This morning started with Jack tears and ended with mine. Usually his moods don't effect me to the extent of joining him; but on this particular morning - a combination of jet lag, of pregnancy, of Ben leaving early, of Jack screaming and screaming and screaming - it got to me. I felt the exhaustion of being with him. And then spiraled into questions of - If I can barely handle him how can I handle two?! And then persisted to Google Parent-Day-Out programs and scrambled through an email to put Jack on a Wait List. And counted down how many years until he's in school or out of the house or I don't know - married?!
I didn't know what to do so I drove to the mall. I guess that's where I go to feel consoled (?!). Jack finally stopped crying, but I did not. When we arrived, I had to walk around for a bit because there was no way I was walking into Zara with a return with such embarrassingly puffy eyes.
Jack played and laughed by the fountain and I started laughing as well. I looked back on the hours of our morning as a seemingly distant memory. Although if someone asked me - How are you? I was surely to breakdown into a puddle before them.
There are moments like this as a mom. We don't have it all together all the time and can't be expected to. It is a hard season right now - learning how to navigate a new rhythm of my one year old refusing to nap and in turn being whiney and throwing tantrums when he doesn't get his way. Learning to find God throughout my day when all I can think about is wanting a nap. People say "These are the days!" and I don't fault them for it. But also - memory fails us (you). Yes, there are so many delightful moments with Jack when I wish nothing more but to be present with him in all his joy and curiosity with life. But there are also these kind of moments when the world feels like it's beating down on you causing ruin to everything you used to know and love in life which in turn seems to erase your identity itself.
God gave me a gift because for the first time in weeks Jack is napping - for over an hour. I have a second to pause. A moment to breathe. Perspective. Awe. Gratitude.
Yes we just returned from Japan. More on that to come.
I didn't know what to do so I drove to the mall. I guess that's where I go to feel consoled (?!). Jack finally stopped crying, but I did not. When we arrived, I had to walk around for a bit because there was no way I was walking into Zara with a return with such embarrassingly puffy eyes.
Jack played and laughed by the fountain and I started laughing as well. I looked back on the hours of our morning as a seemingly distant memory. Although if someone asked me - How are you? I was surely to breakdown into a puddle before them.
There are moments like this as a mom. We don't have it all together all the time and can't be expected to. It is a hard season right now - learning how to navigate a new rhythm of my one year old refusing to nap and in turn being whiney and throwing tantrums when he doesn't get his way. Learning to find God throughout my day when all I can think about is wanting a nap. People say "These are the days!" and I don't fault them for it. But also - memory fails us (you). Yes, there are so many delightful moments with Jack when I wish nothing more but to be present with him in all his joy and curiosity with life. But there are also these kind of moments when the world feels like it's beating down on you causing ruin to everything you used to know and love in life which in turn seems to erase your identity itself.
God gave me a gift because for the first time in weeks Jack is napping - for over an hour. I have a second to pause. A moment to breathe. Perspective. Awe. Gratitude.
Yes we just returned from Japan. More on that to come.
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