Always in Waiting

What is our human tendency to always feel like we are in a waiting zone for the next thing?!

Maybe I should speak for myself here. Presence is a continual discipline I try to live into – even sometimes to the point of achievement. I can’t seem to help myself from living plan to plan – next to next. I over-plan to my demise. I want to be sure that I am organizing my time with intentionality – with the people I love and the activities I enjoy, serving the city in which I live and meeting my neighbors who live in it. I have a fear my life will speed by to the abandonment of these intentions so that my influence in the world has fizzled to none.

I’m almost halfway through pregnancy right now, which given my barely-there bump feels like it could be a lie. In pregnancy, you naturally live week-by-week – tracking the fetal development of the baby and dreaming about when he arrives. At the same time, these last 5 precious months are the last of my life to have Ben to myself (which I continually remind him with my ongoing complaint of never ever being able to sleep-in again in my entire life…). I want to know that I am living these months to the fullest – doing everything now that I won’t be able to do when the baby arrives. While at the same time, I’m not quite sure what these things actually are?

It feels like a waiting zone – an in-between – a here-but-not-yet type of life, metaphorical of the walk of a Christian. How do I know that we are doing everything we can now that we can’t do later?! We go to date nights and movie nights and back-to-back MX weekends… Is there something else we are missing? Will it be possible to bring a baby in tow or will we just be the No-People from June forward?

It seems like this year is divided in half – with the first half the life we live now, the life we know and love and can predict. Then in July, we enter the second half – the foreign and unclear and unstoppable changes type of life. It seems that everything will be different when that line is drawn – but the differences are the ones I can’t completely account for now. In my planned out world, this feels scary. But it also feels exciting. It feels like a new challenge I get to discover – one that I get to overcome and might even possibly enjoy.

Reflections and Realizations

Watching so many of my friends step into wifehood shortly after graduating college in 2008, I stood on the sidelines and marveled at their naturally given marriage skills. They seemed to have innate abilities to coupon-search, meal-plan, and house-clean that I simply did not possess. They knew how to book adult vacations at resorts with rental cars and go on couples getaways. Meanwhile, I was living at home, substitute teaching at the high school I attended, and having daily identity crises in a spiral of depression answering to the question: “What do I do with my life?!” I felt worlds away from my friends who so effortlessly slipped into the newlywed life. I daydreamed about traveling the world and learning languages and hiking across Spain and perhaps writing a book… I had no idea what it meant to commit life to one other human forever. I lacked the confidence that I could ever be what I considered “wife-material.” How did they seem to possess all these inherent skills that I did not?!

10 years later, it has been with pregnancy that I sense this familiar feeling beginning to surface. Most of my friends – the ones who got married first – now have 2 or more children. I have watched as they transition into the world of motherhood –  Mom’s Groups and book clubs and playdates- they know every sleep training method in the book, every “must-have baby gear item,” and the best bottle to mimic the actual breast. They recite stages of development and know the exact consistency of food to give a child at each age. They seem to possess knowledge and qualities of being a mother that I don’t. I look to them and think – will I ever be as informed or skilled as these Moms who carry snacks at all times, diapers on demand, and back-up bottles just in case?! – These Moms who manual pump while away at work balancing job and baby and husband and life – the ones who have both their children in a routine that allows them a full night’s sleep (or at least a nap)?!

When I got married, I realized that the qualities I thought I lacked, I actually had rooted deep within me. For most of my 20’s, I compared myself to other wives, thinking I would never be Good Enough or Skilled Enough or simply… Enough for anyone. Now, almost a year into marriage, I see that the deepest desires of my heart were fulfilled in marriage – so much so that it naturally pours out into life with Benjamin. It’s not that on February 18th I suddenly knew how to do everything wife-related (or at least the “wife role” that I create in my head) – but it’s more realizing a calling I didn’t previously understand existed. It’s the feeling in the morning and at night of “I was made for this” – I was truly made to be Ben’s wife. Serving and loving and knowing him comes more naturally than I expected; being his wife is not an utterly foreign concept requiring years of study; it is a lifelong dream that I stepped into because it is the heart of who I am.

