The Third Tri

Truth be told, I have not embraced pregnancy the way I thought I would for most of the months. Beyond battling with the thought of “our whole life is about to change…” I dread the inevitable body shifting – stretch marks, veins, extra weight, swollen feet – that come with it. I fear getting so big that I waddle or never finding a comfortable sleep position or getting up every hour to use the bathroom or not fitting into any of my old clothes ever again… I have carried so much fear in what’s to come with the idea of perhaps I won’t ever return to my “normal self,” maybe this is just who I am now.

But there is something about the third trimester… a conversion that took place; an opening up to this new season with the release of my fists and the gaze of my eyes on the beauty through the sacrifice. While the first trimester was filled with shock and slight depression and the second trimester was consumed with questions and birth anxieties, the third trimester has been defined by hope and joy-filled anticipation. Opening up cute tiny things and generous gifts at my first baby shower on Saturday made the truth of this little life and the celebration for the arrival of our guy feel real. His daily tosses and turns are met with the thought of “I can’t wait to see who you are!” while my apprehensions regarding giving birth have been replaced with a newfound strength and confidence. I was made to do this! I feel alive in my body now more than I ever have before – a sense of awe with the empowerment of the female and wonder of God’s great gift of life. I am no longer convincing myself to feel these things that I think I am “supposed” to feel – I sense a rootedness from my mind to my heart – God’s presence, His joy, and the expectancy of all to come.

I no longer hide this giant secret inside or am given the questionable looks of “did she just eat a giant burrito?” Strangers smile on the street and ask me when I’m due; they tell me how wonderful it is to have children, and willingly unfold the stories of their own births. I realize that I am not alone – I join the chorus of women who have gone before me; there is an unspoken union bonding me to those I don’t know. The mutual understanding that takes place female to female saying “I get it. I’ve been there. It’s amazing. You can do it!” I am stepping into the true blessing of it all, the gift of life, and learning to surrender it all to God in the process.

I anticipate the magic of what’s to come – even though it is unknown and scary – I don’t feel afraid of it any longer. I don’t want to undo or cancel or pretend it’s not happening. The moment this baby enters the world will be even more beautiful because of the process of his growth inside of me. Isn’t that how life is? The “goal” is never truly about the goal; it is always and forever the process of getting there. And God has had me on a unique journey tailored only for me because of how He knows my deep needs – holding my hand, gently guiding me, and teaching me to look to Him through it all.