On Engagement

Between trips to Home Depot and trips to the Beach, this wedding will be accomplished [slowly… surely.] When I get nervous that I’m not “doing enough” for the wedding, I realize that it’s probably a result of giving everyone else the tasks to do for me ;) Ben is graciously building us our Pinterest-inspired wedding arbor, Suzy had the vision and the artistic detailing behind our invites, and my mom is going to be folding programs and stuffing favors when she arrives to town. That leaves me with… the meetings. Last week was makeup, this week is hair followed by wedding coordinator, and next week is catering and finalizing numbers and last-minute everythings.

The best part is: when I think about the past 6 months, I don’t think about wedding planning. I think about the preparation that goes into merging two lives into one… mentally, emotionally, spiritually. We have worked through our personal preferences, learning to lay down one for the other; we have discussed communication styles and managing conflict; practiced listening and greater depths of selflessness. In so many ways, it is hard to remember what life was like Before Benjamin – he has fulfilled a piece of my dreams and desires in a way I didn’t know existed.

Stepping into being Ben’s wife is what I was created to do… I want to serve him and build a life with him. It is interesting how desires change over time –10 years ago I would’ve labeled marriage as settling – sacrificing dreams of travel and life abroad and buying whatever I want - basically every bit of selfishness that resides within me. But that’s exactly it. While I still have those selfish tendencies, it is my heart to be refined not only as a wife, but as a follower of Christ. And the adventure becomes so much richer that way – so much more beautiful when it is more about him and Him than it is about me. It is more full than I ever thought it could be because happiness comes with the people you spend life with, not with experiential highs or things to store in my closet or knowledge gained. 

Engagement has been an irreplaceable learning experience and when I impatiently want to wish it away, I realize that it is exactly in this anticipation that growth happens. I have fallen more in love with Ben than I ever knew possible – and this journey is just the beginning. That’s the most exciting part.

Room to Evolve

When I think back to our early days of dating, there is a motive that rises within me to make today a mirror of a year ago. I want our lives now to look like it was then – the world of sunsets and walks and nightly happy hours – of surprises and discoveries in one another and those “me too!” moments that previously felt so rare. But that’s the thing: what we have now is so much deeper, richer, and more intimate than what we ever had before. From dating to engagement to marriage… life can’t possibly look the same as it once was - and the thing is: it’s so much better that way. I have the tendency to want to hold on and recreate; to manage and maintain stability. But life is so much more fun when you allow it to grow and transform, to evolve and invite change. To say Yes to Benjamin knowing that who he is in a year will be an evolved version of who he is now. That’s what makes life an adventure; when it brings challenge and we are faced with the opportunity to rise to the occasion. That’s where transformation happens; and if there’s one thing I want said of my walk with Christ it is that I am committed to transforming.

I hope that in a year, I will look back to this season of engagement knowing how different life looks in marriage. There is no doubt I will have nostalgia over these days – coming home from work to gifts on the stoop, excitement brewing over events with my best friends, phone calls and emails with travel arrangements to SD… cooking dinner with Benjamin and planning for our excursions in Hawaii… these days are ones to cherish. And the thought always loom that it doesn’t get better than this… But it does. And it will. Because that’s who God is; He knows us better than we know ourselves and He is a good Father who gives gifts to delight His children.

Remembrances of the Camino

Lately, I have recalled the journey of the ancient Camino route – the one through which much of my life the past 3 ½ years has been formed. The life I walk today is only because of the path I walked in Spain. With February 18^th approaching closer and closer, I have not made time to give my ever-pending thesis the energy and thought I desire to devote. It feels like a trapped door through which I am planning my escape; a hidden secret brewing inside and waiting to rise to the surface free to take shape. Once one walks the Camino, it becomes so inherently a part of his or her perspective on life, it seems the themes consistently work and rework life itself - through decisions and circumstances and reactions and relationships.

As I prepare to be a wife, I can’t help but look back on that 26-year-old me with a 10lb backpack, the world in front of my eyes and the beauty absolutely astounding and crushing all at once. Life felt simple, it felt light, and it felt free. Possibilities loomed, opportunities presented, and risks were taken. When I think about the wedding, I carry this with me: this idea that it is not about the details or the “things”; it is not about the fluff and stuff; it is about the journey of life with Benjamin. It is about being with him, committing my life to him, and making a promise for forever.