I want to remember this with motherhood. I can examine and learn and observe and try right now – I can be afraid of the unknowns and have all the questions. Sure, I have no idea what to do when my baby cries and cries – is he hungry or tired or uncomfortable or…? OF COURSE I can’t know these things right now, which is why they feel so scary. But I trust that when the time comes, motherhood will feel right. It will be innate. I will learn baby’s cues and I will learn how to help him self-soothe and I will learn how to breastfeed and all the things I can’t know quite yet. It is the next calling for my life – the next most natural role to fulfill as Mom. And just like marriage, it will be an unforeseen gift that reflects who I am at my core and desires that have not yet been fulfilled. It is only in becoming a mother that I will come to understand this side of myself. Not yet, but soon.

Life in Rhythm

"The ability to recognize desire and longing is the beginning of the spiritual journey because it opens up the possibility of choosing to order our lives more intentionally around what it is that our heart most wants."

- Ruth Haley Barton

I am reminded lately of the importance of rhythms of life - ordering your day around that which is filling - mind, body, and soul - instead of that which is draining. Our hearts most deeply desire love and intimacy with God. How do we foster this desire on a daily basis? What do I do to create fundamental levels of change and growth - that which leads to transformation?

It is easier sometimes to put life on auto-pilot and go where the day takes you... to let circumstances or people control the minutes of my day, which add up to the moments of my life. Intentionality means creating a focal point by which to live. It means that you are the sum of the decisions you make - and at the end of the day, you assume responsibility for how great or terrible your life turns out. I want to live with the big picture in mind; realizing that day-by-day I have opportunities to turn towards or away from God.

It might not always feel like that in the mundane clockwork of my job, or the routine of mornings and afternoons. It doesn't always feel like I am cultivating a heart of love for God in cleaning dishes or folding laundry or washing floors or loving enemies or cold calling students. This doesn't always feel life-giving or refreshing or fun. But, there is a way to live in worship through all these things. It takes intentionality to remember that, in the words of Buechner, "His message is not written out in starlight, which in the long run would make no difference; rather it is written out for each of us in the humdrum, helter-skelter events of each day..." 

It is here in these daily rhythms that He offers us glimpses of who He is and the life He has for us. In our human selves, it is easy to overlook and pass by. It is easier still to see each day as the sum of our accomplishments or obligations. But this is not the life I choose. I desire to create mystery and intrigue in the mundane, to wonder about God and who He is, to enter into His presence creatively seeking Him and only Him - not the gold star or check-off for doing my spiritual task of the day. It is bringing him my heart that He is delighted. As Song of Solomon proclaims: "You have ravished my heart with one glance of your eyes." He loves us that much - He loves us with a love that sees us for who we are - not in our shortcomings or lack - but in the fullness to which He has created us to be.

For me, I purposely try to order my day around rhythms of being alone and being with people. In my times of quiet, I often run or do yoga as worship; I journal or go for a walk or listen to a podcast or our Bible in a Year plan. I pray and ask God to put something on my heart that is from Him. In being with people, I think about the things going on in their life so that I can be specific and ask good questions; it is taking adventures and seeking beauty alongside Benjamin, and it is serving our community whether hosting a brunch or dinner, stepping in to help a friend, or inviting others into our home in any way we can.

Transformation comes in consistent step to these rhythms - not in a day or two here or there scattered throughout the year. It comes in the daily choice to fight what culture says will earn me status and the lies I listen to that say I'm not good enough. It is a discipline to choose what is right and good for my soul, which is dissonant to the loud and hurried life I am so tempted to conform to.

It is here, in the mundane-ness of my day that these thoughts arise as I make room for them to breathe. It is here in a seemingly unpurposeful moment that words surface and come into strands of sentences. For me, if I continue to listen to the urging of my Spirit bringing me to write, I will find rest and peace and understanding. 

I live for these times when the sentence that resonates is: "I want my life to have more moments like this." Today, this is one of them. The love I have for Benjamin in celebrating his birthday today, the fullness of a weekend spent with best friends, and the anticipation of our little one to come in June - the mystery and unknown of it all. It is an exciting time and I am so grateful God chose me to live this life.

The Practice of Gratitude

In my daily gratitude practice I have noticed how many times I compartmentalize my gratitude.

