In the Doubt

Upon first arriving to San Diego, new sights and sounds birthed a sense of adventure, which brought the refreshment of Change I so deeply desired. I entered into a community that embraced me with open arms, included me in their Family text group, welcomed me on weekend trips, and even threw me a much undeserved birthday party two nights in a row. But then life began to pick up speed; I entered a disastrous classroom just days before the first day of school and returned home late each night to a place that still felt so foreign and required more energy than I had to give in order to make it Home. The challenge of Transition set in and conquered every bit of initial excitement that led me to this place to begin with. Living into the difficulty bred doubt, and the doubt absolutely overtook me. I lived in fear that what I gave up in Chicago was too great; that I could never re-live my life there, and it was suddenly taken from me forever. Unpacking notes and pictures of my past life spiraled me into an unescapable breakdown where thoughts about picking up and ditching everything became serious considerations.

The sky outside my window. Unreal, right?!

Balboa I love you.

As the intensity of so much change all at once continued to weigh down on my soul, I felt disconnected from the underlying root of these emotions. It was initially so clear that this was the next step... Doesn't that mean I would step into a state of complete bliss? Because it was Challenging, I automatically assumed it was wrong. Challenge = Wrong, right?! If it's truly best, it feels easy and natural and perfect and glorious. Nope.

Thankful for how weddings bring together Chicago reunions.
A quick weekend in WI and back again. 

I have lived here almost two months and I'm now taking a breath above the current. The current did not, in fact, swallow me under! (We are actually more resilient than we give ourselves credit for...). Two months later, I love my studio home and I - surprisingly - love my job! I love it so much that the thought occurred to me to even stay another year... a thought I never could have perceived as a possibility just eight weeks ago.

Sibsteins in Tahoe

Tahoe Family Din - Ramen.

The truth is, transition takes time. And patience. I often don't want to give it the time it requires to settle in. I am so quick to judge whether something is Good or Horrible, instead of taking steps back, gaining eternal perspective, and moving forward one day at a time. This process has shown me to trust my own knowledge of myself and ability to make decisions... and to trust that God makes all things beautiful in His time.

Jessica's birthday beach camping!

Thankful for friends at sunset.

I am slowly leaning into the nuances of San Diego that make it feel so different, but in the best of ways. When I drive to work in the morning, I drive through canyons with mountains in the distance. At night, I take slow breaths watching the sun set below the horizon. Walks in Balboa Park are freeing for my soul, and quiet mornings with coffee and my journal in my studio home have suddenly become routine. There is a sense of Family here among friends (also my family is part of my friends. I love my bro!) and I recently joined a church plant that challenges me to declare God is who He says He is. Because the weather is the same each and every day, there is a timelessness that exists here, instead of the daily pressure to Make the Most of Any Good Weather Before the Impending Gloom of Winter in Chicago. Life here is laid back and lifestyle-driven, instead of scheduled and career-driven. Beach camping on a school night is something I could get used to, Taco Tuesdays are my absolute favorite, and beach volleyball and surfing on the weekends are just so much fun. Life here is simply easier than life in a city of snow, and that I would not change. People are irreplaceable - of course - but people are always there, waiting with open arms for the best reunions ever in Chicago.

Suz brings me to the best of beaches.
Cardiff-by-the-Sea

Just because it started out difficult does not mean it will always be difficult. I often enlarge my feelings in the moment and project them onto the Rest of My Life. But in reality, life has a particular ebb and flow to it, in and out of seasons, good and bad. This is where life is lived! It is the test of who we are: character-building, refining, and the story of our journey. My human nature so desperately cries for Comfort, but I know deep down it needs Challenge. A move across the country will, in time, no doubt bring both.

Finally Home.