As Ben and I reviewed the wedding liturgy over Facetime with my brother Michael, my dear youngest brother who will officiate our covenant, he reminded us that the tradition of marriage and the ceremony through which it happens is one that all may recognize and experience as sacred. A lifelong promise of commitment to another is one of the truest reflections of the Gospel; Jesus’s reconciliation and grace and commitment to pursue and love and never leave us. As we signed our lives to one another at the courthouse last Saturday, it almost felt too easy to be married. You mean anyone can do this?! No personality tests or compatibility questions or…. therapy involved?! Just a piece of paper with two names that becomes a legal document stating you’re married. If it’s that easy – why don’t we just leave the ceremonial pieces of marriage behind, skip the liturgy, and be married because the piece of paper says we are married?! Because the process and words and vows spoken at a wedding are a deeply engrained piece of cultures across the world; the recognition and participation of your most beloved people surrounding you – the I Do’s and the Yes’s and the pronouncement of being One – there is something in that process that feels right. And that – that moment – is the one I look towards. I have never made a lifetime promise before – and I will admit the idea of a Forever Yes used to be scary & vulnerable feeling – but somehow when I met Benjamin it didn’t feel so big or terrible sounding anymore. In fact - quite the opposite: the desire of my heart fulfilled and the deepest sense of joy awaiting a future with Ben for all that lies ahead.

Moving towards marriage, the Camino remains a part of me, ever nudging me to step-by-step walk the route to Santiago. It isn’t in the arrival that matters – it’s in the day-by-day time and choices and people - the new journey begins when we get there. The wedding itself is exciting because it is the mark of our beginning, the day we commemorate our promises alongside family and friends, and the party that we get to throw together with all our best people. That is what I look towards right now… and that is really the only thing that matters.

Our Non-Wedding Planning

Most days I have to pinch myself as a reminder that I am getting married in three weeks. Just three short weeks away... and yet we spend most nights making Hello Fresh dinners and watching Sherlock (which we successfully have gotten through all seasons...). 

I hope I am not missing more to be done? 

Or perhaps this is all there really is to do...?

Hmmm.

Getting Married in a Garden

As a young girl, I often imagined unlocking a secret garden, must like the one I read about in the novel and the necklace with the tiny golden key I received for my 7th birthday. In our backyard, I would step through our little garden, picking flowers and pretending it was a secret space that only I knew about - a space where anything beyond the ordinary could happen. 

Our family grew-up with bike rides and field trips and photos through the Chicago Botanic Garden. In high school, I worked beside a florist who adorned the aisles and tables of weddings in the garden and I would occasionally get lost in my own wedding dreams upon the tree-lined promenade. Upon moving out to San Diego and discovering a botanic garden here - a mile from the ocean and central to my favorite little North County town of Encinitas - I couldn't help but "put out some feelers" when Ben and I started talking marriage. 

Perhaps for these reasons combined - and the fact that Ben and I fell in love over sunsets, camping, and the beach - our first visit to the garden revealed it was the spot for us. The intimate space of the Walled Garden feels like it's reserved only for soft-spoken vows and the commitment of one's life to another. Surrounded by nature and 150 of our closest people, declaring our lives merging into one, only seems right in the environment of the garden. And to throw a party under the stars feels like it will be the most magical of evenings. Elegant, classy, romantic - these are the words I think of when I think about our wedding.

Just a few weekends away and we will finally be married! When I wonder if I should be "doing more" for the wedding these days, I remember that simplicity is key. Of course I want our wedding to be beautiful, but I also want it to be stripped down of the typical wedding frills so that only the raw + genuine love of Ben and I will be seen to the people we love. And that is what I am looking forward to most: the beginning of our journey ushered in alongside our favorite people. To celebrate what God has brought together and to mark the start of a daily commitment to this man He has given me... that's what it's all about. February 18th: we are coming for you!

It Doesn't Have to be No

There seems to be a theme of 2017 trending to “quit everything” and “say no” and “walk away” – I think it is the mantra of the minimalist or a backlash from the generation of Yes. I’m reading Shauna Niequist’s new book Present Over Perfect – and despite the wordy chapters that spin in melodramatic circles, the only word I’m truly hearing is No. Is it because we are a generation of extremes – all the yes’s to all the no’s – or is it because we have dug ourselves in so far, made ourselves so busy, that to choose life for our souls leaves no other option but to say No…?

There are few things in life that have just happened upon me. It is usually either a string of small decisions that point me in a particular direction or the ways I fill increments of time throughout my day that add up to being my life. Where our culture misses the mark right now is in Responsibility. I want to own my actions, admit my mistakes, ask forgiveness for my shortcomings, and steer the direction of my life. I know it is God who ultimately provides and blesses me – and through all these things I want my heart to overflow with thankfulness and for my life to point others to Him.

