10/18/2017

Feeling a little off for the week with massive cravings for burritos, salt & vinegar chips, and mac ‘n cheese, I drove home at my lunch break and took a pregnancy test… just to be sure I wasn’t pregnant. Immediately, two delicate pink lines appeared, the fragile indicator of the most life-altering circumstance: positive pregnancy known within seconds. I sunk with my back to the wall onto the floor with wide eyes, suddenly realizing that the rest of our forever was about to change. I couldn’t believe it actually worked…! In my naivete, I believed it rarely happened the first time, and that it would take years to get pregnant. I wrapped up the test to give to Ben that evening, returned to work and could barely focus the rest of the day. My mind twisted and circled with questions - could it really be true that there was a life growing inside of me?!

As the day progressed, overwhelming waves of fear swept over me. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the changes that were about to ensue – and my thoughts took me down a dark road where suddenly I was living with a teenage child who hated me because I am a terrible mother. Because… hello - I don’t know how to be a Mom. And what if I never quite figure it out?!

That night, I taught my last course for the term and speeded home to an empty house. I frantically called Ben, trying to figure out where he was and begged him to come home to me. When he opened up the test, he was nothing but smiles, while I was nothing but tears. The fear I had bottled within was released in a long night of sobs. I don’t think I have ever been more terrified in my entire life. A switch turned inside of me to let loose every [rational or irrational] fear ranging from “Will we never get to travel again?!” “Are we ready for this?” “I don’t even know how to bring a baby to a grocery store!” And then the guilt for feeling such fear choked out the real emotions – after all, I know couples who try years to have children – shouldn’t I feel more joy and happiness and excitement? Does this mean I’ll dislike the baby? Why do I feel so different from everyone else who finds out they’re pregnant? Tears upon tears and the never-ending thought of: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!

My Benjamin though – the sweetest man in the world – with his patience and understanding and ongoing grace – I’m not sure how he sat with me and held me and listened to me and brought compassion to my experience of the situation. When I asked him if he felt ready for this, he replied “I know far less competent people who are fathers, so I’m pretty sure I can figure it out.” ;) Ben with his sensitivity and strength and purely logical mind. His steadiness that evens out my transitional breakdowns and his kind eyes that tell me I’m not crazy [even when I clearly am.] What would I ever do without him?! His support and love for me is something unlike anything else I have ever experienced.

The following week, I couldn’t stop crying. I woke up in the middle of the night multiple times with crippling fear and unstoppable tears. Ben would hold my hand and comfort me – he would speak truth and confirm a deep desire of my heart towards motherhood – he would whisper in my ear “I know it’s scary and I know you’re afraid. It’s okay. It’s okay to feel these things. I am here for you no matter what- anything you need. Just tell me.” Which of course, only made me cry more for not deserving such goodness in my state of panic.

Now, 16 weeks-ish in – I am stepping further away from the hormonal depression and more conscientiously into the light of excitement in prepping for our little babe. I know motherhood will bring a whole new set of questions and all the things I can’t plan for – but maybe that’s exactly what God is teaching me in this season. Trust Him. This is what He has called me into in this season. Do I know He is a good God?! Can I see that He knows this is the best thing for Ben and I right now? Just because it is terrifying doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Just because it feels foreign and scary, doesn’t mean that we made the wrong choice or that I am incapable of being a mother. I am learning these baby steps of trust deeper and deeper into His Calling. He is showing me how to step into what He has for me and to express gratitude to the Giver of Life.