This Year

I used to think vulnerability meant openly sharing the depths of your heart with all people... to be vulnerable was to keep those deep & secret places out of hiding and in the light. But this year - from moving across the country to jumping back into the classroom to living in a studio to dating to falling in love - has been a life lesson of vulnerability that I have never experienced before. 

It's not simply sharing emotions or showing people your transparent self; vulnerability is in fact a choice you make to Risk. For me, vulnerability has meant taking the first step to act on a dream, make a decision, and seek a change. Championing this subject like no other, Brene Brown in Daring Greatly writes that vulnerability is "Wholeheartedness, a way of engaging with the world from a place of worthiness" (page 9 - highly recommend this book!) I love Donald Miller's imagery of vulnerability as standing on the edge of a dock jumping into the water - scary, fun, everything all at once. (He also says that vulnerability is loving another like this: "a phone call in the morning to pray about our day, a text-message to say I’m thinking of her, a handwritten note, a postcard when I’m out of town on business, remembering what drink she likes when we’re at a bar, asking follow-up questions about her friends, and not hiding behind humor when it’s time for a serious conversation.” -- which somehow manages to pull my heart every time I read it...)

Realizing my life needed a change while in Chicago was a scary admission to make - it meant that something wasn't completely right; for some reason my heart ached for beyond what was in front of me. While I entertained the idea of moving for a year, it was safer and much more comfortable to stay where I was in my familiar apartment with my known friends and my easy job. I didn't live out true vulnerability until the dream of California was put into action - fixing the Resume, applying for jobs, hopping in the car, and waving goodbye. The risk was the steps that made the dream attainable. 

I often think the same about love. I used to date by thinking through the idea of liking another person; maybe even entertaining them in my life for a bit. I claimed I wanted love, but there was no evidence of follow-through that moved me toward the other person. I wasn't willing to risk the very vulnerable feelings of love, so it didn't happen (that, and the others weren't Benjamin...) Taking steps towards real love - the kind that is not just an idea or dream or thought - has been the greatest and most beautiful challenge of my life. Putting myself in the position to truly love Benjamin has been as Donald Miller described, that feeling of taking a deep breath and jumping in and paddling in the cold water. From the beginning, Ben allowed such a safe space of honesty to exist between us in a way that I knew he was completely For Me, so that my heart didn't wonder or doubt. I could take the vulnerable action of jumping off the cliff and saying Yes because I was doing that hand-in-hand with another person. Choosing vulnerability over and over and over again is something I run from, yet so deeply want to do - it is continuing to love without abandon and choose him instead of myself.

Brene Brown writes that "Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences"... and I know this is true. The idea of vulnerability sounds great, but am I willing to live it out when it's scary? When it means quitting a job or calling that friend or saying No to other plans? That is the truest test of living a "wholehearted life" - and one that I am committed to exploring in & through the decisions, dreams, thoughts, and journey.