I want to remember these days - these days walking around (and around) the block with Jack, playing in the yard, building forts in the garage. Ben working from home, happy hour rose on the patio, and frequently doing a "knock knock" on his door to deliver coffee.

There have been stages in this process. I fought it in the beginning - I didn't want to accept a reality I knew I eventually would have to face. Prior to quarantine, I could count on one hand the amount of days we stayed at home in the totality of Jack's life. I love home, but I am not a homebody (or at least not with a toddler!). I thrive on being out with him, exploring the world, hanging with friends, and experiencing new places through his eyes. Home feels monotonous and less exciting.

But last week, I had a perspective change. It's not what we do or the adventures that we create that make our identity - it's what I choose to see in each moment and how I remain present with it. I have become so in tune with Jack - the language he is constructing, the connections happening in his brain, the sense he is drawing from life. Because the backdrop of our life seems mostly the same, my focus has shifted to who he is growing into, and I love who he is becoming. He is filled with a contagious joy, a sensitive spirit, and a desire to receive affirmation. Lately, he loves to dance and see trucks of any sort, and make "cack-ee" (coffee) in the morning with us. These are such sweet moments to soak in - the innocence of our little Jack, the wonder and anticipation of "baby Foop" on the way, and this new identity we are finding as a family.

"The crucible of our formation is in the monotony of our daily routines." 

(Liturgy of the Ordinary, 34)

If I cannot live my daily routines with intention and care, then I will miss it. I will miss what the majority of life consists of - these small acts of worship throughout the day, these daily habits that feel meaningless, yet become the liturgy of our life.

So, here we are... still at home. Still unable to go anywhere. Still unsure how long this will last. But still living fully (or at least trying)... and still in awe of how much Jack has changed in the last few weeks and how independent he is becoming. Soon to be a Big Bro - but in a way, always my baby.

"Daily life, dishes in the sink, children that ask the same questions and want the same stories again and again and again, the doldrums of the afternoon - these things are filled with repitions. And much of the Christian life is returning over and over to the same work and same habits of worship, We must content with the same spiritual struggles again and again. The work of repentance and faith is daily and repetitive. Again and again, we repent and believe."

(Liturgy of the Ordinary, 35)

Such a Time As This

It is in these moments that the tension of life is lived and the collective experience of being human is seen. We are surrounded by both beauty and challenge; grief and joy. The dance of this tension is being lived and we are tasked with the figuring out how to live into this reality on a global level. The soul of humanity comes out in a shared union of sadness in the unknown and creativity in the hardship.

Being quarantined at home with a 20 month old is an experience unique to this time. In the past, if Jack and I had spent a day fully at home it was enough to drive me wild. It has been 17 days now that we have been self-isolating; 17 days in which I have ridden the wave of high's and low's, breakdowns and triumphs.

One thing I am learning: our life is already so full without the things we usually fill our lives with... (except the people, of course. We need them!). In the process of being stripped of freedoms I have previously taken for granted, I am noticing a joy for life that nothing can steal away. An acknowledgment in this tough time that God is still Sovereign, He Reigns, and He is Good. Though social gatherings feels like an immense privilege and gathering at beaches to celebrate with friends seems like a distant dream, I am tuning into this present moment choosing to be thankful.

I am hopeful, I am sorrowful, I am finding the beautiful, I am seeing the ugly. There's no way around it - this.is.hard.

And yet, I enter into times of the day when I feel exhausted from the enormous burden of "trying." Trying to make each day purposeful, striving to see the beauty in the mundane, and forcing myself to enjoy these simple moments is tiring. In the past, the discipline to enjoy the simple routines of life felt more spread out, it seemed manageable. It felt like a reality I could handle on a sporadic basis. But the day-to-day mystery in the future Unknown and the sense that there are an infinite number of days left in which I am battling toddler manipulations and forcing Jack to stay in our driveway, is upending. Let's be honest, it could make even the most normal human slightly crazy. It is here I find myself, it is here I wonder how to not just "make it through the day" but seek out what the day has to offer in its ways of wonderful.

Practically speaking, it means lots of driving, stroller-walking (around the block), and slowing down. It means we stop at every flower, branch, twig, bug, fence, truck, trash can, tree, bird... Jack inspects it and tries to pronounce it and then asks for more snacks. It means being present and attentive to how he is learning, instead of staring at the soul-draining scrolls of the phone. It means I learn about Jack at a whole new level because I choose to study how he works and understand what makes him come alive. It means lots of oat milk lattes, carbs, and ice-cream. Because it's the little delights of life that bring meaning to our days, right?!

On a deeper level, it means gratitude. It means a perspective shift. A thankful heart. We are so lucky to have our space - our home, our garage, our backyard, our driveway - thank you Jesus for this space that we really love to be in together. I know that my reality is my reality, so I can't compare to others - but I also know it could be so much worse. Choosing this day to have a thankful heart.