On the Go

The past few weeks have been filled to the brim with traveling on weekends & non-stop teaching during the week. The strangest feeling throughout all the travels is returning to San Diego as Home. It still feels so foreign to me, as I slowly settle into my Studio by the Sea. No matter where I go, I carry with me a deep sense - and perhaps longing - for Home. I wonder if I will ever feel that sense of Belonging to a place like I did in Chicago. I am learning that the only way to cultivate a Home in this sense is through Time. It takes digging in and growing roots and commitment. It takes the phase of downright Figuring it All Out, and celebrations in the moments I finally don't have to plug in my address to GoogleMaps every time I return to my apt. I want to rush through this process to arrive to the state of natural routine, but this process cannot be rushed. It begs me to live into it, here and now. To not fight the challenge, but to bring a sense of awareness to the difficulty and pause for a moment to be thankful.

And I am so thankful. For an Outdoor School where I'm outside 15 times a day, for a studio that brings peace and rest, for friends here that I carry with me from Chicago, for adventures that have already been taken and the ones that are still in waiting. The only way to Joy is through gratitude - a discipline I am constantly learning to practice.

From There to Here

The past few weeks have been spirals of emotions so grand it has felt impossible to name in words... grieving the goodbye of life in Chicago, embracing a new adventure in a new city, celebrating 29, unpacking an apt, unpacking a classroom, hustling to start school, traveling to Denver, returning to SD, first full week of teaching school...

The high's and low's of Transition Time have been encountered not-so-gracefully. Tears and self-doubt have been my go-to, and grieving the life I leave behind has been all-consuming.

Last moments at Heritage... My second Chicago Home.

BFF4L

Scraps of Lily Life found whilst moving

The lesson learned for Miss. Independent over here is that nothing is meant to be done alone. Within the first week of living in SD, all the Change conquered my soul and seemed to beat me up beyond repair. It felt like every decision was in some way Wrong and my whole being unraveled in a pool of unstoppable tears.

Early Morning send-off before I hit the road

Albert the Elephant as my companion before meeting up with Kate/Jordan
to drive Chicago --> Denver

My sweet momma bore the burden for me with all my tear-filled phone calls, and graciously rushed to my side with a last-minute plane ticket to be my second set of hands. She worked sun-up to sun-down to pin up bulletin boards, arrange letters, cut-out laminated birthday banners and tooth charts, make Ikea runs and tire around the clock to make my Home a Home. She lit up my life with a spark that brought energy to my loneliness and rejuvenation to my spirit. Her can-do attitude allowed me to see Possibility in the bleakness and she rescued a heart that felt buried in an anxious sea of fear.

All the Arches at Zion National Park

Bryce Canyon

The Bellagio
Vegas, baby!

My New Home - Studio by the Sea - is a place of refuge, rest, peace, and safety. When I awake each day, the streams of light flow through the windows to remind me this is a place of Light. As I teach my first graders about building our house on the rock - our God, our firm foundation - I am reminded that my studio home must be founded on the Word of God in order to grow.

Birthday Brunch with Mikey!
Candle in my biscuit :) 

Sibsteins of the Road trip

Mumford with these guys - the best.

I set my heart on these verses and declare them over my new space:

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deut. 31:6)

"But the Lord has become my stronghold, and my God the rock of my refuge." (Psalm 94:22)

"Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place - the Most High, who is my refuge - no evil shall be allowed to befall you, no plague come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." (Psalm 91:9-12)

"For God is not a God of confusion but of peace." (1 Cor 14:33)

He is here with me and it is my desire to seek Him in the loneliness, fear, and worry about my future. He is here. He bids me Come and Rest.

Studio by the Sea

Some of the Reasons

Ever since winter, the thought has floated through my head to move out to California... I am in a season of transition from finishing graduate school to looking for a job, and it seemed as though if I was looking for a job, I should look out in San Diego where the sun shines brightly through those dark winter months, the ocean becomes a way of life, and each day feels relaxed & easy. After living in our sweet Lily home for five years, my soul longed for change in the most drastic sense. California called my name, so I packed up and followed. It was only three weeks ago that I was offered a teaching position at Tri-City Christian outside of San Diego, and in these past weeks it has felt like I am watching myself live a different life. When I initially drove out here, it felt like an adventure towards vacation, but now the inevitable return to reality sets in - and fear & doubt take over. This all happened so fast - was it the right choice? Did I really listen to God and move forward according to His plan for my life? Is this where He has me this year (or should I quit...)...?