I remember the moments and people and circumstances I am grateful for, then later find myself complaining or in a cycle of negative thoughts. Isn't the goal of the discipline of gratitude supposed to seep into my regular routine and mindset? Otherwise - what's the point...

Today, I am most grateful for my job at PLNU.

I am grateful on so many levels: it provides me with a flexible lifestyle where I can show-up late or leave early if I have to; meet friends for lunch, or run errands mid-day. I am grateful that it is quiet and peaceful - that I can listen to music or a podcast or go for a walk when I want. I love that my wardrobe is not limited to "things that can get paint on them and things that can't" as well as "things that allow me to crawl on the floor and sit cross-legged" and that I can be as professional or non-professional as I want. I love that I work for a University that aligns well with my heart and mission, and that I get to speak with a diverse student population who are mostly second language learners. I am grateful that it is has provided me the opportunity to adjunct teach university students - something I look forward to maintaining into the future. I love the women I work with - they are encouraging and supportive and have become a second family to me in so many ways.

God opened a door for me to be here and He knew the exact department and people He wanted me to work with. I remember the first few months, resisting this job that didn't afford me summers off or holidays like I used to get while teaching. But I would never trade what I do now for those two months of freedom. This job has allowed me to create a rhythm to my day that feels most truly me, and it is the perfect job to be in now that baby boy is coming along. I hope I get to return to it... I really do. I know God will make it clear, He will open doors, and He will always be faithful to provide the next step.

The Good to Come

I am learning to let go of what was and step into was is.

Because it was Good in the past does not demand it to always be the same

in order for it to continue to be Good.

When it is different, it can still be Good.

Or sometimes better.

I know our lives are about to change,

but I also know that perhaps what we are stepping into will be better than

all the freedom in the world.

Because it will be a challenge.

And challenges bring refinement.

And newness.

And when things are hard,

character is refined. Even when we don’t want it to be.

And if there’s one thing I am committed to,

it’s transformation.

Only in the difficulties do we see who we are,

it is the times of growth that I am most thankful for in life,

even when I do everything I can to fight it.

This is preparation to stop fighting the changes,

And see them as a gift towards something greater.

10/18/2017

Feeling a little off for the week with massive cravings for burritos, salt & vinegar chips, and mac ‘n cheese, I drove home at my lunch break and took a pregnancy test… just to be sure I wasn’t pregnant. Immediately, two delicate pink lines appeared, the fragile indicator of the most life-altering circumstance: positive pregnancy known within seconds. I sunk with my back to the wall onto the floor with wide eyes, suddenly realizing that the rest of our forever was about to change. I couldn’t believe it actually worked…! In my naivete, I believed it rarely happened the first time, and that it would take years to get pregnant. I wrapped up the test to give to Ben that evening, returned to work and could barely focus the rest of the day. My mind twisted and circled with questions - could it really be true that there was a life growing inside of me?!

As the day progressed, overwhelming waves of fear swept over me. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the changes that were about to ensue – and my thoughts took me down a dark road where suddenly I was living with a teenage child who hated me because I am a terrible mother. Because… hello - I don’t know how to be a Mom. And what if I never quite figure it out?!

That night, I taught my last course for the term and speeded home to an empty house. I frantically called Ben, trying to figure out where he was and begged him to come home to me. When he opened up the test, he was nothing but smiles, while I was nothing but tears. The fear I had bottled within was released in a long night of sobs. I don’t think I have ever been more terrified in my entire life. A switch turned inside of me to let loose every [rational or irrational] fear ranging from “Will we never get to travel again?!” “Are we ready for this?” “I don’t even know how to bring a baby to a grocery store!” And then the guilt for feeling such fear choked out the real emotions – after all, I know couples who try years to have children – shouldn’t I feel more joy and happiness and excitement? Does this mean I’ll dislike the baby? Why do I feel so different from everyone else who finds out they’re pregnant? Tears upon tears and the never-ending thought of: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!

My Benjamin though – the sweetest man in the world – with his patience and understanding and ongoing grace – I’m not sure how he sat with me and held me and listened to me and brought compassion to my experience of the situation. When I asked him if he felt ready for this, he replied “I know far less competent people who are fathers, so I’m pretty sure I can figure it out.” ;) Ben with his sensitivity and strength and purely logical mind. His steadiness that evens out my transitional breakdowns and his kind eyes that tell me I’m not crazy [even when I clearly am.] What would I ever do without him?! His support and love for me is something unlike anything else I have ever experienced.

