Reflections and Realizations

Watching so many of my friends step into wifehood shortly after graduating college in 2008, I stood on the sidelines and marveled at their naturally given marriage skills. They seemed to have innate abilities to coupon-search, meal-plan, and house-clean that I simply did not possess. They knew how to book adult vacations at resorts with rental cars and go on couples getaways. Meanwhile, I was living at home, substitute teaching at the high school I attended, and having daily identity crises in a spiral of depression answering to the question: “What do I do with my life?!” I felt worlds away from my friends who so effortlessly slipped into the newlywed life. I daydreamed about traveling the world and learning languages and hiking across Spain and perhaps writing a book… I had no idea what it meant to commit life to one other human forever. I lacked the confidence that I could ever be what I considered “wife-material.” How did they seem to possess all these inherent skills that I did not?!

10 years later, it has been with pregnancy that I sense this familiar feeling beginning to surface. Most of my friends – the ones who got married first – now have 2 or more children. I have watched as they transition into the world of motherhood –  Mom’s Groups and book clubs and playdates- they know every sleep training method in the book, every “must-have baby gear item,” and the best bottle to mimic the actual breast. They recite stages of development and know the exact consistency of food to give a child at each age. They seem to possess knowledge and qualities of being a mother that I don’t. I look to them and think – will I ever be as informed or skilled as these Moms who carry snacks at all times, diapers on demand, and back-up bottles just in case?! – These Moms who manual pump while away at work balancing job and baby and husband and life – the ones who have both their children in a routine that allows them a full night’s sleep (or at least a nap)?!

When I got married, I realized that the qualities I thought I lacked, I actually had rooted deep within me. For most of my 20’s, I compared myself to other wives, thinking I would never be Good Enough or Skilled Enough or simply… Enough for anyone. Now, almost a year into marriage, I see that the deepest desires of my heart were fulfilled in marriage – so much so that it naturally pours out into life with Benjamin. It’s not that on February 18th I suddenly knew how to do everything wife-related (or at least the “wife role” that I create in my head) – but it’s more realizing a calling I didn’t previously understand existed. It’s the feeling in the morning and at night of “I was made for this” – I was truly made to be Ben’s wife. Serving and loving and knowing him comes more naturally than I expected; being his wife is not an utterly foreign concept requiring years of study; it is a lifelong dream that I stepped into because it is the heart of who I am.

I want to remember this with motherhood. I can examine and learn and observe and try right now – I can be afraid of the unknowns and have all the questions. Sure, I have no idea what to do when my baby cries and cries – is he hungry or tired or uncomfortable or…? OF COURSE I can’t know these things right now, which is why they feel so scary. But I trust that when the time comes, motherhood will feel right. It will be innate. I will learn baby’s cues and I will learn how to help him self-soothe and I will learn how to breastfeed and all the things I can’t know quite yet. It is the next calling for my life – the next most natural role to fulfill as Mom. And just like marriage, it will be an unforeseen gift that reflects who I am at my core and desires that have not yet been fulfilled. It is only in becoming a mother that I will come to understand this side of myself. Not yet, but soon.