Fear of the Unknown

I have arrived at the realization that it is not Change I fear, it is the Unknown. After a phone call from Ben yesterday regarding possible pipe malfunctioning underneath our Hubbard Home, it felt like my dreams of subway tile and wood floors were a distant faraway fantasy, unattainable and definitely costlier. The feeling of “what else is there that we don’t know about and can’t see?” slipped into my head with every circumstance - will we not have water or electricity… will we tear down a wall and have the whole house cave in? What if we are walking into a money pit that cannot be saved by paint and wood floors alone?!

And then returning to our perfect little newlywed home on Adams Ave, where the coffeeshop is on the corner and the park is a 5-minute walk away… it felt foolish that we would want to leave this life. It felt silly that we would step into a heap of unchartered territory only months before navigating even more unknowns with our first baby… I longed to return to the free feeling of a renter who can leave at any minute and not be held responsible for the breaks in plumbing.

The question of “Is this really the right decision right now?!” circled in and out of my thoughts. How do we know we are doing the right thing? Should I feel more excited and less stressed?

But when we listed out the Pros and Cons on paper (as Ben patiently sat with me, listened, and loved me through all the sobs…), it was obvious that the reasons we would choose to stay in our Idaho Home are because we know it. It’s familiar, it’s comfortable, and it’s Us right now. The reasons we fear moving are not just the pipes – but the unknowns we will encounter along the way. I doubt my capabilities and I doubt my own resilience to stand up to a mountain of tasks and achieve what I thought couldn’t be done. I want to avoid the process and arrive at the end result – stepping into a perfectly re-done home that turns from rags to riches overnight to complete the vision I saw the day I stepped into Hubbard Home. But it takes work along the way; work that will inevitably grow and strengthen us because of the Unknowns, not in spite of them.

Can I trust that God is present with us there as He is here? Do I truly know that no matter what, He will provide for us; that He is ultimately guiding our steps and writing our story?

Like our Hubbard Home, there is a lifetime in front of us filled with questions and unknowns. Entering into marriage meant saying yes to the mysteries that come our way, knowing that we are in it together as a team and at the end of the day, that is Enough. Ben and I, relying on one another, looking to Christ, knowing that His Promises are always true, good, and For Us. Yes, we are stepping into this home blind to what we will find, but isn’t that life?! While I want to cling to the predictability and routine, the better part of me knows that the journey is always worth it – its mountains and valleys transforming me and rooting my identity further into who God has made me to be.

We step into this new season with hopeful hearts; whatever we find along the way will build us, not tear us apart. It won’t always adhere to our plan or work out our way, and that is something I need to surrender. Like the rain on our wedding day, somehow God always makes what feels like The Worst Thing Ever into the most incredible gift.

It seems to be a lesson I need to learn and re-learn – and will continue to learn every day… especially in the next few months! God is humbling me and refining me; He is making me more like Him in showing me how to open my hands and ask for His guidance. It seems to be a process through which I will never fully arrive; and maybe that’s the whole point.