I know that God works in & through ALL things - so in that sense, right and wrong drift to the background and glorifying Him in everything becomes the drive for all I do. Even through my commute from San Diego to Vista, even through the early mornings and the children calling my name every second, even through the continual lesson plans and the figuring out of the simplest things (grocery shopping... mailing... finding the highway...) God is here with me. He is present and He has something for me. He doesn't lead then leave, He doesn't affirm then abandon - He walks with us in all we do.

Today, I am praying for peace to overcome the anxiety. I am praying for His hope to be set in my heart so that I long for more of Him. I pray that when Here doesn't feel like home, that HE would be my Home.

[photos coming soon!]

In All the Change

My life is happening at a pace right now that I can barely keep up with - it feels like I'm swimming underwater at sea level and air is unattainable. Selling everything, packing & moving, roadtripping across the country, turning 29, signing a lease, moving into my own studio apt... Even one of these isolated events would bring a shift in thought and feeling - but all these combined brings waves of chaos. Even when change feels right, it brings its own set of challenge causing fear & doubt to rise to the surface. Was this the right decision? Is this where God wants to grow me? Is it wrong when it feels hard? The questions plague me with indecision that freezes me in even the smallest ways. (For example: Where is the nearest Post Office?! brought on a total and complete crying meltdown...)

As I write, I can hardly articulate the myriad of thoughts provoked by this new change. I guess this is why I pursue change to begin with... it brings me out of the routine of comfort to a place where emotions are charged and wondering/guessing/asking becomes the norm. I gravitate towards this and look forward to a moment where I can be still, breathe, and ask God to connect my heart to His. For today, I am stealing these last two minutes before my first day of work... I do not know what this year will bring or where it will lead... My fearful side tells me it will be useless, but my heart tells me that it will be full.

In all these things, I trust that God is Sovereign, leads my every step, and works all things together for HIS good.

Over and over and over again it is true.

Decisions & Change

While I would like to consider myself the type of person who awaits the next adventure with a readiness to launch into change and accept it at face value, I am not that person. Yes - I am drawn to all the curiosities and moments to learn about life - but am equally planned out, approaching decisions bathed in thought and prayer. Especially decisions that involve a sense of closure to a chapter that has felt so rich with community, family, and adventure. I am in the process of striving so hard to keep it alive, holding on to every last bit just to avoid the inevitable goodbye. 

I cling so that I don't have to let go.

As I headed to the airport today, morning light flooded our Lily Kitchen.
This room houses all the life chats of dreams and questions about our future.
It is the spot of date night recaps and sleepy coffee pours and chalkboard resolutions.
It houses so much; and so much more than can ever be seen.

Even though my soul has restlessly desired change for the past year, when it comes to seizing it by the horns and jumping in, I respond in hesitancy. To be honest, the jump terrifies me - it paralyzes my ability to assume any direction. The jump holds all the fears and questions; it wrestles with my human fear of failure with a resounding discord of leaving that which is comfortable. I want change because I believe it is only through change that we are transformed. If I allow my fear to hold me in the Home of the shire, I will never experience the challenge that awaits for my own refinement. It is only in going through the unknown with brutal trust and divine faith that I can be my most authentic self and pursue the wholehearted life I so desire.

Thankful for time in the sky to reflect and write all the wonderings.

I don't want indecision to have a controlling freeze on my life. So in an attempt to posit motion into my life and force myself to choose a direction, I cleaned out my closets this week and packed up. I believe in faith He will make it so clear where these bags will end up. For now, the destination is unknown - but I do believe He is at work... taking me somewhere on a journey that remains to be seen. 

Just because it is invisible doesn't mean it doesn't exist. 

This weekend with Mikey and Jill is carrying me through... I love these guys!!!

