The Decisions

This past month has been a series of on-the-spot rapid-fire decisions. I am usually pretty good at this – I know what I want and I trust my instinct. However, halfway through the month, I felt my brain fogging up from multitasking all the decisions and suddenly I couldn’t make a single decision right or left. The thought process would go somewhat like: “I have always wanted this… but maybe I want that… what if I don’t really like this… what if I ultimately prefer that???”… followed by a frantic Pinterest search to confirm what I originally wanted anyways. The painter would be on the other line purchasing paint and I would be Instagram searching for the perfect white; the bathroom plumber would be installing the trim, as I am ordering a new color sink… all in between work and lunch breaks and after work and late night hours. It has been slightly more than chaos… as we predicted it would be.

Something to note about the Enneagram 3 is that we often lose sight of our heart’s desire when overwhelmed with voices telling us what we should do. We are pleasers who hate to disappoint; we are achievers who will never settle for less than best. In the quest for the Best and the commitment to adapting to every other persona and situation we find ourselves in (in order to feel safe and loved), we lose touch with ourselves. We forget our identity and our preferences. I have repeatedly wrestled with this process – I initially know what I want, but then others’ ideas cause me to doubt – but I ultimately end up exactly where I started.

Somewhere along the way, I learned to trust my inner voice and trust God telling me who I was. It is when I lose sight of Him that I get drowned in the sea of pleasing. It is when I let decisions about walls and floors dictate my day that I stray from the Truth of my identity. I am only found in Him; He is the Rock that helps me recognize who I am and where I am going. When I center my day on Him, wake up with a grateful heart and an eagerness for Him to speak, I am able to see it all so clearly.

On Saturday, we move. The quick decisions will be over. I will sit in the house and picture the space and daydream about the best piece for every corner. There will be time. Even after the baby comes, there will be time. A home is a process and a work in the making; it is one that is never fully complete because there is always The Next. 

As Ben has said, right now we have a House – but tomorrow we will make it a Home. Despite doorknobs and cabinet colors, Ben and I there together is all that really matters. Because Home is where we are together.