The following week, I couldn’t stop crying. I woke up in the middle of the night multiple times with crippling fear and unstoppable tears. Ben would hold my hand and comfort me – he would speak truth and confirm a deep desire of my heart towards motherhood – he would whisper in my ear “I know it’s scary and I know you’re afraid. It’s okay. It’s okay to feel these things. I am here for you no matter what- anything you need. Just tell me.” Which of course, only made me cry more for not deserving such goodness in my state of panic.

Now, 16 weeks-ish in – I am stepping further away from the hormonal depression and more conscientiously into the light of excitement in prepping for our little babe. I know motherhood will bring a whole new set of questions and all the things I can’t plan for – but maybe that’s exactly what God is teaching me in this season. Trust Him. This is what He has called me into in this season. Do I know He is a good God?! Can I see that He knows this is the best thing for Ben and I right now? Just because it is terrifying doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Just because it feels foreign and scary, doesn’t mean that we made the wrong choice or that I am incapable of being a mother. I am learning these baby steps of trust deeper and deeper into His Calling. He is showing me how to step into what He has for me and to express gratitude to the Giver of Life. 

2018 Resolutions

Overall:
- Spend time in the Word daily (do whatever it takes! If it means using my lunch or before bed or in-between time...)
- Pray for co-workers and build those relationships
- Meet neighbors and strangers
- Embrace the process and journey by not expecting myself to have it all figured out or be perfect
- Spend time in stillness/meditation/quiet - take a personal retreat
- Host regular Girl's Nights and carve time to connect deeply with women
- Drink water (this has been on my list every.single.year)
- Creative Workouts (I get in a routine and do the same thing all the time... Ugh!)

Relational:
- Love Ben the way he needs to be loved (and learn deeper ways to do that)
- Grow spiritually together - join a small group and read through the Bible in a year
- Communicate and be a Team

Choosing A Word

It has been a tradition the past few years to choose a word that highlights a character trait I hope to embody for the year and one at the end of the year in reflection. Going into 2017, I chose the word Generosity. It was my desire for this year to reflect a generous spirit in giving of time & money. I learned generosity this year in what it means to be a wife to Ben and serve him; and especially what it looks like for Ben and I to be generous as a couple – giving of our home, space, and resources to others. We still have a lot to learn in this regard (Ben teaches me more about generosity every day!) – but I know this is definitely an area of growth in 2017 with learning to tithe to our church regularly, serve our community, and give to ministries that we feel passionate about supporting.

Reflecting back on the year, my word to describe the year is Joy. From getting married to embracing honeymoon bliss to date nights and weekends away and establishing our home together… being hired as a professor for the first time and finishing my thesis and– most of all – finding out we are pregnant and due in June! Telling our family and friends has been the biggest joy of all!

Going into 2018, I know this year will be a year of Change. It will be an adjustment for us to be a family of three, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t slightly terrified of the sleepless nights, spit-up, diapers, breastfeeding, and endless crying. Mom Life is something I have never done with my own child before! While the logical part of me knows that it is instinctual to keep a baby alive; part of me wants to have it all figured out and perfected before the baby is born (impossible, I know…).

This year will bring other changes such as family moving, another little cousin baby birth, possibly scouting out a new home… but in all these things God is constant. I remember that change is part of the journey of forming identity. In all things, God has equipped me for the road ahead. I know that I will have moments of freak-out-and-breakdown in the transition (thankfully, Ben has already sat by my side through a few of these…) – but I don’t have to be flawless, gracious, and perfect. I am learning to accept each feeling and experience as who I am, instead of altering it with the “should’s and could’s.” Fear is normal, and the only way for courage to be fully lived. Too often I choose my fear instead of my faith.

We are finally part of a church we love, have developed deep and meaningful friendships, and are moving forward into “the family years.” It has already been quite a whirlwind these past two years from moving to CA, dating Ben, engagement, marriage… and now 2018 brings the next season! We have 6 months left of Ben & Rebecca Knisely before we are Ben & Rebecca & Baby Boy Knisely… the best is yet to come! Here we go...!