And Other Notes from my Phone

 I don't have enough time to write - but writing strikes me in moments. These brief moments I have, quickly jotting a phone note. These notes capture my days. My heart. My motherhood. These, in fact, are what I have right now. This is what writing looks like in this season - so here it is in its rawest form.

Jan 12, 2021:

On a rainy Jan 12th, five years ago, a swipe right conversation about the Midwest and love for brunch turned into a cocktail across the table at Neighborhood with this tall, handsome man. First I noticed his hands then his eyes then his height; but it wouldn’t be until later that I would come to recognize one of the things I have grown to appreciate in him the most. He is the most consistent person I have ever met; he has a sensitive heart; he only wants the best for every person in his life. I could never in a million years have predicted how this day, five years ago, would change my life. He defied all expectations, accepted me exactly for who I am, and has given me a safe place within his love ever since. Thank you God for January 12th (and the best friend who swiped for me, Jess Pinckney).

January 13, 2021:

We wake up to the sound of Jack’s cheerful voice “knock knock!” on the door, eyes blinking - what time is it? 6:30. Cannot get up yet. Urging him to go play or go back to sleep, but instead his warm body curls up next to us trading phrases “I love you mommy” “I love you Daddy.” Ford starts to moan, needing to eat. The morning hustle unfolds: Coffeepot, sourdough, breakfast of waffles, more and more stoopup and two buttas. So tired, even coffee doesn’t have the power to open my eyelids. 

They say “these are the days” and I’m trying to figure out which days they are referring to. The days when Jack is screaming so loud his little lip quivers and he starts throwing things at me and nothing can calm him down? The days when he breaks me down so that I finally put on a show for him even though I had already told him twenty times I wouldn’t?! When I’m listening to Baby Shark or Polar Efress so much that it keeps me up at night?

But oh my heart... (never finished).

February 25, 2021:

It’s 6:34am, Ford woke up at 5:30 and Jack is playing in his room singing songs about garbage trucks and acting out police cars. Ford and I snuggled for about 30mins before I fed him. I am trying to soak in this time with my babies. We signed Jack up for preschool yesterday and it’s hard to believe my little buddy will be in school in the fall. I can’t believe how fast time goes - what a thief. And yet, there are moments when I cannot take another two year-old tantrum, “no!” or blippi song. It is this enormous blessing - children - and this enormous challenge. It is both and I am living in the Both And. Both feelings are welcome and allowed attention; given their space and grace. I love these little boys with all my heart and soon I won’t remember these days - Ford rolling around on the ground, eating leftover food scraps, and laughing. Jack...