I don’t think 2017 needs to be one of these ends of the spectrum – there is a midpoint between the Yes and the No. 

Looking at the life of Jesus, there is a place that requires sacrifice and selflessness – doing things I don’t necessarily want to do – stretching myself and investing in those places in life that “don’t bring me joy.” There is also a place for boundaries, for those soul-giving moments I just know my heart needs that occur through the No. Examining my day-to-day is probably the best place to start. They say it takes 30 days to build a habit, so why not start now?! I have begun reading my Kindle instead of reaching for my phone, praying in the AM before I turn to a screen, and putting pen to paper at night instead of scrolling the feeds. If I merely discipline myself to stop filling my margins of rest with mindless brain decay, I remember how to be present, meditative, and reflective on this journey. I want to grow into a more intentional human and continue to seek after the core of who I truly desire to be.

This year, like all years, is about establishing those rhythms of life that bring me more in sync with the Creator. Pausing by the ocean, watching a sunset, taking a bike ride through the park. It is initially what drew me to Ben – a partner who admires the same beauty that I do and seeks these times of day to worship the One who reveals Himself around us. I believe we draw this out of one another in the best of ways – and it is what makes our team so strong. In just shy of 40 days from the wedding, this weekend we made brunch, went for a bike ride, hung in community, ate pizza, ran some errands, and laid on the couch in our robes until 11am. We wrote thank-you’s and watched episodes of Sherlock and grilled burgers for dinner. At the end of the weekend, I realized I did absolutely nothing for the wedding. But in that space, we actually did everything for the wedding: Life with Benjamin. Genuine and gritty and silly life. The wedding is simply the day we get to proclaim our vows and demonstrate our new life together –in a way we have already begun and this is where we start. Seeking rhythms together, lifting eachother up, and chasing our dreams as a unit instead of individuals. I know it isn’t easy – we have well discovered that (thank you pre-marital counseling ;)) – but I’ll choose the messy and scary parts of committing my life to another before living a day without my Benjamin. 

Invites are Out!

And more beautiful than I ever thought possible - thanks to Suzy!!!!!

Velvet ribbon tied, invites re-sized, return labels and stamps on, wax seal to stay classy ;)

February 18th... we're comin for you!

10 Things for 2017

Words of the Year: Generosity & Gratitude

1. Take more time to pause. Use margins of time to read or write, instead of text or Instagram. I always feel more fulfilled when I do!

2. Read at least a page a day. Do you ever feel like the day gets away from you and you haven’t read anything meaningful or inspiring? I hate that feeling. I always have time for a page – I just have to be mindful about doing it.

3. Focus on Ben. (As if this hasn’t been my focus the past year ;)) Haha. It is so easy to build selfish habits – if I make a point of always thinking of him first, it will ultimately be refining to me and uplifting to him.

4. Keep pursuing adventures. I consider adventure to be a daily choice… making things fun, celebrating the little, and finding reasons to be joyful. Although most of my day is lived between cubicle walls, this is a choice I can make even in the mundane. I’ve already found ways to do this before work, in the office, and after… and it makes such a difference in my perspective on life!

5. Serve. I know I have not been the best at this in 2016… but I want to find ways to do this in 2017, no matter what it looks like. There is a food depository down the street I could get involved in, weekend mission trips to Mexico, and even daily ways I can serve my colleagues. I desire to be more intentional around serving this year.

6. Rebrand. I’ve had this blog what – 8 years?! I would like to rebrand it a bit… Though I hesitate to “market” my cozy little corner of the internet. It is my dream to write a book someday… maybe it starts here?

7. Thesis. Thesis. Thesis. Starting March 7^th, I plan to go to the library once a week and knock this thing out. It’s going to take some mad focus over here (especially as a newlywed!) – but I know it needs to be finished and I have to block out the time to do that. My hope is to have it done by June!

8. Next career steps. I’m not sure where my job at PLNU will take me – I love this university and believe in the mission and vision. I hope that there are opportunities to move up, teach college courses, and I want to be faithful in my position now to open doors in the future.

9. Europe. Since Ben and I met, we have dreamt of strolling the European streets, stopping for croissants, sipping on tiny coffees, and taking postcard-like pictures. This is a dream we would love to accomplish this year - maybe fall?!

10. Enjoy the current season. Too often there is pressure to move on to the Next… after dating comes engagement, then a wedding, then… babies?! I want to enjoy where I’m at now – this uniquely beautiful stage of life. 30 years old, getting married in 45 days, and an entire lifetime with my best friend ahead of me. It is so sweet, I am so thankful, and God is greater than I ever knew He was... He always seems to be teaching me something and the journey continues!