I'm not sure what I will say when I look back on this time. I wonder about the long-term changes that will press upon our society - in education, in the workforce, in the daily functions of our existence. I wonder how God will use something so terrible for good, as He always does. I wonder what our future will bring after a unified experience of grief, and how we will transform and change because of it. Will we move on from this and fall back into the regularity of our own habits? Or will these new ways of living actually change the way we live?

The one thing I know is that the day we can come together with our friends and family with shared hugs and high-fives without thinking about sanitizing our hands every 10 minutes or wearing germ-containing masks will be a day to rejoice. And one I pray we forever hold close to our hearts as a true privilege and joy that brings real purpose to our lives.

As I read in Henri Nouwen, Life of the Beloved, yesterday: "As I grow older, I discover more and more that the greatest gift I have to offer is my own joy of living, my own inner peace, my own silence and solitude, my own sense of well-being. When I ask myself, "Who helps me most?" I must answer, "The one who is willing to share his or her life with me."

In all, this is my prayer.

I was recently chatting with a friend regarding the nature of my personal writing these days. Though it mostly circles back to the same themes, it has evolved over time in that it often seems like I have a lot less material to process right now. My 30's are disparate from my 20's in the way of identity and life path and searching for so many answers to questions. Those endless questions kept my writing inspired and progressing; as my heart searched for recognizing its own desires, my writing propelled forward into seeking meaning and answers. While I certainly do not have all answers to my big questions in life, I find that moving out of the independence and freedom I once felt has led me into a cycle of living that doesn't have as many questions, or perhaps doesn't need to seek out the answers it once needed.

There are so many things I want to accomplish, goals I want to reach, and people I want to impact. Yet, sometimes I feel like those things aren't worth the time to process or reflect or figure out because I know it's not my call right now. The reality is that my call is to my children, my husband, our growing family. This was revealed to me at a deeper level yesterday when I received an email from my Department chair at PLNU (where I currently teach adjunct) asking me to teach new courses this summer. It's the opportunity I have waited for for two years, only to find out that the courses start literally on my due date. It is the opportunity I want to say Yes to, though I know I have to say Yes to something else - this little life entering our home, giving my attention and love to him and Jack as I figure out how to do life as a Mom of Two.

In this way, it can feel like motherhood is an endless track of sacrifices. It is a constant Giving Up, Giving Out, and Adaptation to a new lifestyle, human, and way of being in the world. Being pregnant magnifies this reality in the physical sense. As a mother, I am in a position where I am required to give all of myself to not only the toddler demanding everything in front of me, but also growing another child. As he forms, I don't have a choice whether or not to change physically - it just happens. When he comes, the physical sacrifices only increase. For women, this is the sacrifice that you often don't think of as such, because it's just what you do. There's no heart question at stake here, my love for my children is so deep that I will give everything to them without reserve, without question, without even seeing it as a choice.

I recently listened to an OnBeing podcast interview with Walter Bruggeman in which he disects the word "mercy." He describes how the Hebrew for mercy is actually the word "womb," as an illustration that mercy is similar to motherlike love for a child. The visual here is a mother who lays down her life, gives every part of herself, and essentially sacrifices all of who she is for her child. Mercy is when we can do that for our neighborhood and the people in our life. He says: "Giving yourself away from the sake of the other instead of drawing others to yourself for your own well-being. It is a generous connectedness to others." Seeing mercy in this sense allowed me to understand the magnitude of this call on our life.

I know that this is a season. There are dreams on the shelf for now; there are hopes that have yet to be fulfilled. There are ways God hasn't used me in this world to fulfill His purposes quite yet. But at the same time, He is here, He is present, He has called me to "Now. Here. This." There is purpose and there is meaning even when it feels like it requires so much of myself. There is formation happening and there are dreams building even when it feels like I am saying No to so many of them right now. He is here, He lives within me, and He has given me what I need for today.

*Please note that this post may contain errors because I didn't have time to go back and review it.

I am trying my best to savor these days with Jack because I know they are fleeting. I want to soak in every little giggle and playtime and curiosity with life that Jack so naturally brings.

Yesterday he was biking down the driveway in his diaper with a bowl full of peas. Sometimes this is my life.

So often I wonder what it will be like to add in another little guy. I am so excited to see their relationship develop - though I know it will be tough for Jack at first. I can already tell he is a boy of routines and not the most flexible when it comes to change. It will be a big change for all of us, but I know we will all adapt in time! We still have 3.5 months just us, my little buddy and me, and I want to live all the adventures together we possibly can.

I read this in short essays by Mary Oliver the other day and it struck me:

"Attention is the beginning of devotion."

This has become my mantra over the past few weeks. I am challenged to discipline the focal point of my attention; wherein lies my attention my devotion will follow. My desire is for my devotion to be for God and my husband, my son, my relationships, and investing in others. It is so easy to be lazy and allow my attention to slip. I want my son to remember my full presence beside him. And I don't want to miss out on these years they say "are so short" even when they feel so long.

