Am I Enough?

Ever since I can remember, the sneaky critical question of “Am I enough?” has churned in my brain. It infuses so many small and large decisions… sometimes it debilitates me and fogs my brain when I have to take a step forward or back. I doubt my capacities and fear that perhaps I am not equipped for whatever is coming in the future.

While I reflect and seek counsel and spend time in prayer, I have come to understand this voice. I sense when it’s there and I try to remember God’s truth. Lately, with this little guy growing inside me, I feel this familiar question circling back to me again. Am I giving my best right now? Am I a good wife and daughter and friend and soon-to-be mother? Am I going to be good at moving and having a baby all at once? Am I eating healthy enough food that is going to grow this child? What if I’m not? Am I ruining his life? Will I be good at this mothering thing… even before I am really a Mother? And then: What if I’m not good enough to do any of this to begin with?!

The newest song from Sleeping At Last about the Enneagram Three (The Achiever) has put so many words to my thoughts rising to the surface. In the headlong rush to achieve what I feel will make me more valuable, I often become alienated from myself so that I forget who I am – I forget my true feelings and interests and core values. I become dependent on receiving praise from others based on the values that I think will bring reward. In this process, I lose touch with myself. My “heart’s desire” is left behind in the fluster of action, achievement, and making everything I touch be successful. I forget what I want and I am unable to confidently move forward into any of it – which makes me shut down, doubt, and want to leave it all behind.

Today, God reminded me of Phil 1:6: “And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”

As I strive to be recognized, to be a higher achiever, to be appreciated as “the best” in everything I do, I remember that God is actually the one doing the work – not me. HE began the work and HE brings it to completion. It is not based on my efforts or my version of success or being good enough to be loved and accepted – He reminds me that I already am. He began the work in my life and He will continue to refine it. Also, He is with me in the process and will never lead me anywhere He won’t provide.