided in ways I didn't think possible - and most of all, He called me closer to Himself through giving me an earthly example of His great love. With 30 on the horizon, I feel a new sense of maturity, growth, and ownership of my journey. I feel anticipation of what's ahead met with excitement for what is now. A new decade breeds new adventures; and I can't wait to jump the hurdles, take on the roadblocks, seek the extraordinary, and write the story with Benjamin.
This time last year I signed a contract to teach at Tri-City Christian, and Michael hopped in my car packed up with my life to drive through all the national parks until we finally arrived to San Diego. I celebrated my birthday of 29 amongst my best friends in CA with a surprise party and a bonfire on the beach. I moved into my studio home-- my first time ever to live alone-- and felt my heart ache with a lonely feeling foreign to anything I had known before. I doubted whether God truly had me in CA, wondered if I would ever be in a relationship, and feared I made the wrong choice. My commute in the fall was tears upon tears, crying out to God and friends and my mom and anyone else who would listen. I made silent plans to return to Chicago and re-embrace the life I had there; pick up where I left off and start back where I finished. Every weekend was turned into travel - to weddings, to fall, to friends and reunions. My dearest friend Steph came out for a weekend to encourage my heart, watch sunsets, and pray for me. I knew that by the time I turned 30 I wanted life to feel different... But I didn't see a way.
November came around and brought me a relationship that appeared to be good; it offered a glimpse at a dream and a hope that I could be loved. It quickly turned, and brought nothing but anxious thoughts, fear of the future, and an insecurity within myself that I was incapable of being good for someone else. New Years was spent with all my best friends along the shores of Mexico; I surrendered a lantern of doubt and determined 2016 would be a year of trust. My heart was broken, but God was at work. He knew every place I searched and longed and feared.
My friends rallied around me, made me laugh, and supported me joining dating apps. January 12th was the day my world changed. I didn't see it coming and I didn't know it was happening and I never could've predicted it. The best man stepped into my life; he fought through my resisting, and provided a place for me to feel safe, known, and cared for in the most tender of ways. He sought after me and appreciated me. When he looked at me, his kind eyes and gentle strength gazed right into my heart. He saw who I was on the inside and loved me. He broke down my walls and gave me a place of trust. The world was now a place of color; a sense of adventure brimmed each time we were together... He made me feel that as long as we were with one another, anything was possible. My heart, my dreams, and my passions were the very places He wanted to seek out. We fell in love over early morning coffees, Beacon's sunsets, happy hours, and walks on the beach. At 1 month we went to Mexico with his friends, at two we roadtripped home to our families, and at three he told me he loved me while flying a kite overlooking the harbor. It has now been six months - going on seven - and I am more and more amazed at this man I get to do life with than ever before. We have wine tasted in Mexico, roadtripped the coast, summited a 14er, fly fished on the Eagle, stargazed in Big Sur, picnic'ed sunset cliffs, and biked the Golden Gate Bridge. We have driven to Mexico for tacos, explored vineyards in Temecula, night biked up the ocean of Santa Barbara, and cheered for the Cubs in Chicago. In all these things, my favorite nights are the ones where we are at home -- walking to the sunset hand-in-hand, drinking a cocktail, making dinner, and dreaming about our Someday. It is in those moments that I see how my every day is transformed with Benjamin beside me. It is in the errands, laundry, around-town drives, Costco runs, and car washes that I get a glimpse of God's relentless love. He gave me the greatest man to do life alongside - a consistent, loving, sacrificing best friend - and I would do all the heartache and tears and questions that wrought my soul in this 29th year over again, if I knew Benjamin was waiting for me on the other side.
29 has been a year of the truth in Psalm 18:35: "God's gentleness has made me great." He held my hand and took me through - He provided in ways I didn't think possible - and most of all, He called me closer to Himself through giving me an earthly example of His great love. With 30 on the horizon, I feel a new sense of maturity, growth, and ownership of my journey. I feel anticipation of what's ahead met with excitement for what is now. A new decade breeds new adventures; and I can't wait to jump the hurdles, take on the roadblocks, seek the extraordinary, and write the story with Benjamin.
AHHHHHhhhh, the beauty of love just glows from you! I can hardly read this through my tears- I'm so grateful that God brought you this special man-Ben-this perfect compliment for you! God seems to know what he's doing, right? Thank you for letting your walls come down and receiving love because you are beautiful and worth loving!
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