As I fly out to San Diego today on an exploratory could-I-live-here? trip, I remember the wise words of my good friend Todd. Often we assume change to be permanent - that we are making a decision for the rest of our life that will affect everything we do and everyone we come in contact with. In truth, change can be temporary. It can be For Now. It can be a transition that leads us to whatever is next. I desire to make the change that answers the cries of my heart Today - I cannot predict the Forever and it is overwhelming to think of one single decision in life that way. In seeking God, there is no possible way to make a wrong choice; He works through everything and molds us to be more like Him in the process. He holds the details; the anxieties I work within myself are ones He has already figured out. Ruthless trust is my prayer; a heart to know Him more intimately is my desire. If it happens to be an uncomfortable process, I do not want to run from it out of fear. I choose faith and choose to run with Him wherever He takes me today.

Standing amidst a community of friends watching 360 degrees of fireworks in the city
is all my summer dreams come true.

Today, San Diego for interviews. By the end of this week, more defined clarity in next steps. He has it and sees it all... I can only step through the doors He opens.

Things to be Learned

Morning hours had dawned, fresh with the aroma of coffee and familiar scent of library books idling on the wooden back of my vintage Schwinn. Perusing the library with intentional convention, I migrated between opportunities for window sitting and happened upon the most ideal spot. The light, the green, the street... perfection. As I moved towards it, I hesitantly turned away when I realized it was neighbors to a puzzle, one that invited people [read: strangers], soliciting an offer for others to be in quest of colored pieces fitting into jagged corners... the mixing and matching of lines and space is a world from which I remain far-removed. Unlike my family, I am ambivalent towards puzzles, lacking the patience or perhaps the process it takes to sit before an unseen picture; tactile motion descending into larger and useless decor.

I moved closer and words became legible: "Help complete the puzzle. Add a piece or two and watch it come together."

A lesson for the puzzlers is a lesson for the thesis. Bit by bit, step by step, little by little. It seems so large, so impossible - but yet again, the signage called me back - "add a piece or two and watch it come together..." a piece here and a piece there... the larger picture comes into focus.

Perhaps this is exactly where I am supposed to sit.

Gratitude: for lessons in unexpected places, for moments in which God speaks, for his grace that provides the will to move forward in courage.

Everything is Okay in Summer

Warm air floats over beams of light extending from buildings to the lake, reflecting on the harbor and glistening on pedals of bikes resting right beside us.

I am convinced there is nothing more magical than Chicago in the summer.

Okay, so summer was a little slow goin... as always.
But we always take advantage of temps above 50!

With summer, all wrongs are reconciled, all forgiveness is given for torturing our souls during those cold endless months; my heart returns to this city and forgets the hovering gloom of five months.

Summer is for blueberry pie.

... and picnics.

Saturdays are booked with lakefront volleyball closely resembling college spring break, Fridays are for projecting movies in our yard as we grill with friends, Thursdays we picnic in Wicker Park as we watch Robin Williams throwbacks, and Mondays we relax to the tunes of Music Monday in Mill Park. Home feels here and I believe Chicago Summer is the true shadow of heaven on earth.

When Daniel is in town, the people gather around.
Summer is not the same here without him!

Even if these warm temps are short-lived, I am so thankful for how they fill us up just enough to start the cycle of seasons all over again.

Surfacing Fears

"The fear of letting people down is one of the primary reasons people procrastinate."

 / D. Miller / Scary Close

It's not that I don't have the ability or words or experience or knowledge within me to finish a thesis... It's just that sometimes I am so paralyzed in others' conception of me that it's as though I am stuck in cement; my head is screaming at my feet to march forward, but my feet are too heavy to propel in any singular motion. Fear of failure is a crippling notion; to fail or not be the best is an insecurity lurking behind every decision. The whispers of others are a mantra in my head - "What a waste of a degree..." "She's ruining her life...." "She is unfounded with no direction...." These thoughts tap out the other more quieter truth "I'm just doing my best..." so I scramble just to prove that I am trying.