On Sunday, Jack and I traded church for a morning date together since Ben was gone camping. We got a coffee and treats in Little Italy then wandered down to the bayfront. The clouds gave a chill to the air and Jack was so sweet running on the boardwalk saying "ships" that I wanted the moment to last forever. Sometimes he is the hardest little guy to please, but slowly I am learning. He delights in the seemingly unnoticeable and I want to be right there delighting with him and in him. I never want to see my child as an interruption to my day; Jack is my day. He has the gentlest heart, kindest little smile (like his Dad), and loves when he makes me proud (which is pretty much doing anything).

I hope I always remember these moments with Jack. They are so dear to me.

I went for a walk by the sea
And I remembered
The vastness of who You are
And I deleted my grocery list
To type this

Year in Review: Photos

[Blogger didn't put these in order and I don't have time right now to organize them - so here's a selection of 2019 memories in review out of order!]

In May we went to Austin to celebrate Lo's bachelorette!

We lived up summer together!

September: trip to Santa Rosa wine country with my two faves

So many good morning memories together

Dec: Jack's first trip to Baja, MX

Feb: Napa trip to celebrate our 2nd anniversary

Japan with my love! 

Mornings at Waterfront Park - when all Jack could do was sit there ;)

Sunday afternoon Zoo Times!

Finding out in Sept we are pregnant with Baby Boy #2!

This little cutie!

Happy Hour at Torrey Pines

Sibsteins Ski Trip in Brek - look at baby Jack in the carrier! 

Jack's first time to Baja in December

Lauren and Daniel's wedding in June

Getting our Christmas Tree together

Santa Rosa wine country trip end of August

Daniel and Lauren's wedding! So happy for them!

Turning 33 - Brunch with my girls

Beach Days with my boys

Lauren and Daniel got engaged in Feb!

We love the Penns!

Park Days with baby Jack

Zoo Dates with my little guy

Summer Music in the Park - Jack loves watermelon!

Our squishy face

He loves the swing

A fall trip to Julian for apple orchards and pumpkins and hot cider

Finding all the Rylee & Cru finds

Ben had Summer Fridays and got off early from work - so we would do picnics at the beach 

Little Italy hangs

Mornings with our little guy

Hosting a shower for Lauren alongside Jill

Laguna Beach weekend in July 

So many visits with cousin Rosie - this was in June

The most handsome guys in my life!

JAPAN!

The year started and he was just a baby!

Gimme all the Ramen in Japan

Time together

Bumbo!

So hard to believe the year began when he was this small!

Jillian and Mikey here with Rosie for DLo's engagement in Feb

Girls trip to Austin for Lo's bachelorette party 

He started to crawl and reach for things

Girls Day in Breck - Sisters! 

Teeth!

Yard Renovation

In May for Lo's shower

Always loving lovey

Love this sister of mine! 

Afternoon park days with my guy 

The beginnings of crawling

Starting to eat some solids earlier this year

Ben's Christmas party - almost 20 weeks pregnant 

Jack's first Easter

Jack met Santa at The Pendry and didn't hate it

Home for Christmas

He was really into sweet potato at first

Christmas in the City and Jack jet lagged in the stroller 

All smiles

Our first picture in his helmet

Discovering what we need to baby proof

Progressive Dinner 2019

Lots of quality time with Grandma Mickey while we traveled

Jack and his buds at Brit's daycare

The Fourth of July ended with Jack going to sleep and fireworks on the roof

Ben's fam comes to visit in July

Jack's first birthday!

Mom got us a Zoo Membership for Jack's bday - best gift ever!

We love Mr Frosty

Jack wants to be just like Daddy

One of Jack's first buddies - Shep!

Turning 33 date at Fort Oak

Family Din Hangs the best with this crew

Snacks at the beach

Our first time traveling alone

On the airplane together

I taught Jack how to do "cheers" with popsicles in Santa Rosa

He traveled a lot this year

Visiting Rosie in Denver over Labor Day weekend

Fourth of July at the beach!

Jack loves the car

Monkeys at the zoo

He could play in the car for hours

Owen and Juj - first friends!

Visited Jenny and Andrew in Waco in Sept (right before finding out I'm pregnant!) 

Enjoying the fall in Julian

Jack loves to do anything he sees us doing - especially sweeping

Kara and Jacob's wedding in Oct

Love my Suzy girl

Fam pics by Jackie Wonders in Oct

Music in Bluebird Park in Laguna

Climbing the stairs and open mouth kisses at the park

Wineries in Escondido

Getting that perfect tree

Jack loves "Dudu"

Everyone's here for Thanksgiving!

Girl's holiday craft night at Jess's - I made my first wreath

We love Mt Etna park - we are there almost every day

Cinnamon Roll Saturday and Sunday with the Martins - 3rd year tradition!

Love my wise and intentional bestie Jen