In the continual un-pack / re-pack of the bag, routine of walking, following (/finding?!) Phil, and scouting arrows heading westward in the glow of the morning, I often question what it is I am doing here... The constant flow of sweat, sleeps in rooms of snorers, and grueling hills of the Camino are not exactly "summer vacay" status. While the routine feels natural and the walk expected, my purpose has remained in balance.
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| so many masses to attend when #followingphil |
Yes, I am here to sustain vision, work audio, and take care of my crew. My knowledge of Spanish allowed Todd and Jess to get where they need to be, sufficient taxi and bus transit, equipment to the next locale, and even assisted Jess to get an official notary in Spain. But that is only a portion of my time... As I walk these tiring k's towards Santiago, I wonder if God has purpose for me beyond this job, a life lesson or goal or intention to follow here today?!
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| nightly interviews... happening best over chocolate and wine... |
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| Mine & Hers ;) |
My mind is flooded with past walking companions, remembering the conversations under specific trees and coffees at particular cafés. As I walk the meseta right now, I feel as though the ghosts of past Camino pilgrims haunt my mind, building comparisons and the judgmental undergird of what the real Camino truly is... (MY way, of course...)
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| singing nuns in Carrion! Same ones as last year |
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| when the sun rises, my favorite time on the path... |
As I walk, a new awareness floats to the surface. After returning to the US last year, perhaps I subconsciously elevated the Camino with phrases like "the Camino will provide," "the Camino always makes a way," "the Camino calls..." - appointing a self-proclaimed role of "Camino evangelist" of sorts. In walking the same path, I realize the Camino is just one avenue towards knowing God... It is not the only way, the best way, or the 'you have to' way, as I too often believe. While I still uphold the healing power that comes from this pilgrimage, I also see it for what it is... a road that carries one through churches, cathedrals, cafés, and community as one makes their way to Santiago. The familiarity of the route has allowed me to let go of what was and make room for what could be. To allow the same road to show me that the goal is never the Camino itself, rather the seeking of God Himself.
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| walkin in James' shoes... |
A certain element of clarity comes in a return... Like returning to your college campus the year following graduation (guilty...). I distinctly recall longing for Baylor after moving home to Chi, convinced that just being back in Waco would provide me the joy I felt while living there in college. In my post-grad naïveté, I packed up my '88 Cadillac and drove the long road back. What I found instead is that it was not the same Waco of my dreams- the happiness and life was not specific to Waco itself, rather to what I had created there- memories that cannot be relived. Any effort to do so would surely end in disappointment.
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| nights of sangria = necessary |
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| Team Time at sunset |
It is not the Camino itself that brings transformation, rather it is inviting God's presence to the Camino that allows the change. If I expect a magical, enlightening experience simply through the return, I surely will not have it. I have been walking this route expecting its very nature to change me, but it cannot. The Camino does not inherently hold that power simply through strapping on a pack and walking. The awareness and ability to find God in the process is ultimately what shaped me last year, and what I have to turn my attention to right now as I step. Relying on the Camino to do the work will not bring about change... I must seek God who is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
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| I am so lucky to walk this... |
People continue to ask me - how do I live like this at home? The goal is not to return to the Canino, it's to bring it back with you. To be changed in a way that makes Home a Camino itself.
Who knew that a return to the Camino would actually show me how to let go of the Camino...??!
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| same photo here, one year later... |
// Uploaded from Blogger Mobile™
Sister, I nearly cried reading this. When I received your text those weeks ago, I felt that known pang - how something so familiar, so territorial in a sense, was slipping away. I could sense that you felt a very special part of you was slipping away unexpectedly. In reading this, I see that God has gently guided your mindset and your heart to understand what He was showing you in this. It actually reminds me of a lyric from Matchbox Twenty's "3AM" - "She thinks that happiness is a map that sits on her doorway."
ReplyDeleteAnd while it is all figurative and happiness is so fleeting, I love your honest heart through this process. You are such a treasure to have as a friend, my friend. I'm so happy you're home and so happy you have found that release.
Thank you my dearest Bre. You have a way of using words to clarify the abstract that is simply beautiful. Thank you for your sweet post - but most importantly, for being with me in this journey. I am so thankful for you!!
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