I am learning to tell the truth. Letting the threads of vulnerability string together the story of Who I Am Becoming in the face of wanting to be perceived as excellent and worth it. Miller writes: "Acting may get us the applause we want, but taking a risk on being ourselves is the only path toward true intimacy." Grieving the loss of a promised job that I had hopes of growing into is not commensurate with my identity or abilities. Lamenting is letting true emotion break through, acknowledging the existence of something beautiful and letting it go. 

What I love about children is the most transparent expression of themselves at all times.
They wear their emotions on the exterior, and it teaches me to do the same.

As I write on how we are spiritually formed through the theology of place and embodying presence, I  find myself yearning for that deep sense of wholeness in Christ. I am so deadened to living in acute awareness of Christ WITH me in all my striving and the inner narrative writing lies about not being good enough. A favorite author, Frederick Buechner writes: "What deadens us most to God’s presence within us, I think, is the inner dialogue that we are continuously engaged in with ourselves, the endless chatter of human thought. I suspect that there is nothing more crucial to true spiritual comfort . . . than being able from time to time to stop that chatter . . . ” To stop the chatter is the discipline of standing before God in gratitude for grace. I am not great, but He within me is. 

While running along the lakefront today, I stopped to stretch and noticed a scar behind my knee I forgot was there. In that moment, I was reminded that God still knew it was there even when I couldn't see it. He is acquainted with all the varying parts of me, even when I feel like I can't trust Him with the things I want most. To hold my desires in one hand and the goodness of God in the other sometimes feels unbalanced - it feels like one will surely be the victor. I return to His faithfulness - "For all I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I do not see..." (Ralph Waldo Emerson) - He is always faithful. I want to run the risk of failure and rejection and possibly feeling incredibly small in moments for a life of true connection.

Doesn't this Kinfolk dinner look like absolute magic???
A place for others to come and be themselves is an environment I am constantly reworking.
Summer dreams start here.

The Feeling of Trapped

Sometimes it seems like life isn't happening in Real Time, but instead somewhere Other, like a snowglobe shaken up as I watch the glimmer of white fall upon smiling faces living the promises of good things to come. As the sole audience member entertained by the floating sparkle, I know it is a world I will gaze into, but never join. Some days, this feels like life.

In the past six months, conversations that once launched into topics of falling in love and ring sizes and honeymoon marriage have pivoted to diapers and sleep schedules and breastfeeding. I've stood by five of my closest friends as they navigate the road of New Mom; it is a joy to see a piece of each friend surface that was previously unseen, part of their heart hidden and now given an outlet to be set free. Yes, it is a delight to watch this transformation unfold and I am grateful to stand in as Auntie for these children as I anticipate growing up with them over the years. But a sadness also incurs as I gaze into a life I have dreamt of, but perhaps was never alerted to that time being Now. It's happening all around me, but it feels I realized it too late.

Wedding'ing with my dearest Ash.

As May turned to June, I watched my dear grad friends cross a stage to receive their diploma. The relationships of my graduate school journey are composed of unlikely friendships birthed from class discussions of combined intellect + intimacy; conversation forged way to knowing one another's stories in the context of partnering with colleagues in dreams, hopes, and future. Teaching at Mosaic and paralyzed in the cold prohibited me from hitting the deadlines, which seemed to pass me by and hold me back from joining my friends on the stage.

No longer teaching with Mosaic and moving forward with an unfinished thesis and unclear direction feels completely paralyzing. Too often I assume the role of an onlooker into others' stories, instead of the participant in my own. This apartment of Home for five years has suddenly transitioned into a weight that pulls me to this city... This city of Forever Winters I now long to escape. I dream of a life that most days doesn't seem For me, as the onlooker of others.

My prayer is for deeper trust in this time knowing God is cultivating something I cannot see. I have no idea where this journey will take me - right now it feels like job application after job application - but the promise of His character is Good, even when it's hard.