Looking Back and Moving Forward

With the third trimester weeks seeming to fly by so fast, I have been getting more and more tears thinking of the moment Ben and I become a family of three. It seems that there are two focal moments in most women’s lives - her wedding day and the birth of her first child. Since as far back as I can remember, I have been curious about these two events – what they would look, feel, be like? In some ways I can predict what it will feel like to have a child – maybe like falling in love or the kind of heartache you feel when you care for someone even deeper than they can ever know. But in most ways, I have no idea what it will be like – that feeling of This is Our Family, this is Who We Are, We Are Now Three – and You Are The Human who has been inside me for nine months – You have been developing in there all along and now You exist in the outside world! I have always wanted to be a mom and have a family, and it feels surreal that this time is approaching so quickly.

Last night at our Community Group, I sat next to a college student as we chatted about her roommates and post-college goals and hopes for graduation. She mentioned that she has no idea what it’s like to not be a student – to be a working professional in the world “like me.” She mentioned how she wants to be mentored by people in different life stages – “older people in their 30’s.” I am the older girl in my 30’s, and yet it feels like yesterday I was sitting in her shoes… the blind 21-year-old filled with dreams of what life could look like and no idea how it would unfold. I forget that I am no longer that person. I remember looking at women in their 30’s with babies, thinking that life stage was so far away and would most likely never be near. It catches me off-guard when confronted with the reality that I am no longer who I used to be… the recent Baylor grad jetting off to Spain and wondering when my husband would come along. I have a husband and an expecting baby and now a house that we actually own… When and how did I encounter all these rare and beautiful gifts?!

In some ways I know that I will always be that girl – walking and writing her way through Spain, figuring out life in downtown Chicago, road-tripping across the country heading west – because it is what makes me who I am today and has formed my journey of transformation. In other ways, I am so deeply grateful I have shed so many layers of my old self, the fierce independence and shaming voice of perfection and rigid control of my time. Change is hard, but also so beautiful. I feel fulfilled, loved, and abundantly thankful for life exactly where it is in this moment – with all the mysteries and questions and unknowns that lie ahead. Life holds inevitable change providing an opportunity for growth as we reflect on who we are, where we come from, and where we are going.

I love moments like these, causing me to look back on the journey and recognize God’s faithfulness and very near presence. Life rolls forward and carries on; but without reflection and remembrance it is void of a deeply thankful heart. I am so different now than I used to be… and sometimes I want to cling to who I was or re-create/long for those moments when everything felt perfect. But I know that it is in moving forward – one step at a time – that life offers even richer moments of joy and contentment.

As this little guy kicks inside me, I am reminded of how God forms life and offers new mercies every morning. It is day-by-day as we seek Him that our journey of transformation happens… it is the habits we create, the people we encounter, the focus of our thoughts, the commitments of our time, the spending of our money… it is in these seemingly overlooked moments that we are formed, that this child will be shaped, and that our family culture will be developed.

When I slide back into my nostalgic-sentimental-weepy self, Ben grounds me in the reminder that “it only gets better.” His words could not be more true… and looking back on life only proves it over and over and over again.