All My Fountains

morning light in the lily kitchen

With extra margins of time and space to think without pressing distractions... my mind naturally drifts to the next place, and I find it an increasingly difficult discipline to be HERE. It seems my default thought-mode to dwell on what's missing, how I need to change, and what I should being doing differently to live a happier and more abundant life. I sit and write and drift and wonder and try to figure it all out... which, as I look back, seems to be a trend in my patterns of thought... and I wrestle around with variations of solutions.

But my circles of thoughts have entered into concrete reality this summer.

In early June, when summer first gave birth to new freedom and delight, I found myself in a situation that shook me up and turned me over, forcing me to consider the present. In the longest millisecond of my life, I was suddenly on the edge of the highway after colliding with a semi-truck; a 4 car pile-up that shocked my sense of entitlement to even another breath. In a world I like to control, a single moment exposed me completely destructible without a control panel of invincibility. This life does not guarantee us anything at all - the convenience of a car even something I'm prone to "deserve" - and especially a life lived by faith and trust in the One who GIVES life.

biking & coffee. they go well together.

Living without Sally the Rav this summer has rooted my feet, slowed me down, and channeled new thanksgiving in my life. It has struck down my pride in this solo & independent plight of mine, forcing me to ask for help or a favor or work around someone else's timeframe, slowly giving new direction to a heart that thinks of Me First.

Sunday afternoons with Daniel at Eva's

And while slowing down... I have been cultivating awareness of the present habits created in culture. We are constantly striving towards something else... the next year... savings and futures and plans and marriages and weekend plans and school plans and after-work plans... Our culture trains us in Next, and we slowly adopt this paradigm as we live our days and look at weeks ahead. We see who we wish we were, our "someday" selves... a journey with a destination that feels within reach "if only I had...." We celebrate the BIG moments, the grand adventures, and the most courageous undertakings... we make plans for extravagant vacations and peaceful seasides... knowing that we will find God in those places. And we do. Because the BIG is true and beautiful. 

But it's also true that we get to see God TODAY. 

And that is the gift we get to unwrap each morning with our very first breath. 

Thanksgiving.

mornings on the porch.

I want to take my gaze away from the gaps and spaces, and turn to the fullness of what is real. Instead of seeing life itself as something I deserve - each breath or step or body function - I want to give thanks for it. 

Noticing the fullness of what I have, not turning the focus to what isn't. Desires and dreams planted in my heart are lovely, imaginations of Someday, and inclinations towards a new job or new location important, but dismissing the life I live and trading it for what I wish I had will never be Full. Or satisfied. Or content. For life is about WHO we seek, not what we seek. And when we seek Him FIRST, all else in His Kingdom follows (Matt 6:33).

these lovelies... i am so thankful for them. and life in chicago.

I've had anxiety lately as I think about summer ending in a few weeks. My heart beats fast and my fists start to clench because I want to hold summer tightly forever - this season when I feel the most alive, the most Me. But what does this reveal? I've put my trust in Summer, relying on Time alone to set me free. Is it possible to see His face amidst the beat of school routines and the rush to 3:10pm with twenty-four 6-year olds each day?! 

When I consider living a life of thanks, I know God's Presence is accessible in every single moment... and that HE is the only source of life. Life is not found in the long and lingering moments on the beach, slow & steady bike rides, staying up late and sleeping in and coffee on the porch. God is the one and only Source. "For with YOU is the fountain of life; in YOUR light we see light" (Psalm 36:9), life is only & forever found in Him. When we live in the heart of that truth, each moment carries His presence, a glimpse of His character... and when we find HIM, we find LIFE.