The Feeling of Trapped

Sometimes it seems like life isn't happening in Real Time, but instead somewhere Other, like a snowglobe shaken up as I watch the glimmer of white fall upon smiling faces living the promises of good things to come. As the sole audience member entertained by the floating sparkle, I know it is a world I will gaze into, but never join. Some days, this feels like life.

In the past six months, conversations that once launched into topics of falling in love and ring sizes and honeymoon marriage have pivoted to diapers and sleep schedules and breastfeeding. I've stood by five of my closest friends as they navigate the road of New Mom; it is a joy to see a piece of each friend surface that was previously unseen, part of their heart hidden and now given an outlet to be set free. Yes, it is a delight to watch this transformation unfold and I am grateful to stand in as Auntie for these children as I anticipate growing up with them over the years. But a sadness also incurs as I gaze into a life I have dreamt of, but perhaps was never alerted to that time being Now. It's happening all around me, but it feels I realized it too late.

Wedding'ing with my dearest Ash.

As May turned to June, I watched my dear grad friends cross a stage to receive their diploma. The relationships of my graduate school journey are composed of unlikely friendships birthed from class discussions of combined intellect + intimacy; conversation forged way to knowing one another's stories in the context of partnering with colleagues in dreams, hopes, and future. Teaching at Mosaic and paralyzed in the cold prohibited me from hitting the deadlines, which seemed to pass me by and hold me back from joining my friends on the stage.

No longer teaching with Mosaic and moving forward with an unfinished thesis and unclear direction feels completely paralyzing. Too often I assume the role of an onlooker into others' stories, instead of the participant in my own. This apartment of Home for five years has suddenly transitioned into a weight that pulls me to this city... This city of Forever Winters I now long to escape. I dream of a life that most days doesn't seem For me, as the onlooker of others.

My prayer is for deeper trust in this time knowing God is cultivating something I cannot see. I have no idea where this journey will take me - right now it feels like job application after job application - but the promise of His character is Good, even when it's hard.